


What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

by louloubaby92



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Childhood Sweethearts, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Harry Styles Calls Louis Tomlinson Pet Names, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reunions, Rock Star Harry Styles, University Student Louis Tomlinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:13:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 60,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25914178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louloubaby92/pseuds/louloubaby92
Summary: All Harry really remembers vividly of their last moments together was when he’d kissed Louis after dropping him off at home and Louis telling him he couldn’t go with him to Leeds because he had work to do.He wonders if Louis remembers all that when they inevitably meet since he’s going to go and return his phone to him.You see, Harry and Louis were childhood sweethearts who lost touch when Harry shot to fame and became part of the biggest rock band in the world. They never really broke up and seeing Louis again makes Harry want to dredge up the past but what happens when Harry realizes that his first flame never died? What happens when he finds himself falling for the boy he never really fell out of love with? What happens when Harry finds himself falling for those blue eyes allover again?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 18
Kudos: 97
Collections: Fine Line Fic Fest





	1. Beachwood Café

**Author's Note:**

> -Inspired by Harry's Styles single, ''Falling''
> 
> Note: heed the tags please. there's no detailed graphic in the fic and the explicit sexual content is pure smut between H and L. Also, there's a bit of dig at one of the 5sos boys but this is fiction, pure, pure fiction. i actually love the 5sos boys...anyways, i hope you give my fic a go and enjoy reading :D  
> 
> 
> This fic was written for the [Fine Line Fic Fest](https://finelineficfest.tumblr.com//). Make sure you check out all the other great fics in the collection which can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/FineLineFicFest//)!

_I'll See you again, oh_   
_This is not where it ends_   
_I will carry you with me, oh_   
_Till I see you again_

_-Kree Harrison, See you again_

Harry needs a soy latte, pronto.

He has to be in the studio soon but he’s got time. He's lucky that Alberto isn’t one of those bodyguards that think he’s a twenty-one year old brat in ripped jeans and greasy hair (not that his hair is greasy but tabloids like to take a dig at his hair whenever he’s not cooperative with their paparazzi shots). He's also lucky that Alberto doesn't think he’s a diva for wanting a soy latte and not just a normal latte.

Anyways, the café he enters has a weird name to it. For a café right in the middle of the city, the ‘’Beach-wood café’’ has a name to it that is a bit out of place. It looks empty from the glass windows so he insists he enters alone, something he rarely does nowadays. Alberto’s got the car parked outside, waiting for him. He’s got his shades on and his beanie on and his head is down when he stands by the counter so that his Alexander McQueen scarf is covering half his face. He orders one soy latte and a bullet coffee for Alberto. He sincerely hopes his dimpled smile doesn’t give him away when he turns around with his purchase. His phone pings with a text at the same time and as he takes it out to read Zayn’s text, he hears something clutter to the floor.

Instinctively, he looks up and sees a lad asleep on a pile of papers. There’s a laptop open in front of him, an empty mug, a pair of black-rimmed glasses and a mobile phone vibrating on the floor by his feet.

‘’Excuse me,’’ Harry approaches the lad, whose cheek is plastered to the table. He pockets his phone and makes sure the tray stays balanced on his palm when he bends down to pick up the phone.

It’s when he’s that close that he recognizes the lad's face.

‘’Louis?’’

Not getting a response, he places the phone back on the table along with the tray of drinks in his hand and nudges Louis’ side. Peering even closer, he’s sure it’s Louis, his ex-boyfriend from school. Man, they haven’t seen each other in years.

Louis still looks as beautiful as the day he met him, only now, he’s got a bit of scruff on his face. His face looks more gaunt, hair a bit of a nest and he’s in baggy clothes. They dated for months, right before Harry’s career as a pop star took off and he hasn’t heard from Louis since.

They never really broke up but Harry’s dated other people since school, some casual, some for sex, some because management said so…

And now Louis is here in front of him.

‘’Louis?’’ he nudges again. ‘’Lou, wake up.’’

The nickname slips easily, as if it hadn’t been years since he’s called him that, as if it’s still ingrained in his mind. He’s about to nudge Louis again when the cell phone on the table vibrates. Annoyed, he acts on impulse and picks it up.

‘’Lou! Thank goodness. Why the fuck aren’t you answering your phone? I told you to stay on the line with me, man!’’ the voice down the line says.

‘’Hi,’’ Harry greets. He's relieved that the other man confirms that the boy who is asleep in front of him is in fact Louis. Since he’s also calling him by his nick-name then he’s definitely someone close. ‘’Louis…’’

‘’Who is this?’’

‘’Listen, Louis seems to be asleep or something. His phone fell on the floor. I was just picking it up and I’ve nudged him and…’’

‘’Oh fuck! I’m on my way! Don’t try to rob him, you fucker or else my fist will be coming for you! You hear me?!’’

''Um...''

''Stay on the line! Don't you dare hang up!''

Harry doesn’t like the tone of the man but he can hear panic in his voice. He’s actually about to panic too because Louis isn’t waking up even though he’s been nudging him the whole time he’s been on the phone.

Harry stays on the line with the other person, as demanded of him. He ignores his phone ringing, pretty sure it’s Alberto. He worries about his body guard barging in at any moment but he’ll worry about that later, not when nudging Louis’ face shows him all sweaty and pale. Is he sick?

‘’Hey, you still there…?’’ He asks.

‘’Yeah, I’m paying the cab.’’

‘’You haven’t told me your name.’’

‘’It’s Liam. I can see you.’’

The line clicks just as the door to the cafe opens. A buff guy with a buzz cut, wearing a white shirt under an open flannel enters in a flurry of big worried eyes and long strides.

‘’Hi, I’ve tried to…’’ Harry is totally ignored when Liam approaches the table. He shakes Louis more vigorously than he did and not really as gently as Harry did.

‘’Lou? Lou, wake up!’’ Liam pleads, roughing up Louis’ hair and pulling at his cheeks. ‘’Fuck! He needs a hospital.’’

Harry watches as Liam starts packing up Louis’ books and papers, glasses and laptop. He doesn’t want to intrude but Louis is not a stranger to him and Liam said he came in a cab…

‘’I have a car.’’ Harry says, a bit worried about Liam’s hurried movements. ‘’It’s right outside. I can drop you off.’’

‘’Who the fuck are you?’’ Liam asks him, eyes worried but looking at him like he’s dirt.

Harry won’t stand for it.

‘’Do you need a ride or not?’’ Harry asks, barely containing himself from rolling his eyes.

Liam doesn’t say anything as he pulls the strap of Louis’ bag over his shoulder and then bends down and picks Louis up bridal style.

‘’Let’s go then.’’ Liam tells him before he turns around. The way Louis is huddled small in his arms makes Harry pick up the tray of drinks fast and quicken his steps on his way out of the cafe.

They’re gathering attention but Harry doesn’t care, not when Liam looks so worried. He opens the back seat door for Liam and is not surprised when Alberto looks at him with his eyebrows raised the moment he gets into the passenger seat.

‘’We need to go to the nearest hospital,’’ Harry says as he buckles up. ‘’My friend is really sick.’’

‘’Friend?’’

‘’Yeah from school, I recognized him.’’ Harry says and Alberto just looks at him. ‘’We need to go, he’s passed out back there.’’

Alberto turns around and sees Louis sprawled in the back seat, head on Liam’s lap. He immediately turns back around and starts the car.

‘’We’re going to be late for work.’’ Alberto mutters but Harry knows him, knows that he’s worried too. Harry turns around in his seat and sees Liam fretting over Louis, has his palm under his head and brushing his fringe with free hand which looks soaked.

‘’He’ll be fine, right?’’ Harry asks. He never thought his reunion with Louis would be like this, with him passed on in the back seat of his management’s company car.

‘’Yeah, he’s tough.’’ Liam says before he looks up at him. ‘’You said you recognized him?’’

It hits Harry then that Liam has no idea who he is but maybe that’s because his beanie and his shades are still on.

‘’Yeah we went to school together.’’ Harry says. ‘’Is he in uni now?’’

‘’Yeah, studying engineering.’’ Liam says, fingers moving through the strands of Louis’ fringe but talking like he appreciates the distraction. ‘’Working two jobs, you know how it is.’’

Harry doesn’t know how it is; he’s never been to uni but he fits the age bracket so he supposes he can’t blame Liam for thinking he’s in the same situation. He wonders what Liam makes of Alberto; probably thinks the man is his dad. He looks old enough to be his dad anyways.

‘’We’re here.’’ Alberto announces. When Harry looks up, they’re right in front of the entrance of a hospital.

‘’Thank you so much,’’ Liam says as he opens the door and hauls Louis in his arms.

‘’Bye…’’ Harry says but he’s gone before he can even take one last look at Louis, kicking the door closed with his boot and striding inside the hospital.

Alberto also starts driving, back to the main road. For a while, it’s silent between them. Harry takes in the shock and the whirlwind of the whole thing, distracted by the bizarre encounter until once again, Alberto parks the car but this time in front of the studio.

‘’You came up with a good excuse as to why you’re late or not yet?’’ Alberto asks him, snapping him out of what just happened.

‘’Not really, no.’’ Harry answers honestly. He’s got a lot of questions and a weird hope of maybe possibly seeing Louis again, reconnecting with him and asking him how he’s been and why he was sick, like he’s owed at least that much.

‘’Well, you better start moving or you’ll be more late.’’ Alberto says, nudging his thigh. Harry nods at him and as he goes to get his drink out from the tray, he realizes only then that Louis’ phone is still with him, loose in his grasp.

Maybe his questions will be answered after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are much appreciated :D


	2. Louis' Apartment

_This life hasn't turned out_   
_Quite the way I want it to be_

-Nickelback, Rock Star

Sometimes it feels like he’s been a rock star his entire life, what with being a professional singer since he was 18. This is not including when he used to play at his cousins’ weddings with his friends from school or that one time they played in Leeds’ festival and were discovered by a talent scout.

And yet, even with four albums under his belt, it’s still a complex process, the whole making an album and writing songs down. Walking into the studio, it’s easy to forget a little bit about Louis when he sees Zayn slumped asleep on the sofa and Niall strumming his guitar with Luke.

Zayn and Niall are his band-mates, picked up through boot camp when management concluded that Harry would not make it as a solo artist. So, they shacked him up in an apartment with Zayn and Niall to get to know each other and the rest as they say was history.

Their musicians are Luke, who plays electric guitar along with Niall, Calum on bass, Ashton on drums and Michael on keys. At first, they were their own band but when they got signed up, management thought they needed better lead singers and so, ‘’The Rogue'' was born.

They'd started out as a pop band but their rock songs were just so much better that by the second album, their true talent as rock stars cemented their names in history. Their success was one of those fairy tale types of stories, with nowhere to go but up. It’s come to a point where they no longer need to go to the top as it was more important now that they stay on top, undefeated and out of reach.

It never mattered to Harry though; all he wanted was to sing, to perform on stage, any stage and sing his heart out. In a way, he knows that they all still share the same dream but somehow, with the building pressure, some of them stumbled and lost their way.

There was a time when Zayn’s drug problems were getting harder to hide from the press, a time when Niall’s drinking problems almost led to tour cancellations. Michael almost got himself killed twice (not intentionally) , high off booze and drugs. Ashton was arrested twice, once for soliciting sexual favours from a prostitute and the other for organizing an orgy in his hotel room. He's lucky management was able to get him out of it. How? Harry has no idea. Somehow, they found themselves fitting the rock star image so fucking well, it's a wonder the press eats it up.

Harry doesn’t know how he’s stayed above it all but he doesn’t feel that way, feels like he’s hit rock bottom at one point in his career as well but maybe he was the only one brave enough to go out on camera and talk about his anxiety. Management hooked him up with a good therapist and he’s been better than he was before, taking up yoga, doing a lot of meditation and going to sleep listening to audio books. He just wishes his band-mates were right there with him, all done with recovery.

In a way he even understands their resentment for him; ever since that talk show where he tore up and spilled his heart out, fans were into him more than ever. He wasn’t just some rock god, some heartthrob, he was human with his own individual set of emotions and raw feelings. It set him apart from the boys, choosing to be that vulnerable. It wasn't in his intention to take that step but he was tired of appearing okay, tired of pretending he was fine. However, Management feasted on revamping his image after that and letting the others gain more fame by filling up the tabloids and gossip rags. Harry never wanted that, never liked how management played favourites and he knows his band-mates don’t mean it when they take their frustrations out on him because he too is frustrated.

He’s just glad that things have been calm for a while. Zayn was on the mend and Niall poured his feelings of heartbreak and betrayal into his music and maybe the calm has a lot to do with the familiar process of making an album. Ever since they’ve been giving relative freedom to make their own music and write their own songs, they felt like the leash had been loosened around their necks. Being reminded of their careers and what was at stake became less important compared to being in a studio, singing out harmonies, tapping into new rhythms and striving for that eureka moment when they know that a hit song was on its way, striving for that blissful moment of completing a song they poured their whole heart into.

If only it was an easy process though, because if it was, anyone can do it, right?

He takes a deep breathe, done with looking through the glass of the door before clicking it open.

‘’Sorry I’m late,’’ Harry says as he announces his arrival. He takes a seat on an armchair since Zayn was sprawled on the couch. They’ve been on a one-month break, fresh from a world-wide stadium tour. They’ve got two months to finish recording their fifth album. They’ve already recorded some songs while on tour, wrote down some lyrics. Luke, Niall and him were the main writers in the band, Ashton and Calum helping out with the music and melodies and Zayn…well, it’s enough that he’s Zayn because he does make for some brilliant contributions, no matter how small.

‘’Hmm…’’ Niall doesn’t even wave, busy scribbling something on a piece of paper and then him and Luke were back strumming their guitars again.

‘’Did Zayn party hard last night?’’ Harry asks as he looks at the rest of the boys who were tweaking their instruments. He can see Jamie, Tyler and Julian through the glass, talking and adjusting keys on the sound board. Harry must’ve been really late for them to already have something going on without him.

‘’You know how he gets.’’ Niall just says.

‘’Yeah,’’

Tyler catches his eyes and immediately turns towards the mic.

‘’Harry, you’re here. We’ve made some changes to the chorus on ‘Wolves’ which Niall contributed to. Let’s record it and see how it goes, yeah?’’ Tyler says.

Harry nods his head before he heads towards the recording booth, the boys following him. It doesn’t take much for Zayn to wake up and even though he looks a bit rough, their vocals go without a hitch.

Just another day at work, is all.

………………………………………………………………………………………

He’s back in his apartment and pulling his phone out of his pocket when he remembers Louis’ phone again. It’s been almost a week since he’s last seen Louis. Although he’s tried calling Liam through Louis’ phone, the lock on the phone made that impossible and then he’d forgotten to charge it the day before. So, he'd decided to leave it at home to charge.

Now, as he takes off his boots and relieves his pockets from his keys, he hears the sound of vibrations on his kitchen counter and realizes it’s Louis’ phone that’s ringing.

He runs towards it and immediately picks up the call.

‘’Hello?’’

‘’You motherfucker!’’ he recognizes Liam’s voice right away. ‘’You stole my mate’s phone, asshole!’’

‘’No, there’s been a misunderstanding.’’ Harry immediately says, blanched a bit from Liam’s aggressive tone and colourful choice of words.

‘’Care to explain then?’’ Liam says. ‘’I’ve seen your car, it’s not like you need a bloody phone.’’

Harry doesn’t correct him and tell him it wasn’t his car. He doesn’t think that telling Liam that he drives a range rover and owns a Mercedes would go over well.

‘’Look, I didn’t realize I still had it until after I dropped you guys off.’’ Harry explains. ‘’And it’s not like you were focused on anything else other than Louis anyways. I’ve tried calling you but there’s a lock on his phone.’’

‘’I’ve been calling since last night!’’

‘’Well, I was busy.’’ Harry says, trying not to sound petulant. ‘’I had work and it died down so I left it at home to charge. I only got back now.’’

‘’Oh,’’

‘’Yeah, oh.’’ Harry cannot help but say, glad to have stumped the other lad. ‘’Anyways, how’s Louis?’’

He’s been wondering about him throughout the week, sometimes staying up late in bed, staring at his ceiling as he took a trip down memory lane.

Harry had always been out with his sexuality even if he never spoke about it in public. He’s had pictures taken of him with all sorts of people; older women, women his age, boys and men alike. He lets the public speculate and make their guesses while he remains tight-lipped about his love life. You see, he doesn't think that he's ever had anything worth sharing with the public in that regard. It just wasn't a big deal; it's not like he's ever had something similar to what he had with Louis, something worth talking about.

Sometimes Harry wonders if there is any truth about the inability to shake off your first love because seeing Louis again dug up feelings he thought he’d forgotten. Seeing him again brought about memories he thought didn’t matter enough to keep running though his mind throughout all these years.

As far as he can remember, Louis was shy back in school. He had family problems, he'd always said but he never went into details about it. However, he'd allowed Harry to make a space inside his heart, allowed Harry to take him out on dates, walks in the park and even study groups in the library.

It was fun. Louis was sweet and Harry was head over heels for him. And then Leeds happened. Louis couldn’t come but Harry didn’t make a big deal out of it. A week later, he got a call back from the scout who had spotted him, who'd told him a recording company wanted to sign him but he had to leave and go to London. Harry was ecstatic when he'd texted the news to Louis and bittersweet when Harry'd waited for Louis to come and say goodbye to him in the airport only for his boyfriend not to show up. Before he knew it, he'd gotten too busy to try and fight for a long distance relationship. Besides, Louis had never bothered to call him anyways, let alone reply to his texts.

All Harry really remembers vividly of their last moments together was when he’d kissed Louis after dropping him off at home and Louis telling him he couldn’t go with him to Leeds because he had work to do.

He wonders if Louis remembers all that when they inevitably meet since he’s going to go and return his phone to him.

‘’How’s Louis you ask? Well, aside from overly anxious over losing his phone? Quite brilliant.’’ Liam says, totally unflappable. ‘’Now, can you deliver that phone or what? We can meet somewhere if you’d like but I’d rather not leave Louis alone.’’

‘’Why? Is he still in the hospital?’’ Harry asks, frowning.

‘’No,’’ Liam says and doesn’t elaborate.

‘’Well, I can drop by your place right now and just meet you both there.’’ Harry says, making sure to not to indicate that he wanted a chance to meet Louis again.

‘’Perfect, I’ll text you the address. Can you dictate to me your phone number, please?’’ Liam asks.

Harry almost hesitates to do so but realizes that Liam still doesn’t know who he is so he goes ahead with it. If Louis remembers him, it won’t be long before they realize it anyways and he’d rather not open that can of worms yet.

‘’And your name is?’’

‘’Harry.’’ He says and doesn’t mention his surname.

‘’Great, see you at 8 pm?’’

‘’That’s perfect.’’

He cannot believe he’s going to see Louis again.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

It’s less than an hour’s drive.

He’s glad he took a cab instead of his range rover because the apartment is near a university campus area and a lot of his fans are school kids and uni students. It’s early September so classes are already ongoing. He’s glad that Liam and Louis don’t live in the dorms but in an apartment off campus.

The driver tells him he’s arrived at his destination so he pays while staring up at the red-brick building. It looks old but well-kept and when he steps outside, he notes a few dead flowers in some patches of green outside the building. The area is not bad actually, well-populated with uni students. He pays the flowers no mind as he rings the intercom.

‘’Hello?’’

‘’Hi, it’s Harry.’’

‘’Who?’’

Harry realizes that it’s Louis’ voice he’s hearing. He swallows before he continues.

‘’Liam’s expecting me?’’ he says, not sure how to explain the situation.

‘’Oh, okay. Come on up.’’

The door buzzes and he pushes it open. The building has a lift but after waiting for almost five minutes, he assumes it’s broken and just takes the stairs to the sixth floor. He’s in good shape, having been going to the gym even while on break so he’s not nearly as out of breath as he’d though he’d be.

Still, he feels out of breath at the thought of standing in front of Louis’ apartment with nothing but a wooden door separating them.

Fuck, he’s nervous and he doesn’t even know why.

He knocks on the door and holds his breath but it whooshes out of him in slight disappointment when Liam opens the door.

‘’Oh, hey Harry,’’ Liam says neutrally. ‘’Come on in.’’

‘’Hi,’’ Harry greets back and steps inside.

‘’You can take off your shoes if you’d like.’’ Liam says before he heads over to what looks like the kitchen that opens to a nice living room. He takes off his shoes by the door before he looks around him. It’s a medium-sized apartment and there’s a draft coming from somewhere. It’s not yet winter so the breeze is quite welcome. The furniture is miss-matched but the colours go along well. As he follows Liam to the kitchen, he sees two bedrooms on opposite ends of the apartment. He wonders which one belongs to Louis.

‘’Tea?’’ Liam asks.

‘’Coffee if you have some.’’ Harry says, standing by the door way.

‘’Oh good. I hate tea.’’ Liam says before he turns his back to him and fixes up their drinks. Harry notices a tall chair by the counter over-looking the living room and decides to take a seat.

‘’You’re early.’’ Liam says.

‘’Oh, I thought I’d have problems finding the place.’’ Harry explains when in truth, he was maybe a little bit eager to come. ‘’Thought I’d maybe face some traffic or summat.’’

‘’Right,’’ Liam says. ‘’Sorry I had to set the time a bit late. I had classes all day.’’

‘’I thought you didn’t want to leave Louis.’’ Harry says before he could think about it.

‘’Yeah but he insisted I go, stubborn as always.’’

There’s a note of fondness in his tone and Harry wonders if maybe Liam is more than just a room-mate. He decides to make a bold move.

‘’A favourite quality in a partner?’’ Harry asks, trying to be subtle about it.

‘’Oh no, we’re not like that.’’ Liam laughs. ‘’I have a girlfriend. Louis has been single for as long as I’ve known him.’’

Harry wants to correct him, tell him that Louis wasn’t single back in school, that they were a proper item at some point even if back then, they were not proper adults to understand the meaning of what an established relationship meant. He wants to tell Liam that Louis had meant something to him at one point in his life, that Louis was a good boyfriend. Even if he was shy around their peers, he treated Harry like his favourite cuddle bear, the way they were so wrapped up in each other back when they were sixteen. The thing is though, Louis still means something now. He just doesn’t know to what extent.

‘’Speaking of Louis,’’ Harry says when Liam turns around and sets two steaming mugs on the table. He takes Louis’ phone out of his pocket and waves it at Liam. ‘’I got it fully charged too.’’

‘’Oh, lovely. You can just set it on the counter there.’’ Liam says with a smile that is weird to see when he thinks back to the way they spoke before.

‘’Sure,’’ Harry does as told.

‘’I hope the coffee is to your liking.’’ Liam says as he waves at Harry to join him so Harry stands up to take a seat by the table.

‘’Thank you,’’ Harry says, about to reach for the mug.

‘’Oh,’’

Harry’s head whips up towards the door of the kitchen.

Louis is looking at him with wide eyes, eyes that have him rooted in place, eyes that are blazing with familiarity, eyes that say so much because they are eyes that recognize him.

‘’Hi,’’ Harry says, not aware how soft his voice had come out.

‘’You’re that Harry.’’ Louis says, like he’s only cluing in now.

‘’Yes?’’

‘’The Harry that had my phone.’’

‘’Yes,’’ Harry repeats, a small smile quirking up his lips as he turns and faces Louis.

‘’Harry said you know each other.’’ Liam turns around in his seat. ‘’Said he knew you from school?’’

‘’He’s right.’’ Louis shakes his head, like he can’t believe the situation. Harry cannot blame him; he’s reeling quite a bit even now. ‘’It’s been…’’

‘’A while,’’ Harry finishes the sentence.

‘’Years,’’ Louis almost scoffs. ‘’It’s been years. You look…’’

‘’Weird?’’ Harry says, almost wincing, thinking that maybe he’d gone overboard with dressing down. He’s only wearing a white t-shirt and black skinny jeans. He had a new pair of white converse that he had to scruff up so that it wouldn’t look brand-spanking new when he wore it. Maybe he should’ve been more careful with his outfit, dressed like a uni student or something. What do uni lads wear anyways? 

‘’Taller,’’ Louis says, a hint of a smile on his face. ‘’Broader, curlier hair…’’

‘’Still got the dimples though,’’ Harry smiles big and chastises himself for being silly. He doesn’t know what’s come over him but it’s a familiar feeling, the keen-ish interest in wanting to make Louis laugh settling over him like a familiar blanket.

‘’Oh wow.’’ Louis smiles big.

‘’Oh my god!’’ Liam exclaims. He stands up in haste, almost knocking the chair over. He rights himself until he’s standing next to Louis. ‘’I know you!’’

Oh no, Harry thinks…

‘’You’re that rocker!’’ Liam says, voice loud. ‘’Those dimples…Louis! He’s from that band!’’

‘’What band?’’

‘’Louis…’’ Harry takes a step closer but Liam just keeps talking.

‘’He’s famous, man!’’ Liam says, pulling at Louis’ arm and gesticulating at Harry. ‘’Your friend is a mega star. He’s the front man of that band that I listen to. The one with Niall and Zayn and…’’

‘’Can we please not?’’ Harry interrupts loudly before he smiles. ‘’I’m still a normal person, I went to school with Louis for crying out loud.’’

‘’Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out.’’ Liam says in a rush. ‘’It’s just…I can’t believe I shouted at you.’’

‘’It’s cool, you had every right.’’ Harry says before he turns to Louis, eager to continue talking to him. ‘’Now, can we focus on this reunion or what?’’

Louis smiles and shakes his head at him, like he still cannot believe it.

‘’I can’t believe you’re here.’’ Louis says. ‘’You had my phone with you?’’

‘’Yeah, I came to return it.’’ Harry says, throwing a thumb behind him at the counter where Louis’ phone lays. ‘’Fully charged and everything.’’

‘’Oh thanks,’’ Louis says, like mentioning that will make the situation anymore normal.

‘’I’ll make tea.’’ Liam announces before he hurries towards the kettle. ‘’Louis, come sit with us.’’

‘’Can I have a hug first?’’ Harry blurts out, brain to mouth filter completely vanishing into thin air. ‘’It’s just…’’

‘’What?’’ Louis’ eyes turn soft.

‘’It’s been a while.’’ Harry says, cheeks blushing. ‘’I honestly can’t believe you’re in front of me right now.’’

Louis tucks his hands in his pockets and rolls on his heels, his eyes filled with mirth. He’s wearing a baggy and faded blue shirt paired with loose grey sweatpants that is making him look soft and small. He’s an inch or two shorter than Harry and his hair is longer than it was the last time he saw him. He looks adequately huggable.

Louis doesn’t let him melt in a pool of embarrassment over his request too long when he takes two small steps towards him. Harry does not miss it when Louis stretches on his tip toes and gets his arms around Harry’s shoulders. Harry meets him half-way, hunches slightly as he wraps his arms around Louis’ waist and gives him a proper, tight hug.

‘’I’ve missed you.’’ Harry cannot help but say into the curve of Louis' neck. For a reunion hug, it’s definitely up there as one of the best hugs Harry’s ever had in years. It’s all encompassing, holding Louis like this. He’s so small in his arms, smaller than he initially thought he was.

‘’You smell so good.’’ Louis says and then chuckles like he’s laughing at himself for his silly comment. To Harry, it can’t be silly because Louis can say what he wants and he’ll still like it.

Harry just hugs him tighter, goes as far as actually raising Louis a little bit in his arms and getting his socketed feet on his shoes, startling Louis.

‘’Harry!’’

Harry just laughs and sets him back down on the floor, standing upright but not letting his hands leave Louis’ waist.

‘’Your eyes haven’t changed a bit.’’ Harry says. They’re still as blue as the deepest parts of the ocean, like the waters in Jamaica where the band recorded its third album, like the beaches in the Philippines when he’d gone back-packing Southeast Asia with Niall. They are as blue as the eyes of the boy that captured his heart at the ripe age of 16 and ruined him for anyone else…

Shit. Where did that come from?

‘’Yeah, they’re still blue.’’ Louis snorts before he pats Harry's shoulders and pulls away. ‘’Let’s talk about this band of yours, yeah?’’

Harry takes a seat next to Louis and together with Liam, they talk throughout the night.

It turns out that Louis has not heard of his band, too busy working and too busy studying to maintain his straight A’s. He’s studying to become an architectural engineer and Liam’s majoring in social services, strives to become either a social worker or something in HR.

Harry regales them with stories from the road upon their insistence. Before he knows it, Liam is ordering Chinese food take-away and he’s staying over for dinner. He didn’t even realize he was hungry, too anxious to eat anything before he left and too caught up in Louis sitting next to him to notice the time. He's only glad that the boys haven't eaten yet what with Liam coming home late from his lectures and Louis over-sleeping. Louis, with his dainty hands around his big mug, arms folded when he’d finished his tea and meal, fringe soft across his forehead and genuinely interested in what he has to say.

Louis doesn’t have the awe-struck, dazzled look that Liam is giving him, like that of his fans but more like a proud, fond look, like he couldn’t believe Harry’s accomplishments but is immensely happy for him, like he always knew he’d be something and was glad to see it be more than he ever thought he’d be. It makes Harry sit up tall in his seat but at the same time shy under his gaze. He doesn’t want to brag but at the same time, he wants Louis to know everything, tell him what he’d missed out on, what he could have been a part of if only they’d stayed in touch. He doesn’t blame Louis for their long disconnection but he wishes he knew what happened back then to make Louis pull away and drift apart before Harry got too busy with his career.

‘’I cannot believe it’s already 11:30.’’ Liam says as he turns around with the empty cartons, eyes on the timer in the microwave. ‘’So sorry Harry; we didn’t mean to keep you.’’

‘’No, it’s alright. Wanted to catch up with this one anyways.’’ Harry says as he gently elbows Louis.

‘’Well, you guys do that. I have work tomorrow.’’ Liam says after he’s lifted the trash from the bin. ‘’I’ll be off. Thanks for bringing Louis’ phone back.’’

‘’Nah, thank you. I would have missed out on this night if you’d ignored me back at the cafe.’’ Harry says, already on good terms with Liam.

‘’Don’t remind me.’’ Liam shakes his head. ‘’Good night then.’’

‘’Good night, Li.’’ Louis says.

‘’Good night.’’

They’re quiet as Liam takes out the trash. Harry waits until he hears the sound of Liam’s door shutting closed before he turns sideways in his seat and faces Louis.

‘’So,’’

‘’So?’’ Louis says, tilting his head at him.

‘’Do you want to know what happened at the cafe?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I’ve been meaning to ask all night.’’ Louis nods. ‘’Liam said you got your dad to drive us over to the hospital?’’

Harry laughs before he explains about Alberto and tells him what happened. He tells him about how worried he was and how he wanted to enter the hospital with Liam but couldn’t because of studio time.

‘’Ah, I see.’’ Louis says.

‘’Were you in the hospital long? Are you sick?’’

‘’No, I just had a bad bout of fever.’’ Louis assures him.

‘’A fever?’’

‘’Yeah, I called Liam, said I wouldn’t make it to study group. I felt my head was splitting open, like I had this massive migraine, which it turns out I did and then I think I passed out on him while he was still on the line.’’ Louis explains. ‘’And then you happened to pick up the phone when he'd called again.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Harry says as he rakes his eyes over him. ‘’But you’re okay now?’’

‘’Yeah, don’t worry about it.’’ Louis then stands up. ‘’I get sick a lot, so nothing new there.’’

‘’Why’s that?’’

‘’Bad immune system, I guess. I don’t know.’’ Louis shrugs. ‘’Anyways, can we go sit in the living room?’’

‘’Sure,’’

Louis leaves their empty mugs in the kitchen sink before he turns off the lights and leads Harry to the living room.

‘’It’s late,’’ Louis says, eyes on the clock in the living room. ‘’I don’t want to keep you up.’’

Harry knows not to push it, knows it’s not really house etiquette to over stay his welcome even though all he wants to do is stay just a little bit longer.

‘’Can I have your number then?’’ Harry ventures. ‘’I’d like to stay in touch this time.’’

He sees something cross over Louis’ eyes but it’s gone too soon as he smiles.

‘’Sure,’’ Louis reaches for his phone on the counter and asks for Harry’s number. Harry takes out his phone from his pocket and sees a text from Louis ping on his phone.

‘’I’m free the next two months.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’I don’t go on tour until next year so it will be nice if we can hang out, reconnect.’’

‘’Yeah, I’d love to catch up.’’ Louis says as he leads Harry towards the door.

‘’Would you like to meet my band mates?’’ Harry asks as he puts on his shoes. ‘’You can even bring Liam along. He seems like a massive fan.’’

‘’Yeah, maybe.’’ Louis says. ‘’I’ll ask him.’’

‘’Listen,’’ Harry starts and he hopes he doesn’t sound like a twat. ‘’Can you not tell anyone I was here? It’s just, people talk and then articles get printed in the papers. I don’t want that type of pressure on you guys, you know?’’

‘’Yeah, don’t worry about it.’’ Louis reaches for his hand and squeezes it. ‘’I’ll tell Liam. He’s a good secret keeper.’’

‘’Okay, thanks.’’ Harry says, relieved. ‘’I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or a celebrity diva, it’s just...’’

‘’Haz, it’s really okay.’’ Louis interrupts and hearing that nickname fall out of his lips so easily makes him shiver. No one ever calls him that, not even his band-mates. Only Louis ever called him that.

‘’I’ll see you soon then?’’ Harry says, turning his hand so that he’s the one holding Louis’.

‘’I’ll see you soon then.’’ Louis smiles at him and when Harry smiles back, it stays on his face. Even after the door closes, even after he leaves the cab he takes home and all the way to when he undresses and is already lying in bed, the smile doesn't leave his face.

He’s going to see Louis again and he’s going to see him soon.


	3. Harry's house

_I just wanna tell you somethin'_   
_Lately, you've been on my mind_

-Harry Styles, Adore you

They meet up a couple of times in the following week. Once in a hole in the wall Persian restaurant where no way anyone would expect Harry styles to be in and once in the kitchen of a celebrity chef friend of his, who let them eat in the back room so that they could have privacy from prying eyes.

Harry always explains the unusual settings, feels like he needs to. He doesn’t want to scare Louis away by dining out in places where paps can easily find him. It wouldn’t be a problem if they were out dancing in a night club with a group of friends or perhaps even dining in his house but for one, he wants Louis all to himself first before he shares his attention with his friends and two; he doesn’t want to move too strong too fast.

Louis doesn’t seem to mind one bit. They talk like no time has passed at all only now, Louis is more mature than he used to be at sixteen. Still his usual, quiet self, listens to Harry more than he talks but when he does, it’s more than just chopped-up strings of words or one-liners. Back in school, Harry was what one would class as the popular kid and Louis was the shy book worm. Harry was new in Doncaster, only there for one school year but he took to his peers faster than fish took to water. And yet, all that intrigued him was the boy in espadrilles, long-sleeved striped shirts and black-rimmed glasses with a bowl haircut and too many books in his arms.

Aside from the first two times they’d gone out, Harry had been frequently at Louis’ apartment, choosing the anonymity of the place and how Louis seems more relaxed there, how Harry relaxes there almost as much. They spend almost all night talking and its fun and amazing how easily Louis fits right back into his life, even if they don’t run in the same circles.

He wants to take Louis out some more though, doesn’t want to infringe on Liam’s space as well since it is also his apartment. However, he also doesn’t want face timing when he can see Louis in person but Louis is apologetic, saying something about his classes already swamping him to go on more dates so Harry takes to waking up early and driving him to his lectures. He insists on it even if it sometimes means that Liam tags along, also on his way to his lectures. 

Sometimes he calls just when Louis is heading home, is just going to buy a late dinner first he says and so Harry asks him if he could come over that by the time Louis is done ordering and eating, Harry has his car parked outside, waiting to take them back to the apartment. He doesn’t always come up, is content with driving Louis home but when he lies in his bed, he wishes he was selfish enough to invite himself over and then reprimands himself for being too clingy.

You see, it’s a routine that won’t last long. Harry knows that he’s got obligations coming up, book signings and album launches and interviews and flying all the country. For now, he makes due with catching up on Louis’ life and occasionally spending time with a new friend because it turns out, Liam is just a big puppy with admirable qualities.

All the while, he wishes he had the guts to ask about what happened. Don’t get him wrong, he loves listening to Louis talk about his professors, loves listening to him ramble about his classes and his enthusiasm for football but more than ever, he wants to know why they didn’t work out when the chemistry between them is still so good.

What Harry has the guts to do is ask Louis to come over his place for dinner which Louis easily agrees to, especially when Harry says that he’s going to be cooking.

‘’Just don’t make it on a weekend.’’ Louis asks as he walks Harry to the door. Harry had stayed over late again but Louis doesn’t seem too bothered by it.

‘’Because of your other job?’’

Louis works three times a week as a server in a restaurant and works weekend mornings in a bakery as a book keeper. He spends the rest of the weekend studying and submitting homework or working on group projects.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis confirms as he sleepily leans against the open door, stifling a yawn.

‘’I’m sorry I kept you up.’’ Harry says, truly apologetic.

‘’No, it’s alright. You’re not the only one who’s been eager, you know.’’ Louis smiles at him.

‘’Eager?’’

‘’What? You think I don’t miss that ugly mug of yours?’’

‘’This ugly mug is on high demand, I’ll have you know.’’ Harry reaches over and tickles Louis’ side in revenge, causing Louis to squeal and bat at his chest.

When Harry stops, he finds himself closer to Louis, almost nose to nose.

‘’I take it back then.’’ Louis says quietly, looking up at him through his lashes. Harry knows he’s not doing it on purpose but he can’t help but be pulled to Louis, like a magnet.

‘’Take what back?’’

‘’You don’t have an ugly mug for a face.’’ Louis says, fingers tracing gently on his collarbones where his palms rest on his chest. ‘’But I have to say your nose is quite large.’’

‘’I blame my father’s side of the family.’’ Harry says dramatically.

‘’Yeah, you should.’’ Louis says seriously before he chuckles and pushes Harry back. ‘’Go before it gets late enough for you to get mugged.’’

‘’I will, I will.’’ Harry says as he steps out in the hall way. ‘’Good night, Lou.’’

He can’t be alone in this, in feeling this constant need to spend more time with him. Louis must be feeling something too.

‘’Good night, Haz.’’ Louis says before he gently closes the door.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Where are these ideas coming from?’’ Jamie asks.

They’re in the studio again and so far, they’ve gotten a whole song written in just under three hours. Harry’s been filled with inspiration lately, words and poetry buzzing in his head, waiting to be inked in paper.

‘’He’s probably fucking someone.’’ Zayn says rather crudely.

‘’No, I’m not.’’ Harry protests.

‘’Then you’re definitely seeing someone.’’ Niall says.

‘’Well,’’ Harry starts because for the life of him, he doesn’t know how to lie. ‘’It’s just an old friend. You know how you reconnect with a friend from school and they remind you of things like your past relationships and stuff?’’

‘’Ah, I see.’’ Jamie says, ‘’keep talking.’’

He jots down Harry’s thoughts and new ideas on the topic of running into an old flame, hoping it will result in a song in the next session. Zayn contributes here and there, Niall strums a chord that Jamie likes and it’s coming together easier than Harry thought it would.

He wonders if he should tell Louis that he’s possibly writing a song about him.

‘’So who is this friend?’’ Niall says while Jamie talks with the musicians about the instrumentals for the song.

‘’You remember when I was late earlier this month?’’ Harry reminds him. It's weird to think it’s been a little over two weeks since he’d driven Louis to the hospital, unconscious in his backseat.

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’I ran into an old friend at a cafe. He’s in uni now and we’ve been catching up.’’

‘’Is this friend a past flame?’’ Niall asks quietly.

Of all the boys in the band, he’s closest to Niall. Most people relate his drinking problems to getting his heart broken. While that may be true, he’s not exactly messed up. Niall was hurt, had his secrets sold to the press by his partner. It led to heavy legal issues and even a lawsuit but instead of lashing out, he imploded. He drinks to forget and in drinking, he’d inspired an entire solo EP that came out along with their fourth album. He’s not sunk inside the bottom of a bottle anymore but it was bad at some point. It’s all in the past now but people don’t seem to want to forget about it, interviewers always mentioning his bar hopping incidents, like they hadn’t won a Grammy because of all of Niall’s heartbreak songs in the fourth album.

‘’Sort of.’’

‘’Meaning?’’

‘’We never exactly broke up.’’ Harry admits. ‘’We just…drifted apart.’’

‘’Ah I see.’’ Niall looks down at his guitar. ‘’Do you feel like you’re falling for your friend again because of how you felt back then?’’

‘’I don’t know.’’ Harry answers honestly. ‘’Would that be a bad thing?’’

‘’No, just be careful.’’ Niall says as he plucks the strings. ‘’You don’t want it to be a break up this time, that’s all.’’

Harry knows he means well, knows that he can’t blame Niall for always being cautious about new relationships but he has a good feeling about Louis. He doesn’t want Niall’s ominous-sounding words to bring him down.

He gets back into a cheerful mood after they record the vocals for the new song. He feels good leaving the studio, almost giddy as he heads to the supermarket and buys the necessary items to make Louis dinner tonight.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Louis is late. When Harry’s text and call go unanswered, he calls Liam.

‘’Hey, Louis is supposed to be on his way here?’’ he asks. ‘’Did he leave his phone or something?’’

‘’No, he’s definitely on his way.’’ Liam says. ‘’He even left early to beat the traffic. I even helped him pick his clothes, man.’’

‘’Oh,’’ well, that’s interesting. Harry wonders if Louis had figured out that unlike the other times they’ve met, his intent for this meeting is different because for all intents and purposes, this one is a proper date. It's not just a meal in which he catches up with a friend.

‘’Yeah, just wait a few more minutes.’’ Liam says. He sounds distracted.

‘’Okay.’’ Harry hangs up and tries calling Louis again but it goes straight to voice mail.

He tries not to fret as he covers the food so that the dishes don't get cold. He's about to pour himself a glass of wine to calm his nerves when his phone buzzes with a text.

_I’m here_

_Okay, I’ll buzz you in_

He gets the gate to open immediately. When he opens the door, he sees Louis jogging up the drive way and up the steps of the porch.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,’’ Louis wraps his arms around him. ‘’Traffic was bloody awful.’’

‘’Hey, it’s alright. You’re here now.’’ Harry says, hugging Louis back, anxiety over his fretting all forgotten. Louis smells freshly showered and Harry tries not to make it obvious that he’s taking a deep breath of him before he lets go.

‘’Anyways, do I look okay?’’ Louis asks as he pulls back. He’s wearing black skinny jeans and a nice blue t-shirt, sleeves down to his elbows. His hair is styled too, hair messy-chic and he also smells divine.

‘’Is that Tom Ford?’’ Harry cannot help but ask.

‘’Yeah, borrowed it from a friend.’’ Louis says shyly. ‘’You like it?’’

‘’It’s lovely,’’ Harry pulls him into the house. ‘’And you look lovely.’’

Louis chuckles self-consciously, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

‘’Can I take my shoes off?’’ he asks.

‘’Sure, make yourself at home.’’ Harry is surprised when Louis reaches for his hands for balance and uses his toes to take off his shoes.

‘’Your house is so big, Haz.’’ Louis says as he lets go of Harry’s hand, like that little act of his didn’t make Harry’s heart flutter.

‘’Yeah, how about a tour after dinner?’’ Harry offers as he leads Louis towards the kitchen, hand on the small of his back. He’s pulling all the cards out tonight, making it explicit in his actions that this is a proper date and not just a get together.

‘’I’d like that.’’ Louis says and smiles at him.

‘’Okay, first things first, red wine or white wine?’’ Harry asks, holding out two bottles to Louis.

‘’Um, which one goes better with the food?’’ he asks.

‘’I’d say the red one.’’

‘’Red one it is then.’’ Louis reaches for the bottle and he reads the label on it. ‘’It’s in Italian, Haz.’’

‘’Yeah I got it from there.’’ Harry smiles.

‘’Oh wow, never had some before.’’

‘’You can have a seat, I’ll just take these out.’’ Harry starts carrying plates and glasses over, excitement and vigour lighting up his bones.

It’s a wonderful meal and even better company. Louis oohs and ahhs at the steak ribs he’d prepared, even coos at the salad and is delighted when Harry brings out the strawberries and then the brownies for dessert.

Louis’ face is flushed from the wine and it’s like he’s glowing.

It’s so easy to talk to him about everything and anything. Harry tells him about missing his family while on tour, about the ups and downs of the band. Louis contributes with a concerned remark here and there, more often than not reaching for his hand in a show of solidarity. His attention is sincere and whole-hearted, his words of support so staggering. Harry wishes he’d been there through the bad pap walks with him or held his hand when the boys were having an all-out war with management.

Harry finds himself wanting to hear his voice more. He gets caught up in Louis’ description of his usual routine at work, stories about long nights spent studying for exams, anecdotes about his encounters with regular customers, his dealings with his boss at the bakery. It sounds mundane but to Harry, it’s everything he’s missing out on if he were living a normal life.

Later on, Louis helps Harry with the dishes. He insists on it before they carry their glasses and Harry gives him a tour of the house.

‘’I can’t believe you live here all by yourself.’’ Louis says as they descend the stairs. ‘’All those rooms…unless you have parties here all the time.’’

‘’I do have parties here but to be fair, I don’t exactly stay here a lot.’’ Harry admits. ‘’Tour takes up a huge chunk of the year and when I’m back on English soil, I just run home to my mum for the holidays, you know?’’

‘’Ah I see.’’ Louis suddenly finishes his third glass in one go.

‘’You okay there?’’ Harry plucks the glass from Louis’ hand when he sits down heavily on his sofa.

‘’Yeah, that wine is really tasty,’’ Louis says, eyes closed.

‘’I can tell.’’ Harry snorts when he takes a seat carefully next to him, leaving both their glasses on the coffee table.

‘’My mum died right around the time you left for Leeds.’’ Louis says, eyes still closed, sprawled in his seat.

‘’What?’’

‘’We had to skip town,’’ Louis says, words a bit slurred but not drunk slurred, more like sleepy. ‘’My dad…he had gambling problems and my mum got tired of him. She just wanted a break from it all, you know?’’

Harry didn’t know. Louis never told him any of this even when they were together.

‘’We left the day you dropped me off.’’ Louis opens his eyes here and turns his head towards Harry. ‘’You remember?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou.’’

That day was the last time he’d kissed Louis, right there in front of his house.

‘’We left at night while my dad was asleep,’’ Louis closes his eyes again, head titled back. ‘’Mum stole his car keys and some cash from his wallet, just enough for gas. We packed a bag enough for one week and took off. She just drove and drove until we came to the sea-side, I think we ended up somewhere in Brighton, I’m not sure. Anyways, I’d left my phone so that’s why I couldn’t call you. I didn’t even know about your record deal. It was just a spur of the moment thing, you know?’

‘’I texted you to meet me at the airport when I got back.’’ Harry says. ‘’You never showed up.’’

‘’I never read that message.’’ Louis sighs. ‘’I never got back home, Harry.’’

‘’Why? What happened?’’

‘’Mum needed me more, that’s all. She passed away suddenly, in the motel we were renting and it was all I could think of at the time; calling dad, making arrangements, stuff like that.’’ Louis tilts his head towards him and smiles sadly. ‘’I’m really sorry. I should’ve been there for you.’’

‘’No, it’s alright. I understand now.’’ And he does, he really does. It’s not like Louis could help his circumstances, not like he chose to live through a terrible ordeal. ‘’I’m sorry about your mum. She was nice.’’

Harry had only met her once, when she’d fetched Louis one time from a study date in the library. Louis didn’t introduce him as his boyfriend but he’d seen the way Jay looked at him, like she knew anyways.

‘’Yeah, she was.’’ Louis’ eyes fall to his lips, his eyelashes sweeping lovely shadows over his cheeks. ‘’She liked you.’’

‘’She knew about us?’’

‘’I told her about how nice you were.’’ Louis says, eyes on his lips, no longer straying to his eyes. ‘’About how good you were to me.’’

‘’Always want to be good to you.’’ Harry says, turning sideways and moving closer.

‘’Yeah?’’ Louis says, almost in a whisper.

‘’Want to kiss you.’’ Harry says boldly.

Louis hums before he meets Harry half way and plants his lips on Harry’s.

Harry groans at the taste of him, cherry-flavoured and immediately addictive. He brushes his hands by Louis’ hips as Louis holds unto his shoulders. He groans again when Louis pushes at him and Harry grabs him by the hips and gets him straddled on his lap. Louis’ fingers dig into the back of his neck and when Harry squeezes his thighs, his mouth opens and Harry’s tongue dives in.

Louis gasps into his mouth, sound so sweet. The taste of him is now stronger than before, almost as strong as the way Louis’ fingers dig into his scalp, tangling with his hair.

They kiss for a long while, mixing it up between kitten licks and full on French kisses, trying to catch their breaths and simultaneously devouring each other. Each is trying to top the other but Harry takes the upper hand every time, exploring Louis’ mouth like a treasure map until he’s probably licked all traces of wine from his teeth and tongue.

‘’When did you learn to kiss like that?’’ Louis gasps into his mouth but Harry is unable to stop, doting on his upper lip with pecks and licks.

‘’You should ask yourself that.’’ he says, pulling at Louis’ lower lip with his teeth so that he can get him to open his mouth again. Louis is phenomenal and it’s a delightful surprise because they had never kissed like this before. Sure they were practically teen babies years ago but even then, it was already good. Now, it’s on a whole other level of wild.

‘’Fuck,’’ Louis moans when Harry lowers his hands and squeezes his arse cheeks.

‘’Is that okay?’’

‘’More than okay.’’ Louis starts grinding on him and Harry gasps. Fuck, he’s hard.

‘’You’re so beautiful.’’ Harry says, opening his eyes and watching Louis grind in his lap. ‘’I still can’t believe you’re back in my life.’’

‘’Touch me then, just to be extra sure.’’ Louis says and then moans when his hard dick brushes against Harry’s abs. ‘’…Can’t believe how fit you are.’’

Harry squeezes the flesh of his arse even more, mouth gravitating towards his neck until he latches on. Even the sweat of his skin is divine and he starts licking ardently, all the way to the back of his ear. He slides forward in his seat to so that he can pull Louis closer to him and he’s so close already, so fucking close…

‘’I’m gonna come.’’ Harry tells him and he leans back and watches as Louis bounces in his lap, arse landing on his dick and almost torturing him.

‘’Kiss me.’’ Louis gasps out. ‘’C’mon, kiss me.’’

He swoops in to swallow Louis’ moans into his lips when he pulls him in. He feels himself getting closer to his release as Louis’ moans vibrate down his throat. He manages to get a hand between them and presses the heel of his palm on Louis’ hard on.

‘’God, your hand…’’

‘’Come babe, c’mon.’’

He squeezes the outline of Louis’ dick several times, pulling and tugging and pressing and squeezing. It makes Louis almost squeal into his lips and after pumping him three more times, Louis’ arms tighten around his neck and then, he comes.

‘’Baby…’’ Harry cannot help it, cannot help but keep kissing his open mouth. He winds one arm around Louis’ waist and reaches out with his free hand for the back of Louis’ head so that he can keep their lips attached while simultaneously pulling Louis down on his dick.

It’s after a few more grinds from Louis that he feels his dick swell until the pressure explodes and he comes into his pants. He doesn’t stop moving Louis up and down on his dick as he comes, only slows down and then stops completely when the wave of his high tides over.

They end up kissing languidly in their soiled pants, Louis all loose limbs in his arms and mouth practically swollen and bruised from all the kissing. When they disconnect, a line of spit keeps them attached. Harry licks at it with the tip of his tongue before his eyes meet Louis’.

‘’Oops.’’ Harry says.

‘’Hi,’’ Louis smiles at him, head titling down to rest on his shoulder.

‘’Can you sleep over?’’ Harry asks, chest still heaving slightly. ‘’I don’t want you to go.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’Stay please.’’ Harry says as he wipes the sweat off Louis’ hairline. ‘’Say yes.’’

Louis nods at him and smiles softly. ‘’Yeah…I’ll stay.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Harry is awake, bright and early, standing by the stove and preparing some omelettes. Wisps of last night play like a vinyl record in his mind, making him feel more content than he’d been in months, like he’d finally found an outlet to drive out all the exhaustion and sore muscles he got from the tour. At the same time, feel renewed and energized, like he’s ready for round two.

He’d carried Louis upstairs to one of the bathrooms and brought him a change of clothes to sleep in. He’d then led him to one of the guest bedrooms as per Louis’ request and would have made his lips even more swollen kissing him good night if Louis hadn’t pushed him, citing his need to be at work early in the morning. So Harry let him go and promised to drive him to work.

Hence now, he’s preparing a thermos to go while Louis’ dressing up and smiles when he feels a pair of arms wrap around him.

‘’Good morning,’’ a raspy voice says.

‘’Good morning.’’ Harry turns around and gives Louis a proper hug.

‘’I can just take a cab from here, you know.’’ Louis mumbles.

‘’Nope, I’m already up. Promise is a promise.’’

‘’Okay,’’

‘’Are you smelling me?’’ Harry asks delightfully. He feels something akin to enamoured by the boy in his arms, who’s currently hiding his face in the juncture between his neck and shoulder and taking subtle but deep breaths.

‘’I don’t know what body spray you’re using but I dig it so much.’’ Louis sighs happily before he opens his eyes. ‘’So, last night…’’

‘’What about it?’’

‘’I liked it.’’ Louis says as he raises his head, nose almost bumping his with how close they are.

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Think we could have a repeat later today?’’ Louis asks, wrapping his arms around his neck. ‘’Say at around 5 or something? My place?’’

‘’Tell you what?’’ Harry says, bringing Louis’ feet on top of his own and rocking them back and forth, hands on the small of his back. ‘’I’ve got to be in the studio today. Why don’t you come over here after work, we go to the studio together and you can do your assignments or whatever projects you got going and then we go back to your place together? How does that sound?’’

‘’You want me to meet your band mates? Today?’’

‘’I want to take you to work with me today.’’ In truth, Harry just doesn’t want to be apart from him, wants to spend all day with him if he can help it.

‘’Liam is going to be so mad at me.’’ Louis chuckles before he bites his lower lip. ‘’But yeah okay. Why not?’’

‘’Perfect.’’ Harry pecks his button nose before he puts him down and starts plating their breakfast.

Louis asks him about the workings of a studio, which delves into the songs they’re recording, which leads to the history of the band’s formation.

‘’I can’t believe I haven’t heard a single song of yours.’’ Louis says as he buckles himself up in Harry’s range rover. He’s wearing some borrowed clothes from Harry since his clothes were in Harry’s hamper, in need of a wash. He looks soft in some of Harry’s old clothes from the early days of the band, a pair of black sweatpants that he had to roll at the ankles and a simple white shirt. ‘’Are you sure you’re that popular?’’

‘’Hey,’’ Harry protests as he playfully pinches Louis’ thigh, causing him to yelp and almost burns his tongue as he sips his tea. In truth, he likes it when Louis takes digs at their music because it’s actually quite refreshing and because he knows that Louis doesn’t really mean it since he’s trying to cover up the fact that he doesn’t know anything about Harry’s career. ‘’You’re wounding my pride here.’’

‘’I’m just saying that I’m quite invested now.’’ Louis explains. ‘’And therefore, I am going to research you up and illegally download all your song.’’

‘’Or I can give you signed copies of all our CDs. How does that sound?’’

‘’Make that two copies each or else Liam will skin me alive.’’ Louis says and actually shudders.

‘’Deal.’’ Harry realizes that he never took his hand off Louis’ thigh. In an attempt not to make it weird, he reaches up for Louis’ elbow until it gives and grasps Louis’ hand, intertwining their fingers over the console.

He keeps his sights straight ahead, sure that he’s blushing but hoping that Louis won’t say anything about it.

He doesn’t but when Harry steals a sideways glimpse, he sees Louis smiling and trying to hide it by taking an extra-long sip of his tea.

It’s easy to want him, easy to want to hold his hand. In truth, Harry has always loved love, even back in school. He’s dated so much in the past few years but could never set down roots and yet, it has never deterred him because he’s loved everyone he’s dated. Even if most of his dates never amounted to anything, never went beyond a peck on the cheek even or just a one night tumble between the sheets, he was okay with it. He just feels like he has all this love to give and no one to shower it upon, no one to give it to. He takes it out on songs, singing his heart out about where do broken hearts go and that even though love may be an abstract concept, it’s not an illusion.

However, with Louis, it’s like that love has become personified and his need to give his heart out has doubled in size. But for crying out loud, they’re not even official yet.

Louis has always been his type and sure, they weren't together long back in school but all the people he’d met after Louis always had something missing about them. He wasn’t looking for Louis in them, he wasn’t looking for anything really but with Louis, it’s like he’s found something he never knew he was even searching for.

‘’Thanks for the ride, H.’’ Louis says. Harry snaps back just in time to park the car in front of the bakery. Looking at the dashboard, he notes the time to be 4:50 am so they’ve still got 10 minutes before Louis’ shift starts.

‘’What time do you finish work?’’ Harry asks, turning his eyes to Louis.

‘’Around 1 pm.’’ Louis answers.

‘’Alright, I have to be in the studio at 3. We’ve got it booked for 5 hours so you have plenty of time to come over and bring your laptop or books with you.’’

‘’Sounds perfect.’’ Louis smiles and Harry cannot help but bring his hand up and kiss the back of it. Louis’ smile is so disarming, it makes his chest tingle.

‘’I am so dating you.’’ Harry cannot help but admit.

‘’What?’’ Louis asks, surprise apparent on his face.

‘’I want to date you officially.’’ Harry says simply. ‘’Is that okay?’’

‘’Um, you’re serious?’’ Louis checks. ‘’You don’t want this to be casual?’’

‘’No,’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’I want it to work this time.’’

‘’Are you even out?’’

‘’Yeah, of course I am…’’ and that’s when it hits Harry. ‘’Are you worried about my reputation?’’

‘’Well, I’m not exactly on the cover of Times magazine here.’’ Louis points out. ‘’And I’d like to be able to go to my lectures without a fuss. No offense of course.’’

‘’No I understand but we don’t have to tell anybody.’’ Harry assures him. ‘’Only Liam knows right?’’

‘’Yes but you want to bring me to work.’’ Louis reminds him. ‘’Won’t your friends know?’’

‘’Everyone in the band has their secrets, Louis.’’ Harry says. ‘’We all cover for each other. What happens in the industry stays in the industry or so the saying goes.’’

‘’Hmm.’’ Louis looks at the dashboard before he looks back apologetically at Harry. ‘’I’m not saying no but can we talk about this later? I’ll be late for work and you need to go back to sleep. It’s way too early.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry says because he doesn’t want Louis to be late. ‘’I’ll see you soon then.’’

‘’I’ll see you.’’ Louis hesitates before he leans over and kisses Harry on the cheek. ‘’Bye, Haz.’’

‘’Bye, Lou.’’

He watches him go inside the bakery and is glad that it’s way too early for paps to follow his car.

He just hopes that Louis will say yes. That’s what he’s more concerned about.


	4. The studio

_I was stumbling, looking in the dark (ohho)_   
_With an empty heart_   
_But you say you feel the same_   
_Could we ever be enough?_   
_Baby we could be enough_

-One Direction, Home

It’s close to 2 pm when he opens the gate up for Louis. He’s already dressed and has the food and cutlery ready for lunch.

‘’Hi Lou.’’ Harry says. He notices Louis’ back pack and a long cylindrical black tube hanging off Louis’ shoulder, as well as the thermos that he gave Louis this morning, a box of pastries and his clothes folded in his arms. ‘’Here, let me help you.’’

‘’Thanks for these.’’ Louis says as he takes his shoes off and puts down his things on the counter next to Harry’s bowl of keys. ‘’I had them washed.’’

‘’Oh you didn’t have to,’’

‘’I also got these from the bakery,’’ Louis presses the box of pastries into Harry’s chest. ‘’For the boys.’’

‘’Oh, thanks Lou. They’ll love it.’’ Harry cups his face for a short kiss before he tugs at his hand. ‘’Come on, lunch his ready.’’

He leaves his clothes (still warm from Louis’ hands), the thermos and the box pastries on the kitchen counter and seats Louis so that they can have their lunch, which consists of home-made tacos and salad made of a mixture of colourful peppers.

‘’You should’ve been a chef, Haz.’’ Louis says as he devours his food. ‘’How did you get this good at cooking?’’

‘’Living alone will do that to you.’’ Harry says before he explains. ‘’I don’t usually do much when I’m on break between albums so thought I’d teach myself how to cook.’’

‘’You don’t go clubbing?’’

‘’Not much, I usually hang out with my manager, sometimes my mentor from the early days. He’s got twins so I usually spend my days pushing the pram around when he goes grocery shopping with his wife.’’ Harry says and hopes he doesn’t sound pathetic.

‘’You’re an old soul trapped in one nice little body.’’ Louis laments before he laughs along with Harry. ‘’It’s no wonder you’re known as the kind one.’’

If Harry were a dog, his ears would be perking up. ‘’You searched about me.’’

‘’Eh, work was slow.’’ Louis shrugs. ‘’It gave me time to watch multiple videos on You-tube about you telling lame knock-knock jokes on stage and flirting with any dad you see in the audience.’’

‘’Hey, that’s fun.’ Harry protests.

‘’Yeah, it sure was.’’ Louis says, eyes soft, like he enjoyed every minute of watching Harry make a fool out of himself in all his pixelated glory.

‘’Well, time to go.’’ Harry clears his throat and goes to clean the table. Louis excuses himself to the bathroom and Harry quickly does the washing up.

Soon, they’re in the car, with Louis’ box of pastries on his lap and his things in the backseat.

‘’So, have you thought about the dating thing?’’ Harry says, the way he’s been dying to the moment Louis walked through the door with his arms full.

‘’I did, yeah.’’

‘’And?’’

‘’I don’t mind it.’’ Louis pauses. ‘’I just think we should take it easy, you know? And not put a label to it or anything, at least not yet.’’

‘’Yeah, okay.’’ Harry nods. ‘’But I don’t want you worrying about paps or what not. I won’t let that happen to you.’’

‘’No, I’m not worried about that, I just don’t want the people around me to be affected, that’s all.’’ Louis explains. ‘’Or like, I don’t want people I’ve known all throughout uni to suddenly talk to me like I'm someone interesting or to start asking questions about you. It’s like, weird.’’

‘’Yeah, I know what you mean.’’

It’s happened with him before, even with the lads, how some people who have never spoken to him at all suddenly want to become his best friend, how one thing leads to another and before he know it, they’re asking for favours he can’t refuse or requests that make him feel like a dick for saying no to adhering to.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m not being nice.’’ Louis says, misunderstanding Harry’s tone of voice.

‘’No, you make a valid point.’’ Harry assures him. ‘’It was like that with me too but I know you’re not like that. I’ve dated people like that and I know you’re not one of them.’’

‘’People like what?’’

‘’You know, people who suddenly pretend that they know me because of what they’ve heard of me,’’ Harry explains. ‘’And like, people who ask about me behind my back just so that they can one up me or something, pretend we have similar tastes. It’s creepy, if you ask me.’’

‘’Yeah, but it’s a small price to pay right?’’ Louis asks, reaching for Harry’s hand on the console. ‘’You’re living a good life. I don’t want you to regret it by dating people like me.’’

‘’People like you? What does that mean?’’

‘’You know, people who can easily take advantage of you. I’m not saying I’m like that but I could’ve been you know?’’ Louis huffs. ‘’I’m saying that’s why we shouldn’t rush into this. You should get to know me more and I should have the chance to do the same because, like, we’re not who we used to be, Haz. This way, no regrets, yeah?’’

‘’You haven’t changed much, Lou.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’I didn’t grow to dislike you over the years and yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t thought much about you either but that’s only because of how busy I was. It doesn’t mean you don’t mean anything to me because if you didn’t, I would have just sent my assistant to return your phone and not come all the way just for the chance to see you again.’’

‘’You wanted to see me?’’

‘’I’ve thought about running into you a lot,’’ Harry says and when they stop at a red light, he turns to face Louis. ‘’When I’m not busy, you cross my mine. Whenever I’d go home to my mom, I thought about driving past your old house, wondering if you were still there. I actually did it once.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’Yeah, but it was up for sale last I checked.’’ Harry says. ‘’See? You mean something, even after all this time.’’

Louis smiles his soft smile, the one that Harry’s coming to love.

‘’You mean something too.’’ Louis says before pecking the back of Harry’s hand and relaxing in his seat.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

When they arrive at the studio, there are fans and cameras outside but Alberto and Paul take care of it so they get inside unscathed.

‘’Who’s going to park your car?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Paul will take care of it,’’

‘’Is he your bodyguard?’’

‘’More like the band’s head of security.’’

‘’Wow, you really are a big shot.’’ Louis elbows him playfully. Harry cannot help but wrap his arm around his shoulder as he herds him towards the room they’re booked in.

‘’Okay, you ready?’’ Harry asks. He watches as Louis squares his shoulders and stands tall with the box of pastries held between his hands.

‘’I’m ready.’’ He winks at him.

Harry opens the door to a loud and rowdy room. He sees Ashton banging on the cymbals, Zayn hitting the triangle and Niall laughing on the ground while Luke and Jamie and Tyler are doing an off-key harmony.

Nothing out of the norm, Harry notes.

‘’Hey boys.’’ Harry greets loudly. All eyes turn to him and then the sound of throats clearing and paper rustling dies down.

‘’Is this the friend?’’ Niall asks as he picks himself up from the floor.

‘’Yeah, this is Louis. We go way back.’’ Harry says.

‘’Hi everyone.’’ Louis waves at the room in general.

‘’Is this for us?’’ Niall asks, standing in front of Louis and pointing to the box.

‘’Uh, yeah…’’ If Louis is shocked at Niall plucking the box from his hands, he hides it well.

‘’’I’m Niall. Thanks for this, I’m starving.’’ Niall says. He immediately devours a mini Danish and starts passing the box around.

‘’Yeah, no problem. Nice to meet you.’’ Louis says to Niall's retreating back. Harry hopes the boys show more class as he calls out the names and points them out to Louis.

As Harry expected, nobody approaches but Niall, all of them choosing to just wave or nod their way when Harry calls them out but Louis takes it with grace and just waves or smiles back. Harry is at least glad that they don’t make a big deal out of these things considering the number of girls Ashton brings around and how half of them are kicked out for disrupting whatever creativity they got going.

‘’You can sit here, Lou.’’ Harry walks him towards a table in a corner next to a grand piano. He clears out the take away boxes and the empty cups of coffee before he pulls a chair for Louis to sit on. ‘’Is the space okay?’’

‘’It’s perfect, Haz.’’ Louis says as he puts his back pack on his lap and his cylindrical thing on the table. ‘’Don’t worry about me, I’m good here.’’

‘’You sure?’’

‘’Yeah, go do your jamming session thing or whatever.’’ Louis says, pushing him slightly.

‘’Alright,’’ Harry says. He wants to ruffle his hair or bend down for a kiss but finds it best not to make things awkward for Lou. Knowing his boys, they’ll cat-call and hoot if they see them kissing. ‘’I’ll get you coffee in a bit.’’

‘’Tea please.’’ Louis corrects him.

‘’Right,’’

Not wanting to be awkward, he turns around. He sees Jamie shuffling the boys to the recording booth. The whole room is divided into four sections; there’s the lounge area section, which has bean bags, two arm chairs, a sofa and a coffee table. There’s the section which Louis is sitting in, which has guitars hanging on the walls, a drum-kit behind Louis and a grand piano in front of him, as well as an assortment of instruments and wiring on the floor. it's a section purely for jamming. There’s then the sound board room, with all the buttons and is mostly for Jamie, Julian and the other producers and song writers on their team. The last section is the recording booth, which has a stand for the their music sheets, almost twice as many instruments and microphones for vocals.

This last section is right in Louis’ view since they’re only separated by glass. Though Louis looks already engrossed in whatever it is he’s reading off his laptop, Harry wishes he would look up and see him sing. Even if Louis won’t be able to hear anything since the glass is soundproof, he wishes for it anyways.

They start singing ‘’Olivia’’ and the trumpets that Niall suggested are there. They do more than one take, one with the trumpets, one without them, and then they add different variations and tweaks here and there. All the while, Louis rarely looks up from his papers and books. Although it’s nice seeing how hard-working he is, Harry is distracted by his presence, wishes he could talk to Louis, ask for his input, his opinion. Most outsiders who come into the studio are either plastered against the glass gawking at them or sitting in the board room with headphones on to hear them sing. It’s nice to see Louis so dedicated to his work though, so Harry leaves him be and focuses on his own.

After they’re done recording, they take a bit of a break and Harry heads straight for Louis.

‘’Hey, we’re going to get some refreshments. Do you want your tea now?’’ Harry asks, placing a hand on Louis’ shoulder.

‘’Yeah, that would be great.’’ Louis says as he stretches a bit.

So, Harry heads to the lounge area where they’ve got a long table with kettles and all sorts of tea bags, finger foods and drinks. He prepares one ginger lemon tea for himself and one Yorkshire tea for Louis, just how he likes it.

‘’Who’s the twink really, Harry?’’ Ashton asks.

‘’My friend from school.’’ Harry says, exasperated. ‘’And don’t call him that, yeah?’’

‘’Oh he has a name?’’

Ashton and he aren’t really friends outside of work. They tolerate each other at best, mostly because Ashton is such a slag and Harry well…is not. Harry also doesn’t like confrontations and it seems to delight Ashton every time he thinks he’s gotten under Harry’s skin. Harry just doesn’t like petty fights.

‘’Yeah, his name is Louis, dimwit.’’ Niall says before he cuffs Ashton on the upside of his head. ‘’Keep up with the times, asshole.’’

Ashton almost goes for him but Zayn stands in the way.

‘’Oh care for another arrest, Ash?’’ Zayn asks.

‘’Bite me, Malik.’’

‘’Nah, you’ll taste rotten.’’ Zayn merely says before he wraps his arm around Harry. ‘’Run along now.’’

Ashton fumes before Luke grips him by the neck and tugs him away, looking at Harry apologetically.

‘’You okay?’’ Zayn asks Harry.

‘’Why is he always like that?’’ Harry cannot help but ask. ‘’I told him I was sorry about a hundred times.’’

Back when Ashton was having that orgy party, Harry was trying to get some sleep in his room. When he’d called room services to check out the noise in the middle of the night, he didn’t know the noise was coming from Ashton’s party, let alone that he was in the middle of a threesome when security barged into the room. He just thought it was another guest having a wild birthday or something.

‘’Nah, I told you already. You did the right thing.’’ Zayn says. ‘’He could’ve knocked somebody up and he doesn’t strike me as the child support kind of guy.’’

Harry sighs; between him and the lads, he’s the youngest, their ages ranging from 21 to 25 and yet he feels like they grew up too fast, missed out on a lot and fearing things like child support and being humiliated publicly by knocking up a one night stand shouldn’t be the concern people their age should have. It makes him envy Louis sometimes for having nothing to fear but exams and deadlines.

‘’You never know,’’ Harry says. ‘’Kids can change people.’’

‘’Speaking of change,’’ Zayn says as he leans against the table and smirks. ‘’You never bring anyone over to the studio except your sister. What’s up with you?’’

‘’He’s special.’’ Harry hedges.

‘’Is that so?’’

‘’What? You bring people around all the time. Can’t I pick up on the trend?’’

‘’As mysterious as always.’’

‘’Dude, mysterious is your middle name, not mine.’’

‘’Well I wouldn’t keep him waiting. He’s probably getting jealous looking over at us.’’

Harry turns around just in time to see Louis divert his eyes back to his laptop, like he was curious about him and Zayn.

‘’Later then.’’ Harry says and turns around with the drinks.

‘’Hey you.’’ Harry greets and takes a seat at the table.

‘’Hey,’’ Louis says as he pushes away his fringe.

‘’Got your tea.’’

‘’Oh thanks.’’

‘’If you need anything, don’t hesitate to just walk over there and pick up a bite or another cuppa.’’ Harry offers.

‘’Thanks, Haz.’’ Louis says as he leans back in his chair and looks at the room. ‘’They sure are an eclectic bunch.’’

Harry turns sideways in his seat and looks at the boys. They’re having a discussion with Julian, their main producer and song writer. Zayn is wrapping up some weed for him and Michael, which is totally ridiculous but so Zayn. He should probably join the meeting soon.

‘’They’re pretty talented.’’ Harry says.

‘’Who plays what again?’’ Louis gestures with his cup to the boys. Harry explains to him about the role of each one in the band. He also tells Louis that they also record some solo stuff in their albums, something that was suggested and done by album four since it was starting to become a thing, popularized by k-pop bands.

‘’Wow, I didn’t know that.’’ Louis says, totally in awe. ‘’It’s no wonder Liam is head over heels about Zayn this and Niall that. Maybe that’s why I never thought of them as part of a band if he mostly listens to their solo stuff.’’

‘’Probably.’’ Harry nods.

‘’What song did you record today?’’

‘’It’s a song called ‘’Olivia’’. Niall, Zayn and I worked on it yesterday and recorded the demo today. We still aren’t sure if we want to include trumpets or not so for now, it will remain a demo until we can finalize it.’’

‘’Ah I see.’’

‘’How’s your homework coming about?’’ Harry asks when he sees Louis yawning. ‘’Not good I presume.’’

‘’Nah, just taxing.’’ Louis says before he finishes his tea in one go. ‘’I’ve got to work on some blue prints soon but I’m almost done.’’

‘’That’s good.’’ Harry smiles at him.

‘’Are you done for today?’’

Harry looks behind him and sees the musicians leaving. Michael has his unlit weed on his ear lobe and Luke's arm wrapped around his shoulders. Calum gives him a two-hand salute and an overly obvious wink, which is just ridiculous. Ashton gives him the stink eye as the door closes behind him.

‘’Nah, the recording part is done for now. We’ll probably just work on some lyrics.’’ Harry then explains the role of Julian, Jamie and Tyler and how they help them with the writing process.

‘’You have to go back to work.’’ Louis points out; tired eyes blinking at him. ‘’Your boys are looking over here.’’

Louis is right. Julian does call him to join their writing session so he leaves Louis to it and sits with the team in the lounge area, drink in hand.

They’re discussing a song that should have been in one of their older albums but it just ended up collecting dust in the shelf so now they’re thinking of reviving it. It’s a song called ‘’Fireproof’’ and with Louis sitting there, like an angel in the corner of the room, the ideas come flowing. Niall is soon plucking his acoustic guitar and one thing leads to another and before they know it, the other half of the song, the part that was missing and left it incomplete was done.

‘’We can record a rough version right now, if you boys want.’’ Julian suggests after about an hour and a half. ‘’Keep the juices flowing?’’

Harry agrees and so do Zayn and Niall. They get up, and head for the recording booth when Harry sees Louis slumped over the table, asleep over a huge blue paper that looks like a blueprint. When Harry heads over, he sees that he’s asleep, pencil slack in his hand.

The AC is right to Louis’ back so Harry looks around and sees a blanket draped over the back of the sofa. Sometimes, he or Niall or any of the producers and song writers, they end up sleeping in the studio when working late on a song so their assistants do tend to leave a blanket or two around. He picks it up now and covers Louis’ back before he heads for the booth.

Niall plays the opening tunes with his guitar and with the rough lyrics in front of them, they sing.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

They record several takes of the song, scratch lines here and there, tweak the tune and re-arrange the verses and before he knows it, Julian is announcing they give it another go before they end their session for today. It’s here that Harry notes that Louis had woken up and is just sitting there, looking at him, holding the ends of the blanket to his chest. Harry gestures to the board room until Louis gets it and stands up.

‘’Hey, can Louis enter and hear this?’’ Harry asks, knowing that Julian can hear him.

‘’Sure, H.’’ Julian opens the door and Harry sees Louis entering, shyly waving at the guys. He sees Tyler hand a set of headphones to Louis before he turns back to the three of them and gives them a thumbs-up.

Niall doesn’t have to play the guitar anymore, not when the music was recorded so they’re standing there, the three of them, sharing a piece of paper on the stand and start singing.

_//I think I'm gonna lose my mind  
Something deep inside me, I can't give up  
I think I'm gonna lose my mind  
I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck  
Yeah, I roll and I roll 'til I'm out of luck_

_I'm feeling something deep inside  
Hotter than a jet stream burning up  
I got a feeling deep inside  
It's taking, it's taking all I got  
Yeah, it's taking, it's taking all I got//_

Harry looks up and sees Louis bopping his head, blanket still wrapped around his shoulders. He then looks up and smiles at him. Harry sings the chorus looking straight at Louis, harmonizing with Zayn.

_//'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do  
And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do  
It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe you are fireproof  
'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do//_

………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Can you sleep over tonight?’’ Louis asks when they get into the car. ''Instead of just staying for a few hours?''

He looks sleepy tired but happy at the same time. Harry just wants to continue being in his orbit.

‘’Yeah, okay.’’ Harry says before he reaches over for Louis’ hand and entangles their fingers over the console. ‘’I’d like that.’’

‘’I loved hearing you sing, Haz.’’ Louis tells him, face tilted towards him. ‘’Loved that song.’’

Harry knows he’s known for giving his all when the band performs. He talks about it on air, said something about always giving a 110% on stage when he had a massive fall that one time on US soil. There is nothing he loves more about his job than doing a live performance, singing until his chest is aching, hearing the crowd sing their songs back at them, looking at the boys like they still can’t believe it all.

But singing in the studio tonight, with Louis looking at him through the glass, eyes sparking like moonlight above the ocean, was different. Every time he sings on stage, he sings to an audience, whether it’s to a big crowd in some pub or a massive crowd in some stadium, there’s always a sea of people, dying to catch his eyes. He tries to make it special for every single individual, tries to make somebody’s day whether by instigating a sing-along ‘’happy birthday’’ or just asking them how they are. But tonight, it’s Louis who caught his eyes. It’s Louis who made him feel warm inside and it’s Louis who made his day.

He sang in that studio to one individual and one individual only, a fire building in his chest. Gone were Julian, Zayn, Niall, Tyler, Jamie, gone was everyone who shared the room with them. They pale in comparison to Louis’ presence, to Louis’ piercing eyes, to Louis who hugged him something fierce when he left the recording booth and gushed about how amazing the song was, who complemented Zayn and Niall in a way that was refreshing and vibrant. It was made even more special when the boys texted him later and told him that Louis was a keeper and he agrees.

Louis didn’t act like some super fan who wanted to say just about anything to impress them. No, he gave some sound words of encouragement, gushed about his favourite lines in the song, spoke about the melody and not how hot they looked blending together or how sexy their voices sound. Niall was quick to dismiss it, saying they had better songs but Louis just shrugged and said he hadn’t heard anything from them yet, which made Harry remember to give Louis two copies of their previous albums.

‘’Shit, I forgot to get them to sign the albums.’’ Harry winces. He wants to massively bang his head on the steering wheel.

‘’No, it’s alright.’’ Louis chuckles. ‘’I’m sure Liam will still be happy.’’

‘’I bet he already has his own copy.’’

‘’Yeah but not one that Zayn or Niall touched, yes?’’

‘’That big a deal?’’

‘’You have no idea.’’ Louis laughs again before he stifles a yawn.

‘’You tired, baby?’’ Harry asks.

‘’I love it when you call me that.’’ Louis muses, head titling back to look at him.

Harry blushes. ‘’It just slips sometimes.’’

‘’You used to call me that all the time.’’ Louis says. ‘’You don’t remember?’’

Harry does remember now that Louis mentions it but he doesn’t want a repeat of the past. He wants to build something better, something that will last this time. He still wants to call Louis his baby though and is glad that Louis doesn’t mind.

‘’I remember.’’ Harry confirms.

‘’It was nice.’’

‘’Lou?’’

‘’Yeah, Haz?’’

Harry thinks carefully before he talks. ‘’Do you think if I never left for Leeds, we’d still be together?’’

‘’If you never left for Leeds, you might have never gotten your big break.’’

‘’But would we have still been together?’’

‘’No.’’ Louis says and it’s a bit of a shock hearing him saying it with such firmness.

‘’How come?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Because I would have skipped town all the same,’’ Louis explain, head titled the other way now, like he doesn’t want Harry to catch his eyes. ‘’Because even if I had my phone on me, I wouldn’t have been able to answer your calls anyways.’’

Harry arrives at Louis’ building but doesn’t get out immediately after he stops the car.

‘’Why do you say that?’’ Harry asks and hates that his voice is unsteady. ‘’You sound like we were doomed from the start, whether or not there were circumstances.’’

‘’Relationships born out of school don’t last, H.’’ Louis says, looking back at him. ‘’It was puppy love, not marriage material.’’

‘’I’m not talking about marriage, I’m talking about other things.’’

‘’Like what?’’

‘’I don’t know,’’ Harry blushes. ‘’Like, maybe going to uni together, moving in together in one apartment, stuff like that. We could’ve worked it out.’’

‘’You liked me that much?’’ Louis teases but Harry is being serious.

‘’I loved you that much.’’ He says.

Parked there in the street, with nothing but street lamps and the sound of stray cats in the air, Louis flounder for words and finds none.

‘’Oh,’’

‘’And I think if you gave me the chance, we would have worked things out, even if I were in Sweden recording my first album and you were still back in our home town. I loved you that much, Lou.’’ Harry repeats. ‘’It kills me sometimes, not knowing what happened to us and even now that I know, it doesn’t change the fact that I did spend a significant amount of time wondering what could’ve been, worried that fame might’ve changed me and that if we ever meet again, I wouldn’t be someone you want around, you know?’’

‘’Haz…’’

‘’Because I know you loved me back then, Lou. I know you did.’’ Harry interrupts. ‘’I know that half the time you didn’t understand what a popular guy was doing hanging out with a nerdy kid, and I say that but I resent that word. I prefer smart and intelligent.’’

''I did love our dates back then,'' Louis smiles, eyes watery.

‘’You know, these past few days,’’ Harry continues. ‘’I second-guessed every action of mine, wondering if I’ve become incredibly posh or something, if I’m not the same and maybe you think of me differently now and…’’

‘’I do think of you differently.’’ Louis interrupts softly and Harry feels his heart breaking.

‘’What?’’

‘’I think you grew up to be a better person.’’ Louis explains. His tone is even and unhurried. ‘’I don’t know much about the music business or the industry but I hear Liam talking about celebrities all the time and you’ve not let it swallow you up. You’ve kept your head together and you came out just fine, more than fine. You’re so kind, H and you’re lovelier than ever.’’ Louis undoes his seat-belt and reaches for Harry’s face, kissing him. Harry catches his waist just in time, the seat-belt digging into his chest.

‘’I’m sorry I made you nervous and hesitant around me.’’ Louis says into his lips. ‘’I’m sorry about the past but I’m here now.’’ Louis pulls his face away. ‘’I’m here and I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’’

‘’You don’t have to do that…’’

‘’I want to,’’ Louis says, biting his lip. ‘’I really, really want to…’’

‘’Can we go upstairs now?’’ Harry asks, noting the darkening in Louis’ eyes, the lust…the desire.

‘’Yes, please.’’ Louis grins and pecks him quickly before he steps out of the car.

Harry has to adjust himself before he follows his boy.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’Are you hungry?’’ Louis asks when he unlocks the door. Harry had insisted to carry his things which he notes are quite heavy. He takes them now and leaves them on the arm chair in the living room.

‘’No, not really.’’ Harry says. He wants to tell Louis that he’s hungry for him and is dying for a taste.

It must be clear in his eyes though and the way that Louis slowly reaches for his hands indicate that he knows.

‘’Can I take a shower first?’’ he asks. ‘’And you can get comfy in my bedroom? Is that okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry says but he can’t help himself as he reaches for a kiss. Louis reciprocates and tugs at his hair, deepening the kiss.

‘’Love kissing you,’’ Harry whispers into his mouth, hands snaking around Louis’ waist. ‘’Love your lips, your mouth…’’

Louis groans when Harry slips his tongue in but quickly pushes him away.

‘’Liam is out tonight.’’ He says raggedly. ‘’Staying at his girlfriend’s place.’’

‘’So we can have a repeat of last night, yes?’’ Harry smirks.

Louis licks his lips. ‘’You really want that?’’

‘’I’m not going anywhere.’’

‘’H…’’

‘’Yeah, babe?’’ Harry watches, fascinated as Louis’ face turns warm and luscious red when he calls him that.

‘’You’re not into some kinky shit, are you?’’ Louis blurts out, hands almost squeezing his fingers where he’s tugged at them, like he needed an anchor to hold unto.

‘’Nope,’’ Harry cannot help but chuckle at the suddenness of the question. ‘’Are you?’’

‘’Not really,’’ Louis shakes his head, blush rising high atop his cheeks. ‘’I just…I’ve slept with people and I know you can’t have been single this whole time and…people have preferences in bed and….’’

‘’I want you to be comfortable.’’ Harry interrupts, suddenly worried about why Louis is getting all worked up. ‘’That’s all that matters. If you want us to just sleep and cuddle tonight, that’s fine by me too.’’

‘’No,’’ Louis shakes his head, breathing ragged. ‘’No, I want you to fuck me.’’

‘’Jesus!’’ Harry feels sizzling heat pooling down his groin.

‘’It’s just…I like to keep the lights off when…you know.’’

‘’Sure, I’m fine with that.’’ Harry nods.

‘’And like, my clothes on.’’ Louis stutters. ‘’I want to keep my clothes on. Is that…’’

‘’Lou, anything you want.’’ Harry interrupts again, more gently this time. ‘’Has it been a while? Is that why you’re worried?’’

‘’No, it’s just you.’’ Louis admits. ‘’Don’t want to disappoint you more than you already are.’’

‘’Wow, where did that come from?’’ Harry takes a step back, almost colliding with the door behind him.

‘’Haz, c’mon…’’

‘’No, you c’mon.’’ Harry says fiercely. ‘’If you’re using sex as some bargaining tool to compensate for something then I’m not doing it.’’

‘’But you’re mad at me.’’ Louis says plainly.

‘’For what?’’ Harry almost yells at the absurdity coming out of Louis’ mouth. ‘’The past is the past, Lou. I’m not blaming you for it!’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis’ eyes light up with understanding. ‘’Really?’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry steps back into his space slowly and gently hugs him to his chest. ‘’You’re ridiculous.’’

‘’I am?’’

‘’Yeah, you are. I can’t care about the past all that much when I have you right here with me. And if you think I’m lovelier now than I was before then you don’t want to know what’s going on in my head when I think about you in that regard.’’

‘’But now I’m curious,’’ Louis pouts, looking up at him with lovely lips, head cushioned on his shoulder. ‘’Tell me.’’

‘’I think you’re cuter now than you were before.’’ Harry admits. ‘’and sexier…’’

‘’Yeah okay, that’s not true.’’ Louis hides his face into his throat.

‘’It’s true.’’ Harry says with delight. ‘’You’re even smarter which is unbelievable because you were already smart then and you’re friendlier too. I saw how you talked to the boys tonight and I remember the boy who used to just wave at the footie team back in school, who walked one step behind me even though half of them were my friends.’’

‘’They were really loud and boisterous.’’ Louis whines into his chest. ‘’And really intimidating.’’

‘’It’s not what I remember about them,’’ Harry continues, arms wrapped around Louis’ back and rocking them gently.

‘’What? Forgot your friends? Forgot Ryan who stole your girlfriend when you were 15?’’ Louis looks at him through his fringe.

‘’No, I remember how much they liked you and how much that made me jealous. Ryan actually had a thing for your laugh. Said it was really endearing.’’

‘’Wait, seriously?’’ Its adorable how comically wide his eyes are, as if Louis’ laugh isn’t one of his favourite things about him.

‘’Yeah, babe. It’s ridiculous how endearing you are.’’

‘’You are so embarrassing.’’ Louis tells him plainly.

‘’Your hairstyle back then is not as hot as it is now either. I like this ruggedly-handsome look you got going on.’’

‘’Are you quite finished?’’

‘’What, you asked for this!’’

‘’And I got your point.’’ Louis huffs before he curves his lips. ‘’You like me.’’

‘’Way too much.’’ Harry pecks his lips. ‘’Still tired?’’

‘’Yeah, but…’’

‘’Then I suggest we sleep and cuddle.’’ Harry says firmly. ‘’Sex can wait. I’m in no rush.’’

‘’You sure? We have the apartment to ourselves.’’

‘’I’m sure.’’ Harry says, kissing him again. ‘’I can honestly just kiss you all night and baby, it will be enough.’’

Louis’ blush is back and he ducks his head to try and hide it.

‘’Okay then.’’ Louis says and then tugs at Harry’s hand, leading him to the bedroom.

It’s quite small and doesn’t really have a lot of room. The bed is by the wall, the blankets messy and slept in. The desk next to it is filled with papers and books atop of books. The chair tucked into the desk is overflowing with rolls of blue paper, precariously standing and Louis puts his bag on the chair now, as if making sure they don’t topple over and hangs his cylindrical bag on the arm of the chair. His closet is open but it has no doors, just a curtain and it’s perpendicular to the desk. Next to it is a hamper so that both occupy the entire wall. That’s how small the room is. At the foot of Louis’ bed are pairs of shoes and in front of the desk is a carpet that looks frayed and worn. Harry feels a little bit boxed in and is glad that the room has a window at the end of Louis’ bed, which Louis opens now, airing the room.

‘’It’s cramped in here, yeah?’’ Louis says apologetically.

‘’No, it’s alright. At least you got your own room. My friends from back home in Cheshire have those dorm rooms and they have to share the space.’’ Harry says.

‘’Yeah, that’s not really great.’’ Louis then rifles through his closet and gets out a baggy t-shirt and basketball shorts. ‘’I think these will fit you, yeah?’’

‘’Oh thanks.’’

Harry watches as Louis goes back to his closet and gets out a pair of Pyjamas.

‘’I’ll go take a shower. Do you want one after me?’’

‘’No, it’s alright. You go ahead.’’

Louis kisses his cheek and then passes him. The bathroom is opposite Louis’ room, right across the hall. When Louis shuts the door, Harry can hear him moving around. So, Harry closes the bedroom door and starts undressing.

He wonders about Louis’ past sexual encounters and why he got worked up about their bed experiences. Liam said that Louis had been single for as long as he’s known him so that only means that Louis has had one night stands. Maybe that’s why he’s hesitant about sleeping with Harry because maybe he doesn’t want Harry to be a one night stand. Harry doesn’t want that either.

The clothes Louis gave him are well worn. Though they’re clean, they smell like Louis; like boy and a hint of Yorkshire tea and Louis’ lavender-scented fabric softener, which he'd seen in the bathroom before. It’s nice and soothing and familiar.

He looks around the room and realizes that Louis has no posters, no picture frames and no photos hanging on the walls. It’s hard to think about the fact that he’s probably dating a boy who has no affiliations with music but then he looks at Louis’ stacks of books and understands how one can get so caught up with academic life to notice anything else. The books look heavy, the bulky type and there are even more under the desk. When Harry takes a closer look, his foot collides with something and when he looks under him, he notices that the entire area under the bed is stacked with books.

‘’Wow,’’ Harry cannot help but say out loud.

‘’No room for condoms down there.’’

Harry snaps his head up and sees Louis smiling at him. He's got a towel wrapped around his shoulders, his hair dripping wet. He's wearing a flannel-style pair of a long-sleeved pyjama shirt and its matching pyjama trousers, decked in hues of purple. The colour is faded from multiple wash and there are a couple of holes on the sleeves and hem but it looks incredibly soft on Louis.

‘’Who keeps condoms under the bed?’’

‘’Most people do, H.’’ Louis drawls before he towel dries his hair until it’s sticking up in every direction and then he finger combs it into submission.

‘’That’s unsanitary.’’ Harry argues. ‘’The only thing I keep under my bed is a bottle of lube. Condoms are best kept in a bed-side drawer or something.’’

‘’Or something.’’ Harry can hear Louis’ grin where he’s dropping his clothes of the day and the towel in the hamper. ‘’There’s none of that in here, I’m afraid.’’

‘’What? No condoms, no lube?’’ Harry says over-exaggerated.

‘’No,’’ Louis whines as he gets into bed, lying down between Harry and the wall. ‘’I meant no bed-side table drawer, you idiot.’’

‘’Ah right,’’

‘’Are you getting in or what?’’ Louis says, kicking off the blankets. It’s not that cold yet but there’s an autumn breeze in the air. Still, Harry runs hot so he’s glad that Louis’ refusing the blanket too.

‘’Yes, yes my dear.’’ Harry lies down and gathers Louis into his chest like it’s the most natural thing in the world. ‘’This is nice.’’

‘’You comfy?’’

‘’Very comfy,’’ Harry pulls Louis’ leg by the knee so that it’s astride his waist. He keeps his hand there, the other one around Louis’ waist, palm resting on Louis’ hip. ‘’This okay?’’

‘’More than okay,’’ Louis burrows his head into his chest. ‘’You have work tomorrow?’’

‘’Nothing in the morning. You?’’

‘’Texted work and asked for a day off.’’ Louis yawns into his chest. ‘’Wanted to sleep in with you.’’

The words make Harry feel warm. He rests his lips on Louis’ wet hair and gathers him for a kiss before he lets go.

‘’I’m gonna make you breakfast in bed in the morning and you’re not gonna fight me on it. Okay?’’

He hears Louis’ tinkering laugh and Ryan can just fuck off because now it belongs to him.

‘’Okay, H.’’ Louis pecks his chest before he lays his cheek on it. ‘’Good night.’’

‘’Good night, baby.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

He’s preparing breakfast in the morning when Liam enters the kitchen.

‘’Oh, you’re here.’’

‘’Hi Liam.’’ Harry greets him. ‘’You want some pancakes?’’

‘’Uh, sure.’’ Liam goes for the kettle and starts preparing his coffee. It’s silent between them for a while until Harry notices that Liam is observing him.

‘’What?’’

‘’You and Louis, huh?’’

‘’What about us?’’

‘’He told me you guys are trying the whole dating thing.’’

‘’Well, I’m not trying. I want it but we’re taking it slow.’’

‘’Hey, I’m all for it.’’ Liam defends. ‘’I even helped him pick his outfit when he went to your place, remember?’’

‘’Oh yeah, thanks for that.’’ Harry says as he plates the pancakes and starts on the bacon. He actually woke up really early and searched online for the nearest grocery store before calling and placing an order, noting how empty Louis’ fridge was. He’d only managed not to get caught because he told the delivery guy to leave everything by the door. All the delivery kid saw was a hand extending towards him from behind the door with the money and a ridiculous tip to compensate for why he was hiding his face. Now, it’s all worth it.

‘’Just…um,’’ Liam starts.

‘’What?’’

‘’I don’t know; be careful, I guess?’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Louis, man…he’s not really into steady relationships, not that he doesn’t want that.’’ Liam says quickly. ‘’It’s just, no one's ever slept over before, like he doesn’t even bring his one-night stands here, prefers to go to their place and he always comes back doing the whole walk of shame thing. I’m not saying he’s a slag but I think he uses sex as a means to di-stress. You know what I mean?’’

‘’So dating me is something new for him?’’ Harry checks.

‘’Yeah but you’re not just anyone. Louis told me you were a serious item back in school?’’

‘’We really were.’’ Harry confirms. ‘’Before I made it big after a festival show and then I assumed he went off to uni and I got too busy after that.’’

‘’Yeah but I think you’re good for him. He needs someone steady in his life and I can tell you’re becoming the exception. He doesn’t ever take time off of work for just anyone, always studying, always working. It’s a nice change of pace.’’

‘’What? He doesn’t party?’’

‘’He does but it’s different seeing him put effort into a relationship instead of leaving with the first guy he sees on the dance floor, you know? He hasn’t gone to a night club since you guys reconnected.’’

‘’You know, you’re making me worried here.’’ Harry admits. He knows that Louis isn’t the cheating kind but he wants to last with Louis, wants to be the definite exception. He just hopes that Louis’ tendencies to sleep around don’t come into play in what Harry deems is an exclusive relationship.

‘’No, don’t worry about it. I’ll bet you that Louis is quite monogamous. I don’t think he even sleeps around with the same guy twice and I think you’ve made quite an impression on him. He seems happier lately.’’ Liam assures him.

‘’Really?’’

‘’Look, I’m not telling you any of this to try and scare you. I just think you need to give him some slack, you know? You may be a familiar face from his past but this is all new to him.’’

‘’Yeah, I hear you.’’

‘’And I do hope you don’t break his heart.’’ Liam says sternly. ‘’I’ve read about you and your band-mates in the papers so it doesn’t surprise me that you and Louis are quite similar.’’

‘’Not everything you read in the papers is true.’’ Harry defends himself. Sure, he loves sex but all his relationships with his partners had been mutual and had ended mutually, with no hard feelings. They were never drunken encounters and he never cheated on anyone. No, he’s taken his partners on dates, got to know them and even after a round of sex or two, after deciding to just remain friends, he doesn’t go off and jump the next person he sees. All his past partners, they were all industry people and knew the hang-ups of dating someone who was never in one place long enough to build a relationship, not when said partner had a similar career.

Harry has also dated normal people and those relationships fizzled out smoothly and with no hard feelings either. Sure, those came with NDAs and no mentions in the papers but he’s written songs about sex and love because he’s open about them. Harry is sure he’s broken a heart or two but they were never intentional just as he chooses to believe that those who broke his heart held no malice or ill-will towards him.

‘’Oh yeah? I don’t know you. I know Louis but you’re practically a stranger and a pop star at that so excuse me for a being a little bit over protective.’’ Liam says. There’s a hint in his tone of the Liam he’d first met back at the café.

‘’And I’m glad you’re on Louis’ side and really, I’m not offended.’’ Harry placates. ‘’You have every right to be over-protective and also every right to bite my head off if I ever do something wrong by him but I promise you, I’ll try my best to make this work and who knows? We may end up better as friends but either way, for now, I’m into him, like really into him and I plan on staying in his life for the foreseeable future. Okay?’’

‘’Okay then.’’ Liam nods his head. ‘’Now, I think the bacon is burning.’’

Harry turns towards the stove and sees that the bacon is way crispier than he intended it to be.

‘’Fuck,’’ he immediately turns off the fire and plates a couple of charcoaled pieces of bacon on a platter. ‘’Thanks for the heads-up.’’

‘’You’re most welcome.’’ Liam smirks.

Harry just shakes his head at him and starts cooking another batch.

……………………………………………………………………………………

He carries everything on a tray and brings it to bed, sees that Louis is already awake, sitting up and scrolling through his phone.

‘’Good morning,’’ Harry greets.

‘’Hey, love.’’ Louis says, voice raspy from sleep. ‘’Went to the bathroom and heard you and Liam talking. Thought I’d wait for you here.’’

‘’Well, am glad you did.’’ Harry says as he lays the tray over Louis’ lap.

‘’You’re ridiculous.’’ Louis sighs as he awes at the spread. ‘’Join me.’’

Harry sits up next to him and wraps an arm around Louis’ neck, drawing him for a kiss. ‘’I hope you like it.’’

‘’Well, you cooked it so of course I’d like it.’’ Louis says. He then picks up a fork and hands it to Harry before he picks up another. It’s very domestic, something that has always been a turn on for Harry. Even with the dates that had stayed over at his place, he liked to make breakfast in bed for them. Maybe he came on too strong with that move but with Louis, he doesn’t feel like he’d made a mistake or overwhelmed him. Louis always seems to have a good appetite with him and he likes that, likes feeding his boy.

‘’I actually burned the first batch.’’ Harry tells him when Louis feeds him the last slice of bacon. He bites off a piece so that Louis can have the other half. ‘’Gave it to Liam.’’

‘’He distracted your cooking? How rude.’’ Louis pouts before he sets his fork down and picks up his cup of tea. Harry doesn’t mind eating one-handed so long as he keeps holding Louis. He finishes his plate quickly, puts the tray on the floor and picks up his coffee, returning his arm around Louis.

‘’Yeah, told me some stuff.’’

‘’About me sleeping around with strangers?’’

‘’Nothing wrong with that.’’ Harry says quickly. ‘’As long as you’re careful and all.’’

‘’Yup,’’ Louis says, something in his face shutting down.

‘’Hey, I’m really not mad at him for telling me.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’So long as we’re exclusive about this which I know we are. Right?’’

‘’You really aren’t upset?’’ Louis asks.

‘’No, I’m not.’’

‘’I just need to di-stress sometimes, that’s all.’’

‘’And I know I’m asking a lot.’’ Harry says, thinking of when he’ll leave for tour, leave Louis behind. ‘’But I want us to work it out this time, you know?’’

‘’Have you done a long distance relationship before?’’

‘’No,’’ Harry answers honestly. ‘’But it can’t be different from calling my mum or my sister and keeping up with them. It means including you in that circle of importance.’’

‘’Well, you don’t have to worry about a thing.’’ Louis assures him. ‘’This way, I don’t have to go out partying anymore. I can just come home and distract myself from your absence with my books.’’

‘’Yeah? You’ll send me your report cards?’’

‘’I’m a straight A student, I’ll have you know.’’ Louis turns his nose at him. ‘’You’re looking at a future engineer, mister so you better watch it.’’

‘’You’ll be great.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’But don’t stop yourself from partying out with your friends. I don’t want that.’’

‘’No, I know what you mean.’’ Louis pats his thigh. ‘’This way, Liam can worry less about me. He gets into mama-bear mode a lot.’’

‘’It’s sweet, having a friend like that.’’ Harry says as he sets his empty mug atop of one of Louis’ books.

‘’Sometimes it feels like he’s all I got.’’ Louis says quietly.

‘’Why’s that?’’

‘’No mum, no real dad.’’ Louis shrugs, eyes down. ‘’No brothers, no sisters. No time for other friends, real friends…’’

‘’But I’m here now.’’ Harry reminds him, thoughts swirling with the hint that Louis’ dad hasn’t changed all that much.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis smiles and Harry is glad to distract him.

‘’So, we’re good, yeah? We’ll make this work?’’

‘’Definitely...’’ Louis bites his lower lip before he moves one leg over Harry until he’s sitting on his lap. He finishes his tea and puts it next to Harry’s mug. ‘’We can definitely work on that now.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Harry looks behind Louis and checks that he’d closed the door.

‘’Hey, look at me.’’ Louis pouts and starts grinding on him. ‘’Is the door more important than me?’’

‘’Damn it.’’ Harry gasps. He’s immediately turned on and Louis looks so fucking good, it’s leaving him wanting. He quickly turns them around, Louis landing on his back with a yelp and Harry quickly starts rutting against him.

‘’Can I touch you? Please?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Kiss me first.’’ Louis demands.

Harry obliges but while he’s tonguing Louis’ mouth open, he’s also kicking his legs aside to make room for himself between his thighs, gripping his legs one by one to wrap them around his torso before he boxes Louis’ head in and kisses him deeper.

They get lost in it for a while. Harry loses himself in Louis’ moans which get louder and hotter the more Harry ruts against him, making him hard.

‘’I want to touch you now.’’ Harry gasps, already out of breath.

‘’Me first.’’ Louis turns them over and starts shimmying down the length of Harry’s body. ‘’Want a taste.’’

‘’Fuck,’’ Harry sits up when he sees Louis palming him through his shorts. ‘’You are so hot.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Louis says before he pulls Harry’s shorts down, just below his balls and licks his hand before he starts pumping him. ‘’How about now?’’

‘’Fuck…Louis.’’ Harry’s chest is heaving and he feels like he’s about to combust.

‘’You’re so big.’’ Louis says, hand small around his dick which…fuck. Harry nearly whites out when Louis opens his mouth wide and takes him in.

‘’Ah!’’ it’s almost too much to look at him but at the same time, he can’t look away, can’t stop his hands from reaching for Louis’ head. He leaves it resting there, feeling the way Louis bops up and down on his dick, cheeks bulging and throat vibrating against his member.

‘’You take me so well, Lou. You’re amazing. So fucking hot.’’

Louis moans before he frees mouth, licking the underside of Harry’s hard dick. ‘’Come inside my mouth, want to taste you.’’

‘’Fuck,’’ Harry watches as Louis swallows him up again and he keeps swallowing and swallowing, trying to get him deeper until he gags and coughs but he just goes back at it.

''Baby, slow down...'' Harry says, caressing Louis' cheeks. When Louis looks up at him, his eyes are teary, like sparkling gems. Between one minute and the next, Harry loses it suddenly and comes.

‘’Oh shit, shit…oh fuck, Lou. I can’t believe you. Fuck.’’ Harry blabbers until it feels like Louis had sucked him dry. When he looks down, Louis is giving his balls these kitten licks, like he’s cleaning him up. ''Baby...''

Louis moans, rutting against the bed.

‘’Can I come? Please?’’ Louis begs which is ridiculous.

‘’Of course, babe. C’mere.’’ Harry hauls him up by his armpits and gets on top of him again.

‘’Don’t take my clothes off.’’ Louis demands urgently, catching his wrist where he was about to pull Louis’ pants down.

‘’But…’’

‘’I’m so close, already, just rut against me.’’ Louis explains as he grabs his arse. He pulls at him and Harry is so down with that, wants Louis to come too.

‘’Yeah baby, okay.’’ He says in a rush. He starts grinding down hard, rutting fast against Louis’ hard dick, pulling these insanely sexy noises out of his mouth. He chooses that moment to lick Louis’ tongue and taste himself. It makes him groan and eager as he swallows Louis’ noises which just get louder and louder. Harry shifts to his neck when Louis’ eyes shut tighter and his head rolls back, displaying an expanse of tan skin. Harry pounces, almost sinks his teeth in at the underside of Louis’ jaw.

‘’Haz…’’

‘’Come for me, baby, c’mon.’’ Harry ruts and ruts, gets one hand free and starts rubbing Louis’ nipple through his shirt. While marking Louis’ neck up, he feels Louis go taut at his touch, until Louis’ head tilts back hard and he comes.

He feels a patch of wetness under his soft dick and when he looks down, Louis’ pyjama pants are darker in his crotch area.

‘’That was….’’ Louis exhales raggedly. ‘’…Intense…’’

‘’Come here.’’ Harry tilts his head down and kisses the breath out of Louis. He swallows his kitten moans and his exhales until his lips are all swollen and bruised again.

‘’You have a thing for my lips.’’ Louis says, opening his eyes and looking starry-like at him.

‘’They’re really addicting.’’ Harry says, caressing Louis’ cheek. ‘’I honestly cannot get enough of you.’’

‘’Well, you’re lucky it’s mutual.’’ Louis says, smiling his dazzling smile.


	5. Night Club

_I want to let all my defenses down_   
_Scream until you hear me out_   
_I'll lay it on the line for you_

-Niall Horan, San Francisco

Time passes in a blur of dates and hanging out in the studio, of watching Louis do his course work while catching his eyes as he sings. Louis doesn’t get in anybody's way when he's with him at work. Though Harry appreciates him not wanting to bother anyone, he also wishes that Louis would come over and sit next to him while they're writing or even enter the board room without being prompted when it's obvious he's dying to hear them sing.

They see each other every day and Harry loves everything about it. He loves driving Louis to his lectures when he sleeps over, loves cooking for Louis, loves catching his eyes when he’s in the studio and Louis goes far and beyond to make him happy. He always brings him pastries from the bakery, tells him about the movies he’d missed out on throughout the year and cuddles him tight when he’d realized that Harry likes being the little spoon.

Sometimes he does things that Harry didn’t think he’d remember, words said in between conversations, casual stuff and then Louis surprises him. It’s in the little things, like when Louis would invite him over and turn on Netflix to a series that Harry had been dying to watch. He’d go to his place and surprise him with vintage shirts from a thrift store because he knows how much Harry likes them. It comes to the point where there are little trinkets around his house from Louis, things he’d mentioned randomly, tucked between snogs and late-night ramblings and Louis brings proof of him remembering every single thing he’s ever said.

Nearing almost one month and a half later, they've already argued a couple of times. Harry hates it but he feels put off when Louis gets too engrossed in his assignments or when he doesn't reply to his texts. He doesn’t want to feel clingy and he doesn’t want to be an extra burden but then it happens one too many times and next thing he knows, he tells Louis one comment about how impossible it is for uni to be this hard and all hell breaks loose.

Louis was quick to get mad and even quicker to leave his house. The radio silence all throughout the night was unbearable and Harry felt like an idiot, a proper clingy and burdensome idiot.

They made up when Harry showed up the next day with a huge bouquet of sunflowers and a box of chocolates...

''I'm sorry,'' he says the moment Louis opens the door. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, like he'd cried all night. ''I'm so sorry. I should've been more understanding. I'm sorry, Lou.''

''What did you expect when you said that, Harry?'' Louis asks him. It hurts, being called Harry after almost two months of ''Haz'' and ''love'' coming from Louis' mouth. ''What? Did you think partying and smoking pot was all we did? That’s not uni life, lad. I have mid-terms coming up and quizzes and...''

''I know, I know, I'm sorry. I was a proper twat.'' Harry says, aware that Louis didn't let him enter the apartment yet. ''It’s just...''

''What?'' Louis says warily.

''The album is almost finished.'' Harry says. ''And soon it will be promo season and I won't have enough time like I do now and I just...''

''Didn't we agree that we'll cross that bridge when we get there?'' Louis asks softly. ''If you're gonna freak out now about this, then we might as well cut this whole thing off right now and...''

''No, no, no, don't do that.'' Harry is this close to getting on his knees because honestly, fuck this insecurity. ''Please, Lou. Don't do that to me. I'll be better, okay? I won't be too hard on you. I'm sorry.''

Louis must notice that he's on the verge of falling apart so he takes the flowers and the chocolate from his shaking hands and sniffs at the flowers.

''These smell good.'' he says, voice quiet. ''How did you know they were my favourite?''

''I asked Liam.'' Harry says sheepishly.

''You texted him last night?''

''Yeah, I couldn't sleep.'' Harry shrugs helplessly. ''I was so mad at myself.''

''I couldn't sleep either.'' Louis admits. ''Come in.''

He follows Louis inside and closes the door. Louis puts the flowers and the chocolates on the kitchen counter and Harry stands next to him, waiting for his next move.

But Louis just hugs him, burrows into his chest. Harry is quick to hug him back and he breathes easy, having Louis back in his arms.

''I can't believe we just had our first fight.'' Louis mumbles into his chest.

''Yeah, let's not do that again.'' Harry says.

.....................................................................................................................

The second time they fight is because Louis insists on bringing him to a proper night-out and Harry laughs it off.

''What? You think I can't afford it?'' Louis asks. Harry's sleeping over at his apartment after a date night of Netflix and take-away pizza when Louis brings up the topic.

''No, it’s not that but I mean, c’mon Lou.'' Harry says and is surprised when Louis shrugs off his arm from around his shoulder.

''C'mon Lou what?''

''Lou, I have a lot of money.'' Harry states plainly. '’So just leave the dates to me, yeah?''

''Wow, you're a jerk.'' Louis says, looking at him like he's seeing someone else. ''What, because I'm just a uni student working two jobs and suddenly I can't afford to take you on dates? You bring me to these exclusive, super private, super VIP places and suddenly you think you're better than me?''

''That's not what I said!'' Harry exclaims.

Louis scoffs before he gets up from the sofa. Harry follows him to the kitchen where Louis dumps the empty box of pizza into the bin before he whirls at him.

''Not what you said but what you implied!''

''No, Lou! What the fuck are you talking about?''

''I want to take you on a date!'' Louis says, stressing each word. ''Now, tell me what's wrong with that, hmm? Anything wrong with me wanting to take you on a date that I actually pay for?''

''Nothing wrong with that, baby...''

''Don't you fucking 'baby' me!'' Louis warns. ''Just answer the damn question.''

''Fine, but where the fuck can we go, Lou?'' Harry yells. ''You don't want to go public with me and I'm fine with that because we're still just dating, still just taking it slow but where can we go? I have paps that know my house! I have paps that know my mother's house so where can we go? Where the fuck can you wine and dine me without it turning into a fucking shit show of my life fucking plastered all over the rags the very next day, huh?''

''You don’t think I know that?'' Louis yells back at him. ''Did it not occur to you that maybe I have thought about it through and through? Did you not think I cared enough about you to know what to do?''

''Fine! Tell me your grand plan of a fucking date!''

''I was going to take you clubbing, you asshole!'' Louis yells again. ''I arranged it with Niall and Zayn and even Liam. If we were hanging out in a group outing, in one of those exclusive night clubs, then nobody will bother us. Tongue-tied yet?''

''You...talked to the boys?''

''Yeah, I fucking did.'' Louis says; his eyes ablaze. ''And I'm not just talking about you shrugging my plans off. I'm talking about the money too. You fucking paid for the pizza tonight, Haz! Like…what the fuck? I work, I make money too. I can pay for a bloody pizza!''

Harry honestly wasn't aware it was such a big deal. He got used to it, got used to spoiling his mum, his sister. His friends from school even teased him about it, always quick to make sure he's the richest among them and though it’s said in jest, Harry never minds footing the bill whenever they have a reunion. He only ever splits the bill with his celebrity friends and Louis always orders the cheapest things on the menu. He didn't really buy Louis' reasoning that half the time he couldn't understand what the food items in the menu were about. Harry thought he was being an understanding date.

''Lou, I wasn't aware...I just...''

''Just what? Got used to belittling me?''

''No, how can you say that?''

''Look, I'm tired.'' Louis sighs, heel of his hand pressing against his eyes. ''I can feel a headache coming so can you leave, please?''

''Leave? We have a date, Lou.''

''Well, its fucking ruined, Harry!''

''Why is everything always my fault?''

''Because it is! Are you for real right now?''

''Louis, I am not leaving until we hash this shit out!''

''Fine, you can sleep in the fucking sofa for all I care!''

Louis just pushes past him and heads for his room. Harry follows him only to have the door slammed right in his face.

''Fine! I'm sleeping over until you come out here and talk! You hear me?''

''Fine!''

''Fine!''

……………………………………………………………………………………..

They make up the next morning. Harry agrees that he's once again been an idiot and Louis agrees that maybe he should have said something earlier and not after almost seven or eight consecutive dates of letting Harry pay.

They do go out clubbing with Zayn who brings Gigi and Niall who brings Hailee. Louis brings Liam who also brings Sophia. They meet up in Harry's place first and Liam proceeds to lose his complete and utter shit in front of Zayn and Niall. If not for Sophia and Louis telling him off and advising him rather loudly to keep his marbles together, Liam would have been totally useless, just gawking at his idols and making them uncomfortable.

They call for Ubers and head for the VIP night club that Niall had recommended and it's a fun night. Nobody bats an eyelash when Harry grabs Louis and seats him on his lap. After all, everybody around them is working in the industry and their own security is around the place to make sure to confiscate any camera or photos taken of them from any outsider or sneaky reporter.

''I can't believe you did this for me.'' Harry whispers into Louis' ear. The music is loud but they're sitting in a booth away from the loud dance floor, sharing drinks and stories to get them buzzing first. ''I didn't even know you talked to Niall.''

''Well, he was amiable so lucky me,'' Louis says before he takes a long sip of his beer. It leaves Harry wanting, all that skin of his neck on display, throat moving, and Adam’s apple bopping as he swallows,.

''Baby, I want a taste.'' Harry tugs the bottle from his hand.

''You have your own beer,'' Louis whines.

''Not what I meant.'' Harry says before he reaches for Louis' jaws and starts kissing him.

''You two are just gross.'' Niall says, throwing an olive at them, making them move apart.

''Hey, don't be mean.'' Harry pouts, wrapping his arms around Louis' waist where he's sitting sideways on his lap.

‘’I asked you when you’re gonna start recording your solo stuff and you totally ignored me.’’ Niall says.

‘’I was busy.’’ Harry tells him and it makes his boy chuckle.

''Hey, let's dance.'' Said boy says before he gets up and shimmies out from around the table. ''C'mon, let’s dance, all of us. I like this song.''

''I like this one.'' Zayn whispers to Harry and Harry smirks at him before he lets Louis tug him to the dance floor, the boys and girls following behind them. Harry greets some friends he knows and maybe it's a blessing that Louis doesn’t know half of them or knows their music. He isn't one to place a song to a face either. On the other hand, Liam's eyes are wide and comical as he points out the people he probably has posters of on the walls of his bedroom.

''You think Liam is going to remember this night forever?'' Harry asks. He's glad that Louis took Liam aside and told him no photos are allowed or else it would have been a serious problem.

''Trust me; he'll probably be too drunk to remember in an hour.'' Louis shouts in his ear, the music too loud now that they're in the centre of the dance floor. ''Anyways, let's dance.''

So they do. The music is sultry and heavy and Harry keeps Louis close. He's not a great dancer but he knows how to show a partner a good time and Louis is no exception. The thing is, Louis knows how to work him up, turning around and twerking his arse against him before Harry pulls him up against his chest and grips his hour-glass waistline. Louis had dressed in what Harry thinks are his skinniest jeans and a tight white t-shirt, putting all his curves on display.

He loses himself in the feel of Louis, in the music vibrating at the soles of his feet, in the lavender scent of Louis when he presses his nose against the curve of his neck. Louis stares up at him under long eyelashes and reaches back with his hand, fingers scratching the hairs at his nape, making Harry tighten his arms around him.

He watches as Louis licks his lips and bites them. The alcohol takes effect and he feels his blood buzzing with energy, desire for Louis hitting a peak. Louis intertwines the fingers of his free hand with Harry's over his hip and tilts his head back. He’s demanding a kiss with just his body and Harry feels like he's on fire.

He crashes his lips against Louis’ and the mass of bodies around them, squeezing them and bumping into them, it all fades away.

He's only dated this boy for less than two months and yet this feeling he has of drowning in him, in knowing every move that makes him tick is ridiculous. They haven't even slept together, spent most of their sexual encounters either exchanging hand jobs through their pants or Louis giving him head. Harry gave him head too but Louis kept making sure to tug his shirt down and keep his pants up. Although Harry doesn’t know what's making him so shy, he doesn’t mind, not when just hanging out with him is this good and dancing with him is making him feel all sorts of alive, like he's high.

''Touch me,'' Louis demands when their lips part. Harry had slowly been grinding into him, feeling the curve of Louis' ass on his dick and maybe it was a mistake, choosing to wear his ripped, skinny white jeans because he can feel a bulge growing. It’s getting tight down there.

''Where, baby?''

''Right here,'' Louis keeps looking at his eyes while simultaneously bringing their joined hands down. He then spreads Harry's fingers over his clothed dick and maneuvers his fingers to cup him.

''Fuck,'' Harry curses and looks down, tries to see and fuck, he didn't know how massive his hand was. It’s such a turn on when he presses down on Louis' crotch and feels the outline of his dick.

''I want to come, love.'' Louis whispers into his ear.

''Here?''

''Yeah, rock star...'' Louis says as he grinds his ass back at him. ''Right here…''

Harry looks around but there are just so many people, so many sweaty bodies covered in strobe lights and darkness. Nobody will notice if he pulls Louis off and he really, really wants to pull him off.

He starts moving his hand in circular motions, pressing with his heel, cupping Louis’ hardening dick and bending his head down to kiss him. He swallows Louis’ whines and gasps as he touches the outline of Louis’ dick. He cannot believe that he's jacking Louis right there in the middle of the dance floor. If anybody zeroes in on his hand, they’ll know what he’s doing but he trusts the room to be dark enough for anybody to notice.

Louis’ hold on his hair is getting painful but he relishes it, relishes the fact that Louis is losing control, breathing haggardly when Harry releases his mouth and starts lapping up his neck instead. Louis tilts his head and gives him access and that’s when Harry decides to up his game. He gets his other hand down there and starts to prod Louis’ hole under his balls.

Louis’ gasp must be loud if the way his mouth drops open is anything to go by. The way he’s suddenly clutching Harry’s wrists, suddenly standing on his tiptoes like a string stretched tight and about to be let loose is making Harry hard.

‘’God baby, you should see yourself,’’ he whispers into Louis’ ear, biting a lobe and feeling him shiver. ‘’Like a vixen you are.’’

‘’Hazza…’’

‘’You gonna come, baby? You gonna come for me?’’

‘’I…uh…’’

Harry works him over some more, grinds into him from behind, stimulating him all over. Louis turns his face towards his neck and Harry can feel him panting, can see his chest heaving.

‘’C’mon baby, I wanna feel you get soaking wet down there.’’ He says before he presses his thumb over Louis’ slit through his jeans. Like they were the magic words, Louis’ body becomes taut and then like his strings were cut loose, he turns into putty in his arms.

‘’Fuck baby, you did it.’’ Harry says, in awe. He can feel the warmth on his hands coming from the feel of Louis’ crotch. ‘’Can I stick my hand down there? Please?’’

Louis nods before he even finishes and Harry jams his hand down his tight jeans and underpants, feels the wetness. He gathers what he can from Louis’ release and brings his fingers to his lips. He sees Louis watching him with hooded eyes as he laps up his fingers, tasting him.

Lesson learned right there; if Louis wants to take him dancing, take him on any date really, he’ll just say a big resounding yes.

………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’Are you doing solo stuff today?’’ Louis asks, sipping from his third cup of tea. Harry’s sat by the grand piano, papers and music sheets in front of him and Michael tinkering on the keys.

‘’Yeah, I’m trying to finish this song and Michael is gonna help me out.’’ Harry says before he smiles at Michael.

He’s a quiet guy, likes his weed a lot. He also likes to dye his hair almost every other weekend but he’s got magic fingers and Harry needs him today to do a ballad. There’s none of the others boys with him in the studio, Niall off in another room doing his solo stuff and Zayn on a mini vacation with Gigi. The producers and Jamie are in the board room, working on some technicalities.

‘’Do you want some lemon tea?’’ Louis asks. ‘’I can prepare some for you?’’

‘’No, that’s alright…’’ he says, eyeing Louis’ work load which only seems to get heavier and bigger.

‘’I really don’t mind.’’ Louis stands up and stretches. ‘’Michael, would you like anything?’’

‘’No thanks,’’ Michael says, off in his own world, playing melodies on the piano.

Louis goes off to make Harry’s drink. Harry smiles at his retreating back before he looks back down at his scribbled notebook.

‘’He’s a good boyfriend.’’ Michael says, making Harry look up.

‘’Who?’’

‘’Louis, who else?’’

‘’Oh,’’ Harry pauses. ‘’We’re not giving ourselves a label, at least not yet.’’

‘’Seriously?’’ Michael quirks an eyebrow at him, probably surprised. His hair is a mix of pink and green today. Harry wants to tell him that maybe he ought to never use that mix again.

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’Dude, you are so obvious.’’

‘’About what?’’

‘’About the fact that he's not a ‘break fling’?’’ Michael points out.

‘’Well, he’s not.’’

‘’Yes, but c’mon.’’ Michael chuckles. ‘’You treat each other like proper boyfriends, man.’’

‘’Well…’’

‘’And he looks like someone you want to have permanent dibs on, someone to come home to every night, someone to play house with.’’

Harry looks at Louis and sees him standing next to Tyler, laughing about something. Harry never thought of him as something permanent, merely enjoying each day as they come but it seems he’s let his guard down, like he’s become completely defenseless.

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’So? Do something about it.’’ Michael says.

‘’Like what?’’

‘’I don’t know, I mean, will you still want him when we’re off on tour?’’

‘’Yeah, we talked about that.’’

‘’But have you asked him to wait for you? Have you made arrangements to bring him to a couple of shows? Have you told management?’’

Talking about it in details makes it feel real. Although they said they will do the long distance thing, he didn’t actually think about how Louis having to wait for him while he’s gone won't be easy. If Louis feels the same way about him, then he’s going to be missing him something fierce too, right?

‘’I…I haven’t thought about that.’’

‘’Well, maybe you should.’’ Michael says and then goes back to tinkering on the piano when he sees the conflict in Harry’s eyes.

And Harry does feel conflicted. He feels like what he has with Louis is not something casual, like a ‘friends with benefits’ type of thing. Though he never pressures Louis about the whole 'no label' thing, he also feels like he's been serial dating him. He wants more, which makes him feel like what they have now isn’t enough. He wants to call Louis his boyfriend, wants him in the VIP list of people allowed backstage, wants him in the family section during their live shows. He wants Louis to be an even bigger part of his life and he wants to be a bigger part of Louis’ life too.

‘’Here’s your tea, love.’’ Louis says, leaving the fresh brew on the piano.

‘’Thanks, babe,’’ he says, his voice subdued. When he looks down at his notebook, the lyrics blur, like they’re all wrong. He tears a page and starts to fiercely scribble. He’s got all these feelings inside of him that he needs to let out on paper.

‘’Can we try something?’’ he asks Michael and moves his chair closer to him. He starts to hum the melody in his head and Michael follows his cue.

‘’A little bit slower.’’ Harry says and one, two, three tries later and the melody turn into lyrics. Michael writes down the musical notes on his lyrics verse by verse until the song is roughly ready.

‘’From the top,’’ Michael instructs and Harry starts singing, his notebook on the stand. He doesn’t notice that Jamie is standing behind them or that the room is quiet or that Louis’ put his mechanical pencil down. All Harry’s focus on is getting the song right, the way that he’d pictured it in his head.

_//If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you  
I think I might give up everything, just ask me to  
Pay attention, I hope that you listen 'cause I let my guard down  
Right now I'm completely defenseless_

_For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart  
For when you're lonely and forget who you are  
I'm missing half of me when we're apart  
Now you know me, for your eyes only  
For your eyes only//_

Harry finishes off the song and it’s raw and imperfect but as Michael plays the last notes, it feels…redeeming, like he’d just revealed a piece of his soul.

‘’Harry, that was beautiful.’’

Harry startles and looks behind him, sees Jamie standing there with a wide smile on his face.

''I think this album is ready,'' Julian says, standing behind Jamie. 

‘’You know what will be lovely?'' Jamie says. ''If you play the guitar on stage singing that song and…’’

Jamie talks with exuberance but Harry doesn’t hear him because Louis is looking at him something fierce and well…

His mind’s made up.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Promo season starts and after doing the radio shows in London and all the talk shows, he gets busy with the lads, filming the video for the first single. He can’t drive Louis to his lectures anymore but he does spend almost every night at his place, already missing him like crazy and he’s not even out of the country yet.

After the second single comes out, their dates stop and so does the sleeping over because Louis’ mid-terms come creeping up on him. Harry gets busy too, attending some charity functions. He still calls as much as he can, even if all they do is watch each other go to sleep on face-time.

By the third single, their kisses get frantic because the album comes out in three days and Harry leaves the country first of December to promote it in the US. He hasn’t even told Louis how he feels yet.

‘’Hi babe,’’ he greets Louis at the door. It’s been more than three weeks since he'd given Louis a tour of his house. He’s finished his exams and Harry wanted to cook him a meal. It’s probably going to be a while before he gets the chance to do so again.

‘’Congratulations!’’ Louis jumps into his arms. ‘’I heard the band went to number one on the Billboards!’’

‘’Yeah, we were told this morning,’’ Harry chuckles, putting Louis down. ‘’Have you heard the single?’’

‘’Have I heard it? Of course I have!’’ Louis chastises. He’s been texting Harry whenever he can about every song from the past four albums, telling him his opinion on every single one and asking him about rumours and stuff. It’s been fun and quite distracting, especially when they’re doing a live radio show and his phone’s buzzing in his pocket. ‘’The Rogue is the number one act in the country right now!’’

‘’Yeah, hopefully it will stay that way when the album drops.’’ Harry shrugs.

‘’It will, your fan base will make sure of that.’’ Louis says assuredly. Harry leads him to the kitchen and they sit down and eat the seafood pasta he’s prepared. Louis tells him about his exams and his grades, his selective subjects which he might need to take up on for extra credit. Harry helps him choose which one to take since Louis is conflicted between two of them and then they talk about the promo schedule in the US.

‘’When will you be back?’’ Louis asks, long after they've finished their meals. It's late at night and all they’re doing now is sipping the rosette Harry pulled out from his wine collection.

‘’Christmas week, around the 21st.’’ Harry answers. ‘’We’ve got the Jingle Ball festival to do and then the apple music festival as well. I’m not sure about the New Year shows but I think we’ll be in LA for that.’’

‘’Hmm, okay.’’

‘’You have plans for Christmas?’’

Louis finishes his glass of rosette instead of answering and then he gets up.

‘’I have plans now,’’ he says instead and pulls Harry from his seat.

‘’What type of plans?’’ Harry asks but once again, Louis doesn’t answer until they’ve reached his bedroom. ‘’Lou?’’

‘’Can you turn off the lights?’’ Louis asks. Harry swallows and does as he’s told. He’s about to shut the door when Louis stops him. ‘’Leave it, please.’’

The lights from the hallway spill into the room, just enough for him to see Louis start taking his clothes off.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’I know I kept you waiting.’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’And I know I’ve been a pain from all my school work and stuff. I know you’re worried about us when you start jumping from one plane to another. But I want to tell you that you have nothing to worry about, okay?’’

Harry’s feels a lump get stuck in his throat because he can’t see Louis in full details but he can see that he’s undressing, one article of clothing falling unto the floor after another until he's totally naked in front of him, bare from head to foot.

‘’I want you to be my boyfriend.’’ Harry says, like he can’t wait anymore. ‘’It’s been on my mind this whole time and I want it so badly, Lou.’’

‘’Then I’m yours.’’ Louis says. ‘’As long as you’re mine too.’’

‘’Yes of course, always.’’

‘’You look like you want to add something.’’ Louis prompts.

‘’It’s just…more than that for me,’’ Harry gulps. ‘’I want more, Lou.’’

‘’Anything you want, Haz. It’s yours.’’ Louis says and Harry cannot help but approach him until he’s a mere breath away.

‘’Why won’t you let me see you?’’

‘’I’m just a little body shy, that’s all.’’

‘’Louis, you’re gorgeous.’’ Harry tells him but Louis just shrugs him off.

‘’Haz, I’ve never been exclusive with anyone before.’’ Louis says, reaching for his hands. ‘’You were my first boyfriend in school and so far…I mean, people would think I only ever had two boyfriends in my life, when in truth, they’re one and the same person.’’ Louis chuckles shakily.

‘’Seriously?’’

‘’Yeah, everyone in between…’’ Louis swallows. ‘’They don’t matter now. They don’t compare…’’

‘’Lou…’’

‘’…and I don’t know about what the future holds for us, but so far, I’m liking where we are now, even though I’m terrified.’’

‘’Terrified of what?’’

‘’Of you seeing every inch of me, of you knowing every part of me, the good, the bad, the in between.’’ Louis admits. His eyes are wide and honest and looking at him with a look that can only be for the brave. ‘’I love you, Haz and that’s terrifying.’’

Harry feels his heart swelling because that day with Michael, that’s what he felt, that’s what he realized when it hit him that leaving Louis for tour was going to be harder than he thought and that he won’t (he can’t) go without establishing their feelings, without him telling Louis the truth.

‘’I love you too.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’I’ve loved you for a while, Lou. I love you so much already, I can hardly believe it.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Yeah, baby. I love you.’’ Harry repeats, like it’s a weight off his chest, enabling him to breathe. ‘’God, it feels good to finally say it.’’

‘’You’re the only good thing in my life.’’ Louis blurts out, like he didn’t mean for it to slip. ‘’I’m sorry if I sound clingy, I just…’’

‘’It’s okay, I love you. It’s okay.’’ Harry cups Louis’ face and brings him in for a kiss. ‘’I’ll take care of you. I promise.’’

Louis holds his neck and they kiss for a while, trying to calm down from the magnanimity of their feelings. Slowly, ever so slowly, Harry starts to lower his hands, starts caressing Louis’ sides with the tips of his fingers. It makes Louis gasp at first, lowering his hands to Harry’s shoulders and then he just breathes even as Harry continues with his ministrations.

Soon, Harry caresses his skin with the palm of his hands. Though Louis is mostly smooth, there are raised ridges that he feels as he moves his hands up and down, like old scabs. He doesn’t say anything about it, keeps kissing Louis languidly.

‘’Can I lie down on the bed now?’’ Louis asks, obviously worked up. ‘’I want you on top of me.’’

‘’Okay,’’

Louis pecks him before he first closes the door only half-way and then he goes towards the king size bed and lies down in the centre on his back. The light from outside is dimmed from Louis’ action and Harry realizes it’s so that the light doesn’t spill directly on where he’s lying, keeping him half in shadow.

‘’You got stuff?’’ Louis asks, breaking him out of his trance. It’s just…it didn’t occur to him that Louis is quite thin. He knew he was small but he looks tiny on the big, wide bed, like something precious, something to be cherished.

‘’Yeah,’’

Harry opens his bed-side drawer and takes out a bottle of lube and a condom.

‘’That’s looks brand new,’’ Louis points out. ‘’And I thought you kept the lube under the bed.’’

‘’Well, you’ve been holding out on me and the lube under the bed’s finished.’’ Harry says before he gets on all fours on top of Louis. ‘’Do you have any idea how many fantasies I’ve had of you since the night club?’’

‘’Tell me,’’ Louis says, knuckles caressing the ridges of his abs. ‘’Gosh, you are proper ripped.’’

‘’I rubbed one off after I called an Uber for you, Liam and Sophia,’’ Harry says, kissing Louis’ forehead, tracing the contours of his face with his lips. ‘’I was still by the entry, keys in my hand, just barely inside my house and I couldn’t wait. I was so hard, Lou. You made me so hard.’’

Louis gasps when Harry bites at his lower lip and pulls at it before he continues on his journey, kitten kissing his neck.

‘’I slept like a baby that night but when I woke up, I knew I was dreaming about you and came again while I was still in bed, rubbing against the sheets.’’ Harry starts kissing his way down to Louis’ nipples.

‘’I rubbed one in the shower, when I came home.’’ Louis admits, pushing his chest towards Harry. ‘’Wished you’d come home with me, continue where we left off on the dance floor.’’

‘’Hmm,’’ Harry shifts to Louis’ other nipple. ‘’I would have liked that. You’re so tasty, Lou.’’

‘’You can eat me out later if you want.’’

‘’Fuck,’’

Louis gasps when Harry bites down on his nipples. He is so turned on by the thought of eating Louis out. He’s an ass guy and Louis has the best arse hands down. The thought of going to town on his rim, sticking his tongue down there is almost enough to make him blow his load.

''Can't believe you're shy about your body,'' Harry murmurs against his skin. ''Hiding yourself from me.''

''Not of all of us can be Adonis personified, rock star.'' Louis rebuttals.

''I'll prove to you how fucking hot you are,'' Harry promises.

‘’Hazza, do something…’’ Louis demands when Harry’s tongue circles his belly button. He wants to keep exploring him so he keeps his lips moving. He feels those raised ridges under his lips when he moves from one hip to the other. He didn’t know that Louis’ hips were sharp, almost bony but he spreads the love regardless, kisses all that expanse of skin.

‘’Haz, please…’’

‘’Okay, baby. Okay…’’

He moves lower until Louis’ dick bumps against his chin and he can’t wait anymore either. He swallows him up.

‘’Ah!’’

Harry is quick to hold his hips down. He starts going to town, getting Louis’ dick wet, blowing him like he’d do a banana when he wants to be a little shit on stage. Louis’ noises are like music to his ears and he speeds up the process, wants Louis to come in his mouth.

‘’Baby, I’m close…’’ Louis gasps. ‘’I’m so fucking close…’’

Harry moans and takes him deeper, keeps sucking and sucking until Louis’ noises get louder and then he almost wails when his load bursts in Harry’s mouth. He’s so squirmy, losing it completely as Harry milks him and he tastes sublime, like sin.

‘’Beautiful, Lou…’’ he says, voice shot.

‘’Fuck, you sound so hot…’’ Louis’ chest is heaving but Harry’s done not with him. He gets up on his knees and spreads Louis’ legs apart.

Time for round two…


	6. Heathrow Airport

_So how do I say?_   
_Do I say goodbye?_   
_We both have our dreams_   
_We both wanna fly_   
_So let's take tonight_   
_To carry us through_   
_The lonely times_

-Westlife, Queen of my heart

‘’Fuck me, c’mon…Harry…’’ Louis begs as Harry’s fingers piston in and out. He’s up to three fingers now, with his rings still on. He didn’t realize that he didn’t take them off but the feel of the metal catching on Louis’ rim is so fucking hot.

‘’Baby, you make the sweetest sounds,’’ Harry says, massaging Louis’ pec with the heel of one hand, stimulating his nipple while his eyes focus on where his fingers are disappearing. Louis is just a beauty, a wonder to behold. He’s so responsive, so fidgety and Harry can finger him all night, listen to him all night. But he’s so hard, practically leaking at the head and he wants to last, wants to drive himself into Louis with all his might.

‘’Please, please…Harry…’’ Louis begs so sweetly. Harry is sure he’s finally wet enough so he rips a condom open with his teeth, sheaths himself and lubes up as much as possible.

‘’I can’t wait to be inside you.’’ He says as he grabs a pillow and puts it under Louis’ hips. Louis helps by holding his thighs to his chest, spreading his legs wide and Harry holds his hard dick until the head touches Louis’ rim.

‘’Fuck, you’re tight.’’ He curses as he starts pushing, gripping the back of Louis' thighs to the point of bruising. Louis’ hands reach down and guide his dick in, making Harry’s hands push forward, bending him almost in half. He feels something there under his palm, like raised scars on Louis' thigh but then Louis moans loud and he realizes he’s all the way inside, his balls touching Louis’ ass.

‘’Move,’’ Louis gasps so Harry does. Louis wraps his legs around him, ankles crosses at the small of his back, arms around his neck like an octopus and Harry starts thrusting.

He’s young, with a healthy sex drive and stamina. Before he knows it, the bed is shaking with how fast he’s thrusting in and out of Louis, pulling the most satisfying noises out of him.

‘’Faster, harder…’’ Louis moans and Harry obliges, switching between deep and long thrusts and then short and fast bursts. Louis holds on for the ride, clutching him with his everything. He’s so hot; hole practically warming his dick like a fresh batch of buns and his mouth is open and leaking saliva, eyes shut tight.

‘’Look at me, baby.’’ Harry demands, arms clutching the headboard, sweat falling on Louis’ forehead. ‘’Sweetheart…’’

‘’You and your pet names…’’ Louis chuckles shakily before he opens his eyes. ‘’You feel so good in me.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Harry says, thrusting extra hard just to watch Louis’ head tilt back in ecstasy. ‘’I want you to come again, untouched. Can you do that, baby?’’

‘’Anything…’’ Louis cries. ‘’Anything for you…’’

Harry presses in hard, like he knows where his prostate is. He keeps jabbing at the same spot over and over, watching Louis like a recorder, savouring every reaction, every sound, every flutter of his eyelashes, every sweat drop that leaks down his cheek. It makes him move faster, thrust harder and before he knows it, he’s pressing Louis flat on the mattress and reaching with both hands down, grabbing the cheeks of his arse and digging his nails in.

The reaction is instantaneous.

Louis practically wails, head tilting back so far the angle must be painful. Harry doesn’t stop moving, mesmerized by his boy, whose clutching the bed sheets so hard and releasing ‘’uh, uh, uh’’ gasps out of his sinful lips.

‘’Too much, too much…’’ Louis’ head shakes back and forth so Harry brings his elbows up and boxes Louis’ face in and begins thrusting with vigour, chasing his release. His abs come into contact with Louis’ abdomen that is covered in cum and fuck …Louis really came untouched.

‘’Baby, baby…’’ he babbles on until he feels the crest of his high, coming so fucking strong he sees stars behind his closed eyelids.

He feels Louis’ hands on his back, just moving up and down gently. It slows him down from thrusting, until he stops completely but remains inside Louis, chest heaving like he’d just run a marathon.

‘’Baby, you are something else.’’ He says, elbows giving out and feeling skin under his lips. He starts tonguing the vein there and feels something under his tongue but he’s not sure what it is. It doesn’t stop him from licking every part of skin his mouth can reach until Louis pulls his head up at eye-level.

‘’Hi,’’ he says before kissing him.

‘’Hi darling,’’ Harry says with a shit-eating grin.

‘’Stick with one pet name, will you?’’ Louis exhales, still breathing roughly.

‘’Baby, then. My baby…’’ he says before he proceeds to kiss Louis. It’s syrupy and pleasant, like he wouldn’t mind keeping his lips pressed against him if it means every part of them are touching, from their foreheads to the tips of their toes.

‘’I can kiss you all night and never tire,’’ Harry tells him, lips vibrating against Louis’, goose bumps coming alive from where the tips of Louis’ fingers are running up and down his back.

‘’I love you,’’ Louis exhales into his lips. It makes a warmth bloom inside his chest, like lighting up a lantern in the middle of winter or feeling the glow of firecrackers on a black-pitched night.

‘’Love you more, love every inch of you.’’ Harry tells him and proceeds to kiss him some more.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

They go at it a couple more rounds.

First when Harry comes to and finds himself alone in bed. He hears the shower running though so he waits until Louis comes back, smelling all fresh and clean. He cuddles into Louis as soon as he's back in bed. Harry's dick is hard and he presses into the cleft of Louis’ arse cheeks, unabashed. He rocks against him when Louis pushes back, stomach tightening under Harry’s palm. He comes against Louis’ back while keeping Louis wrapped up in his arms, hand resting on Louis’ dick. 

The second go, Louis is sleeping on his front, hair all dried up and sticking everywhere. Harry is on his side and the blankets are discarded. There’s dry cum on the expanse of Louis’ back, on the cleft of his arse and between his thighs and it makes his mouth water. He finds himself moving until his face is cushioned on Louis’ plump ass. Louis wakes from his movement and Harry starts pressing kisses into each cheek. He startles when fingers come into his eye-line, holding the cheeks in front of him open and he blinks when he finds Louis’ pucker winking at him.

He gets the message and starts poking his tongue in, rimming his boy in the early hours of the morning, taking his time, pushing a finger in along with his tongue and pulling those sweet cloying noises out of Louis. He feels Louis come undone when he stops squirming, muscles coming loose from where his ass cheeks were shaking under the clutch of his palms. He’s too spent to get hard again so he shimmies up and plasters himself against Louis’ back. He pulls them to their side and sees the patch of the bed sheet where Louis’ crotch was pressed all wet with his release. They fall asleep again, skin to skin.

The third time he wakes up, Louis must have turned around. Harry finds himself blinking up at the ceiling, a familiar weight on his chest, feathery hair tickling the underside of his chin. He’s smiling before he even looks down, fingers reaching up to adjust a pillow so he can get his head up for a better view.

He blinks once then again until he realizes that he’s not making up what he’s seeing. As he thought, the ridges he felt under his fingertips when he was caressing Louis’ sides are scabs. They look like a couple of days old but they’re long across each of Louis’ hips, five of them, like they were made by blunt finger nails. There are also some white lines on his back, just three of them that he can see, between his shoulder blades, uneven and barely there when he slides the pads of his fingers to trace them.

Harry looks down at Louis neck, zeroes in on the spot he felt under his lips and sees what looks like a cluster of small dots. They’re very small but they look like they didn’t heal well, like that of an injection.

Trying to get a fuller picture, he reaches for Louis’ thigh and pulls the leg up. He can’t see from where he’s lying but he feels with his fingers, probes until he’s sure that what he's feeling are scabs on top of fine lines, like fresh scars over new scars.

‘’Uh, that hurts.’’ Louis utters into his collarbone. ‘’You worked me up real good, babe.’’

Harry swallows because he wants to ask. He keeps his hand locked around the meat of Louis’ thigh, palm pressing against the back of it.

‘’Good morning,’’ he says instead.

‘’Good morning to you too,’’ Louis says before he slides to the side a little and presses his cheek on Harry’s left pec. Serene blue eyes blink up at him.

‘’Hey,’’ Harry says, his other arm coming around Louis’ upper back.

‘’Are you aware that you’re gripping my thigh?’’ Louis asks, amused.

‘’You got hurt here?’’ he asks carefully, pressing gently on the mark he felt.

‘’Yeah, a couple of days ago,’’ Louis says, closing his eyes like he’s about to go to sleep, top of his head pressing against his throat.

‘’What happened?’’ Harry asks, trying to sound indifferent.

‘’Was walking with Liam, buying some groceries,’’ Louis says, voice soft. ‘’I was so engrossed that I didn’t pay attention, can’t even remember what we were talking about. Anyways, was about to cross the street when Liam pulled me back hard. Almost got hit by a car that ran a red light.’’

‘’Jesus!’’

Thank the heavens for Liam, Harry thinks.

‘’Yeah, bruised my hips real bad from how hard he gripped me.’’ Louis chuckles into his chest. ‘’Then lost my footing and fell on one of our grocery bags, broke a pasta sauce bottle with my thigh.’’

‘’Oh, is that what I feel then?’’ Harry asks, fingers gentle now on the back of Louis’ thigh.

‘’Yeah, probably a big bruise there.’’ Louis says casually.

‘’Can I see?’’

‘’Now?’’

Harry just turns them over and gets Louis on his back before he shimmies down and tilts Louis’ left leg up.

‘’Oh Lou, it’s all blueish down here.’’ Harry says. Louis is right, there are some scabs, probably from the glass and a fat bruise between the back of Louis’ knee and his arse, right in the centre. ‘’Here, I’ll kiss it better.’’

‘’Haz!’’ it gets the desired reaction which is Louis laughing and trying to get his leg down. ‘’Come back here, you idiot.’’

‘’All done,’’ Harry coos after one last smooch and then crawls his way back to Louis. ‘’Don’t like you getting hurt.’’

‘’Is that right?’’ Louis quirks an eyebrow at him while twirling Harry’s curls between his fingers.

‘’Yeah, did you go to the hospital for that thigh?’’

‘’Nah, used a pair of tweezers to get the glass out. It wasn’t that bad.’’ Louis shrugs off.

‘’What about this one?’’ Harry asks, pad of his fingers grazing the side of Louis’ neck.

Louis flinches but hides it quickly with a smile.

‘’That’s…that’s ticklish,’’ he says.

‘’You got hurt here?’’

‘’No, it was when I was in the hospital, when you took my phone by accident.’’ Louis explains. ‘’I get sick a lot back, remember?’’

‘’Oh,’’ Harry wants to ask more, wants to know about the marks on his back but they’re old and faded and maybe it’s a story that’s shut and closed so he lets it go. ''Is this why you were shy around me? Didn't want to take your clothes off because of this?''

‘’Liam says I'm the clumsiest person he's ever met.’’ Louis huffs.

‘’I'd agree with him but I know you also can't help it.''

''Yeah,'' Louis sighs. ''He also says I study too hard but that is something I have to do.''

''Well, I don’t want you getting migraines or fevers or passing out in public.’’ Harry says and looking back now, he’s glad that it was him who found Louis. No one in that cafe even noticed that he was sick or that his phone was vibrating on the floor. ‘’Who knows what could’ve happened.’’

‘’This is not the way I imagined waking up after the night we had.’’ Louis tells him succinctly. ‘’I mean, naked? Yeah, okay. But talking about this? Not really.’’

‘’Well, what do you want to talk about?’’ Harry says, tilting his head down and kissing Louis’ neck. He’s thinking about putting another hickey there to join the others.

‘’Oh I don’t know, maybe a shower together?’’

‘’Hmm, keep talking…’’

‘’Perhaps you bending me over the kitchen table?’’

‘’Oh?’’

‘’Yeah and then maybe…’’ Louis’ breathe hitches as Harry starts working on that hickey.

‘’Maybe what?’’

‘’Well, I was still a bit sleepy after the shower when you ate me out, wasn’t really all there…’’ Louis’ voice stutters as he bites down hard. ‘’Maybe I’d get to watch this time…fuck…’’

‘’What else, princess?’’

‘’Oh my god…’’

‘’Well, don’t let me stop you…’’

‘’Haz…’’ Louis whines and starts pulling at his hair so Harry gathers his wrists and pulls his arms above his head.

‘’C’mon, what else do you want me to do to you?’’ he smirks, watching Louis squirm under his lustful gaze. To be honest, he’s trying not to lose control at the feel of Louis growing hard under him, at the feel of Louis spreading his thighs and letting him rut against him.

‘’I can’t believe you just called me princess.’’ Louis gasps. ‘’Kiss me,’’

‘’Uh, uh...’’ Harry tilts his head away, preventing Louis from following him until his head falls back in a whine. ‘’Tell me what else do you want?’’

‘’I want to ride you,’’ Louis moans and Harry tightens his hold on Louis’ wrist at the thought of Louis on top of him like that. ‘’Want you.’’

‘’I love that idea, baby.’’ Harry complements him. ‘’But I want to mark you up first. Is that okay?’’

Louis nods vigorously so Harry keeps a hold on his wrists as he bites another hickey beside Louis’ Adam’s apple. He goes a bit overboard after that, printing hickeys into the meat of Louis’ biceps, forming a row of them on each arm.

‘’Umm, yummy.’’ Harry says once he’s done, licking his lips delightfully before he sees the dazed look in Louis’ eyes. ‘’Do you still want me to kiss you?’’

Louis' nod is eager and excited. He indulges then, tilts his head down and sucks on Louis’ tongue because kissing Louis is as much a turn on for Louis as it is for him. He moves his hands so that he can intertwine his fingers with Louis’. It’s unbelievably hot how Louis is so submissive in bed, so eager and able to keep up with him.

They don’t leave the bed almost all day and only shower long after Louis took his time riding him.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’By the way, this sucks.’’ Louis says; voice sad and lips angled down. They’re in a private room somewhere in the airport. Harry and the boys are about to board a plane. The album is out, hitting all the number one spots in the UK and US charts, not to mention streaming worldwide. It’s nothing new after almost five years of striving for the top.

What’s new is saying goodbye to Louis.

‘’It’s only for a little while.’’ Harry placates. Louis’ arms are folded in front of his chest so he lets go of his hips to wrap his arms around Louis, hands locked at the small of his back. ‘’I’ll be back for your birthday.’’

‘’This is still too long for you to be gone for just some promo.’’ Louis huffs.

‘’Promo and award shows,’’ Harry corrects him. ''And live festivals, Lou. That's important.''

‘’Still, too long and it's not good for your health to be in five countries in less than a week.’’ Louis tells him. They’re doing some promo all over Europe for about a week and then two weeks in the US before he comes back to London for the Christmas and New Year shows. They’ve got some tapings for the US TV talk shows in LA and New York to do and it’s going to be a busy three weeks but it’s going to be a good test to their relationship.

If only it wasn’t already hard now. Louis isn’t wrong; he’ll be incredibly busy the next few weeks but he doesn't need the reminder.

‘’Lou, why are you being difficult?’’ he cannot help but ask. ‘’You think this is easy for me? You think I want to leave you?’’

Louis looks up at him here from where he was staring at Harry’s chest this whole time. His eyes are teary.

‘’Hey, hey, don’t do that.’’ He says when Louis’ face crumbles. ‘’Come here.’’ Harry gathers him to his chest, holds him tighter when Louis lets his arms loose and wraps them around his waist.

‘’It’s gonna suck so bad without you.’’ Louis’ voice is muffled but it’s thick and he sounds really upset. Harry’s never had to do a goodbye this hard before. ‘’I hate this.’’

‘’Lou, you’re breaking my heart here.’’ Harry looks up and sees his band-mates either looking away or saying goodbye to their own partners so he focuses on his own boy.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Louis says and Harry feels his shirt getting wet. ‘’I can’t help it; I’m sorry.’’

‘’There’s nothing to be sorry for,’’

‘’It’s just,’’ Louis hiccups before he looks up at him, arms locked around his waist. ‘’Who’s gonna give you back massages? You need those in the morning, Haz. You get really sore sometimes and you need your ginger lemon tea, you need to take care of your vocal chords and who’s gonna…’’

‘’Lou, can you breathe for a second?’’ Harry cups his face.

‘’But I’m really worried here.’’ Louis whines.

‘’I’ll be fine, love.’’

‘’Still!’’

His boy is ridiculous. He can’t help but pull his head back down to his chest.

‘’Wish I could pack you up, take you with me.’’ Harry says, rocking them gently. ‘’You’d fit snuggly in my pocket, you know?’’

‘’I’m not that small.’’ He manages to make Louis laugh with the gentle jab. ‘’You’re the one who’s over-sized.’’

‘’You didn’t seem to mind when I was ramming my over-sized…’’

‘’Dude!’’ Louis says, slapping a small hand over his mouth. ‘’Have you no shame?’’

‘’I’m shamelessly in love with you.’’ Harry says. ‘’So no; zero shame.’’

Louis lets go of his mouth and starts twirling a stray curl with his pointer finger. ‘’Your hair’s gotten longer.’’

‘’Same with yours.’’ Harry points out and reaches out with a gentle hand and brushes Louis’ stray tears away. ‘’I don’t like to see you crying.’’

‘’Sorry,’’ Louis sniffs. ‘’I’ll be able to come to your shows?’’

‘’Yeah, it's all confirmed.’’ Harry confirms. ‘’You’ve got your passes? You got Eddie’s number?’’

Eddie is their tour manager. Telling him about Louis made all the arrangements easier. Since Louis is not the only one on the boys’ list of VIPs, it was done without any hiccups.

Louis nods before his head turns when they hear the boarding call.

‘’Come here,’’ Harry gathers him up in a hug again but this time he feels like the one who’s choking on his unshed tears. ‘’I’ll miss you so much. No one takes care of me like you do.’’

‘’I’ll miss your cooking.’’

‘’I’ll miss you playing with my hair.’’

‘’I’ll miss your dimples.’’

‘’God, we are so cheesy.’’ Harry cannot help but laugh before he lifts his head. ‘’How about a kiss, baby?’’

Louis doesn’t bother with a reply. He just gets on his tip toes and wraps his arms around Harry’s neck, pulls his head down for a kiss.

The world as usual fades away around him, until somebody pats his back and says something along the lines of, ‘’C’mon, H. Gotta go. Last call.’’

‘’I love you so much,’’ Harry says, switching to kitten pecks and one last swipe of his tongue but Louis keeps on kissing him, making him speak into his lips. ‘’I‘ll text every day, I promise.’’

‘’Don’t go yet.’’

Harry doesn’t know why Louis is making it this hard; he’s never been so clingy before.

‘’Lou, c’mon.’’ he pleads and then he just holds Louis’ wrists and pushes down. ‘’Baby, I have to go.’’

Louis blinks down and seems to get a hold of himself.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he says, squeezing Harry’s hands in his before he looks up. ‘’I love you.’’

‘’I love you,’’ Harry tells him before he kisses his button nose. ‘’I’ll see you soon, yeah?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis musters up the strength to smile. ‘’Go get’em, tiger.’’

It makes something unclench in his chest, seeing Louis’ smile again. The belief that they’ll be alright pulses like a beating heart within him.

He pecks Louis one last time before he hauls his carry-on. He kisses the back of Louis’ hand before he lets go and moves towards he gate. He steals one last look after the lady at the counter hands him back his passport before he blows Louis a subtle kiss.

Louis waves back; his face sad again.


	7. Backstage dressing room

_You make my heart shake bend and break_   
_But I can't turn away_   
_And it's driving me wild_   
_You're driving me wild_

-Troye Sivan, Wild

They text a lot just as they had agreed on which is good because there isn’t a lot of time to call. The time difference sucks but they manage to keep texting even if Louis takes a while to reply back or for Harry to remember their thread of conversation.

The thing is; Harry wonders if this is what Louis felt like at the airport, because there’s this crushing feeling in his chest like maybe he forgot something, like the feeling that something’s missing and he just doesn’t know what it is.

He just misses Louis a whole lot.

By the end of week two, they manage a phone call but it’s short and brief, Louis citing that he was tired from work and he sounded like it.

‘’It’s so cold over here,’’ Louis tells him sleepily. ‘’And the heater broke.’’

‘’Babe, that’s awful.’’ Harry says, aching to hug his boy and keep his warm. ‘’Can’t the landlord fix it?’’

‘’Liam and I need to wait till the end of the month to pay for it.’’ Louis informs him. ‘’Lucky Liam though, he’s staying at his girlfriend’s place till the New year’s.’’

‘’Wait, he left you to fend for yourself?’’ Harry asks, voice loud. The boys look at him where they’re sitting in the waiting room back stage, getting their hair fixed for the Jimmy Kimmel Live concert taping. ‘’That’s not like him.’’

‘’Yeah, well…he’s got exams too and I can’t intrude on his girlfriend. She’s got room-mates too.’’

‘’That sucks, Lou.’’

‘’Tell me about it.’’ Harry can practically hear his teeth chatter down the line. ‘’Anyways, I’m toasty warm now under all my blankets and I stole his too.’’

‘’You got socks on your feet? I know you hate them but I really like your toes and I’d hate for them to fall off.’’ He hears somebody gag and realizes he’s being mushy so he pushes off the couch and moves outside the hall.

‘’Hey, where’re you going? Show’s in ten minutes.’’ Paul calls after him.

‘’My toes are just fine, thank you very much.’’ Louis drawls at him.

‘’One sec, Lou.’’ Harry says before he turns to Paul. ‘’I’ll just stand here, okay?’’

‘’Okay but end that phone call soon.’’ Paul says sternly.

‘’You gotta go?’’ Louis asks.

‘’No, I got a few more minutes.’’ Harry assures him.

‘’Well, don’t worry your pretty little head; I got two pairs of fuzzy socks on.’’ Louis informs him.

‘’My warm, toasty boy.’’ Harry cannot help but say.

‘’Miss your pet names,’’ Louis says sleepily. ‘’Miss you so much, it aches sometimes.’’

‘’Where does it ache, babe?’’

‘’My head, my chest, my back, my ankles. Everywhere.’’

Harry feels tightness in his throat. The thing is, being this co-dependent is dangerous and probably too soon for him to feel this deeply for Louis, for him to hurt because Louis’ hurt or for his chest to ache because Louis’ aching.

‘’I’ll be back soon, Lou.’’ He promises.

‘’Wish I could hold you,’’ Louis continues. ‘’My little spoon.’’

Now, that just smarts.

‘’I’m gonna ruin my make-up if you keep talking like that.’’ Harry warns, voice thick.

‘’Nah, you’d still be beautiful.’’ Louis chuckles before he sighs. ‘’Prettiest boy in the whole world.’’

‘’H, five minutes.’’ Paul calls behind him.

‘’I love you, Lou.’’ He says down the line. ‘’I’ll talk to you soon, okay?’’

‘’Okay, love.’’

‘’Say you love me.’’

‘’I love you,’’ Louis says with delight. ‘’Make sure the ladies throw their knickers at you.’’

It manages to make Harry laugh, like Louis had a key to unlock the vice in his chest that will allow him to breathe.

‘’Will catch one and bring it back as a souvenir if you want.’’

‘’Fuck you,’’ Louis laughs. ‘’I can’t believe I’m in love with a rock god.’’

‘’Can’t believe you’re mine.’’ Harry says softly.

‘’I am yours.’’ Louis says confidently, like he’s stating a fact.

‘’Yeah, you are.’’

‘’Hmm, you have to go babe.’’ Louis says softly. ‘’Love you,’’

……………………………………………………………………………………….

If airport goodbyes are bad, then airport reunions compensate for them big time.

Louis had insisted to meet him at the airport but due to security, he wasn’t allowed inside the airport itself. So, he had arranged with Eddie to fetch Louis in the company car that will pick him up from the airport and drive him home.

‘’You’re jittery, man.’’ Zayn notices as they pick up their luggage. Harry is tapping his foot impatiently as he waits for his bags to show up.

‘’We’ve been delayed. Who knows how long he’s been waiting in the cold?’’ Harry mutters. He hopes Louis isn't too shy to ask the driver to turn the heat up.

‘’Oh, someone's eager for car sex.’’ Ashton says from behind him, making Harry turn to him and glare.

‘’You’re lucky there are cameras around.’’ He grounds.

‘’Oh, afraid you’d break your arm trying to land a punch?’’ Ashton snorts. ‘’Fucking softie is what you are.’’

Harry takes a step towards him but Niall comes between them.

‘’Be the bigger man, H.’’ Niall warns before he turns to Ash. ‘’Not that there’s any comparison needed.’’

Ashton’s face turns into a scowl and it doesn’t help when Paul pushes him along a little too roughly, like he knows how bad it could get if they’re still breathing the same air.

‘’What an ass-wipe.’’ Zayn grits.

‘’You got that right,’’ Niall says, patting Harry’s back.

Harry just takes a deep even breath and turns back around to wait for his luggage.

He’s got Louis to focus on and that’s all he’s going to do.

………………………………………………………………………………………

It’s mayhem outside the airport, with paps and fans bombarding them everywhere but it’s an old dance by now, with Alberto hauling Harry’s suitcases in the trunk and airport security giving him enough of a tunnel to reach the car.

As soon as he’s in and the door closes, he finally manages to take a breath only for that breath to be knocked out of him with a lapful of boy.

‘’Baby!’’ Harry crows before he snakes his arms around Louis’ curvy waistline.

‘’You took forever.’’ Louis says into his neck before he finally kisses him. Harry is glad the company cars are always tinted and that the divider is always up.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Plane got delayed,’’ Harry says between kisses before he just settles in his seat and lets Louis kiss him.

It’s like someone scooped his organs out like ice-cream and Louis kissing him and sitting on his lap is like he’s filling that emptiness, returning his organs back and arranging them just right.

‘’Hi baby,’’ Harry says when Louis pulls back and exhales, coming up for air.

‘’Hi, love.’’ Louis says, settling more in his lap. ‘’You had a good flight?’’

‘’Back’s a bit sore but it was alright,’’ Harry says. ‘’Need a shower though,’’

‘’Yeah, you smell like stale air.’’ Louis chuckles before a bump on the road makes him jump and he hits his head on the top of the car. ‘’Oh fuck!’’

‘’Hey, you alright?’’ Harry immediately gets Louis to sit next to him and pulls Louis’ head down on his chest to massage it. ‘’Does it hurt?’’

‘’Nah, I’m okay. Almost bit me tongue off.’’ Louis says, pulling his hand down. ‘’Anyway, tell me everything.’’

Harry talks and talks and Louis listens attentively but at the same time he notes the bags under Louis’ eyes, the paleness on his face and the thick clothes he’s got on.

‘’You finished your exams?''

‘’Yeah, just have a couple of project submissions and then I’m all free.’’ Louis says before his lips tilt down sadly.

‘’What?’’

‘’I’ll be able to come to your shows but my dad wants me home for the holidays.’’ Louis informs him.

‘’When do you leave?’’ Harry asks, a frown etched on his face.

‘’You have a show on the 23rd, right?’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Harry doesn't remind him that Louis had texted him that he won't be coming to that show. He's only glad that he didn't cancel on the others.

‘’I leave the day before.’’

‘’That’s tomorrow, Lou!’’ Harry says, in shock. ‘’Why didn’t you tell me?’’

‘’I wasn’t planning on going but dad insisted.’’ Louis says, tone just as sad. ‘’Look, I’ll still be in London and I’ll leave tomorrow night, as late as I can leave. Besides, I just won’t be in the apartment, not a plane away. And when I’m free, I’ll call you, okay?’’

‘’But…’’

‘’Your mum and sister are gonna come up right? They’ll keep you busy.’’

‘’They’re only here Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before they fly off to Barbados.’’ Harry laments. ‘’I wanted to introduce you to them.’’

The Rogue is scheduled for a Christmas performance on the 23rd and then Harry was free until the 26th. After that, the band has duties to uphold from the 27th to the 30th of the month, more shows to perform. They don’t start tour until February the 25th and with the exception to perform on Valentine’s Day, all they’ll do after the New Year is relax for a whole month before they begin rehearsals.

‘’But they’re coming to the show, right?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry sighs. ‘’This still sucks. I was planning on dinner reservations.’’

‘’I know but I’ll only be gone till the New Year and school doesn’t start till February the 14th.’’

‘’You still have finals though.’’

‘’Just for a week at the end of January.’’ Louis reminds him before he smiles. ‘’Before that, I’m all yours.’’

‘’You'd better be,’’ Harry pulls him closer to his chest and pouts the whole way home.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

They have shower sex when they arrive back at Harry’s place. Louis had the foresight to pack an overnight bag, like he knew Harry wouldn’t want him out of his sight and just, Harry couldn’t wait to take him to bed.

‘’You’re so good to me,’’ Harry sighs into Louis’ collarbones, water dripping all over their bodies as he holds Louis’ up against the glass, fucking into him. Louis’ got his arms up, hands gripping the edge of the glass and letting gravity do the work as he bounces up and down on Harry’s dick. ‘’So fucking good to me, baby. Want to fucking wreck you.’’

‘’You and your dirty talk,’’ Louis gasps. ‘’Turns me on so much.’’

‘’Yeah? You want me to keep talking, baby?’’

‘’I want you to fuck me harder,’’ Louis moans. ‘’Miss feeling you in me, filling me up.’’

‘’Yeah?’’ Harry squeezes Louis’ plump ass in his massive hands before he gathers Louis’ thighs and starts thrusting in harder. ‘’Like this?’’

‘’Oh fuck,’’ Louis’ eyes close from the feeling and his arms come down around Harry, holding on. ‘’Don’t drop me.’’

‘’Never,’’

Harry fucks into him like a man possessed. They’ve forgone condoms after they’ve sent texts to each other with their test results and fucking into Louis bare after three weeks of nothing but his hand on his dick is going to make this whole experience end really soon.

‘’Uh, uh, uh…’’ Louis gasps until he comes with a shout. Harry chases his release, like he's running a marathon. The sound of skin squeaking against the glass gets frantic until he finally comes too.

‘’Are you full, baby?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis sighs and Harry feels his knees trembling. He manages to slide them down until Harry’s sitting against the glass, Louis still in his lap.

‘’Stay in me for a while.’’ Louis tightens his arms around Harry's neck when he was about to lift him up. ‘’Please?’’

Harry returns his arms to Louis’ back and lets the water pellet over them, washing away their release. He moves a hand down to Louis’ rim, a finger tracing where he and Louis are still connected, no condom between them.

‘’Can’t believe I get to have this,’’ he can’t help but say.

‘’What? Your bare dick in me?’’ Louis snorts, face tucked into the side of his neck.

‘’No, this.’’ Harry demonstrates by hugging Louis to him. ‘’Intimacy, familiarity, a warm body to come home to. It’s everything I’ve always wanted.’’

‘’Never had it before?’’

‘’Nah, got used to coming home to an empty house and by night fall, I’d be driving myself crazy, finding any reason to get out; party here, birthday there, fashion shows, gallery openings.’’

‘’But you like meeting new people, making friends…’’

‘’But I can’t take them home to bed with me, can I?’’ Harry peers down at him and it still takes his breath way, seeing Louis’ blue eyes. ‘’I can’t give them my whole heart.’’

‘’Why? Have you given me yours?’’

‘’Have you?’’

‘’I have,’’ Louis says, eyes sincere. ‘’You know I have.’’

It still shocks him sometimes, the way that Louis loves him unabashedly, with no restraint, no embellishments. He's always thought when he’d love someone, he’d be overbearing but Louis reciprocates his feelings just as much, just as whole-heartedly.

‘’Then everybody else pales in comparison.’’ Harry says, eyes tracing the water dotting Louis’ face, the slope of his nose, the length of his eyelashes.

He’s so beautiful, inside and out.

‘’Welcome home, love.’’ Louis tells him, a blissful smile on his face.

‘’Yay,’’ Harry chuckles before he dives in for a wet kiss.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Louis leaves the following night but Harry has re-arranged his plans so he doesn’t think much of it, not when he’s going to be seeing Louis after the show on the 23rd.

He’d managed to book dinner reservations for a get together after the show so that they can have dinner before Louis has to return home before midnight, as his father had requested.

The problem however is that Louis’ late.

Louis had insisted that he meet him at the restaurant where he’d booked for a private dinner setting. And now, he’s waiting outside with Alberto, probably about to get recognized because Louis isn’t answering his calls.

‘’Harry, get inside.’’ Alberto tells him for the third time. ‘’When I see him, I’ll get him to you.’’

‘’He might be lost,’’ Harry says, looking up and down the street, warming his hands by rubbing them against each other. ‘’This isn’t the first time either. I think he’s got a bad sense of direction.’’

‘’Is that him?’’ Alberto asks. Harry looks behind him and sees Louis running down the street, adjusting his tie. There’s snow on the ground and Harry waves at him when Louis sees him. He’s about to tell him to slow down when Louis slips and falls flat on his back.

‘’Oh shit!’’ Harry runs out of the awning he was under until he’s beside Louis. ‘’Did you seriously have to run?’’

‘’I’m late!’’ Louis exclaims. Harry helps him up on his feet and starts dusting the snow of his back. ‘’Oh fuck, now my jacket’s ruined.’’

‘’Nah, it’s fine.’’ Harry assures him. He’d had to give Louis his gift early because they won’t be spending Christmas together; a nice long puffy and waterproof jacket that luckily cushioned his fall. ‘’It’s all good.’’

‘’Okay, do I look presentable?’’ Louis checks, spreading his hands and standing in front of Harry. He’s wearing a thin red tie with a white shirt and a navy blue sweater and black skinny jeans. He also shaved off the stubble he was sporting yesterday.

‘’You look dashing,’’ Harry tells him before he grips his hand. ‘’Now, let’s go. I left my family for too long.’’

‘’Okay, okay.’’ Louis chuckles nervously before he lets go of his hand and follows after him. Harry barely notices Alberto following behind them.

They quickly head for the area sectioned off for his family. Once they arrive, Anne gets up.

‘’This must be Louis.’’ She says, extending a hand.

‘’I’m so sorry I’m late.’’ Louis says sincerely. ‘’I have a bad sense of direction.’’

‘’See? I told you.’’ Harry adds, pulling a chair for Louis beside him.

‘’It’s alright, glad you made it.’’ Anne assures Louis.

‘’Hi, you must be Gemma,’’ Louis says and shake hands with Harry's sister followed by his step-father.

Once they are all seated and everyone is present, dinner finally starts. Louis is lively and bubbly and Harry can tell he’s trying hard to impress his family. He can see it in the way that his hands are shaking in his lap, trying to hide his nervousness when he’s addressed. It’s endearing instead of annoying. Most people who had tried that seemed fake and his sister was always quick to tell him off from dating shallow people.

‘’So, Louis.’’ Oliver, his step-father, says after wiping his mouth with his napkin. ‘’Harry here told us you’re studying to be an engineer.’’

‘’I am; I’m majoring in architectural engineering.’’ Louis confirms.

‘’Tough course,’’

‘’You got that right,’’ Harry says loudly. ‘’You should see his work load. It’s back-breaking stuff, I’m telling ya.’’

‘’Well, of course it’s tough.’’ Anne says. ‘’But Louis here looks like a smart lad.’’

‘’Can’t be if he’s dating my brother,’’ Gemma says, the little shit.

‘’Hey, that’s mean.’’ Harry throws a bread roll at her.

‘’Harry, behave!’’ Anne says, putting the bread roll back on his plate and smiling at Louis. ‘’Excuse my children.’’

‘’It’s alright.’’ Louis chuckles before he looks at Gemma. ‘’Harry actually helps me with my studies. He invites me to the studio a lot and I study there better than the library sometimes.’’

‘’Your professors tough?’’ Oliver asks.

‘’I’m trying my best to keep up with them,’’ Louis says shyly.

‘’But why engineering?’’ Gemma asks.

‘’What’s with the inquisition, people?’’ Harry asks, sweeping his eyes around the table and resting his arm on the top of Louis’ chair.

‘’No, it’s alright.’’ Louis says before he pats his thigh. ‘’It’s a simple answer really; I saw a magazine featuring Zaha Hadeed’s work and I was hooked; wanted to be just like her, want to build things, make things. So, I decided to just go for it.’’

‘’She is a brilliant woman.’’ Anne says.

‘’She really is,’’ Louis agrees.

They ask a few more questions and soon, Louis’ hands stop shaking.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’You sure I can’t drive you home?’’ Harry asks. They’re standing inside near the entrance of the restaurant, waiting for Alberto to bring Harry’s car around.

‘’No, you be with your family,’’ Louis shakes his head, hands tapping on his phone where he’s ordering an uber.

‘’You’re gonna come to the other shows, right?’’

The apple music festival was on the 28th and the Jingle ball was on the 29th, which meant that Louis was going to be able to sleep over for one night. Harry wanted him to come to the ‘’iHeart radio festival’’ on the 27th but Louis said he wouldn’t make it.

‘’Yeah, baby, don’t worry about it.’’ Louis assures him. ‘’I'm glad you were able to book dinner reservations. I know it can't have been easy doing it last minute.''

''It's alright; I'm glad you were able to meet the family.''

''My ride is here.’’ Louis says when his phone pings.

‘’Wish we could spend Christmas together,’’ Harry sulks.

‘’Wish I could kiss you right now,’’ Louis whispers, mindful of the people around them.

‘’How about a hug then?’’ Harry says before he opens his arms.

‘’Yes, please.’’ Louis dives into his arms and they hug for maybe longer than strictly necessary until a car honks outside. ‘’I gotta go.’’

‘’I love you,’’ Harry whispers to his ear.

‘’Love you, babe.’’ Louis says. ‘’Thank you for the jacket. It’s lovely.’’

‘’It looks great on you.’’

‘’See you soon, then.’’

‘’Bye, love.’’

Louis waves goodbye to his family before he goes to his ride. Alberto’s car is right behind the uber so they follow too. Both cars go the opposite ways.

‘’Harry, he’s wonderful.’’ Anne says, arm hooked with his. ‘’I remember him now from school. He’s changed so much.’’

‘’Not really,’’ Harry denies.

‘’Bro,’’ Gemma says in front of him. ‘’You dwarf him. He’s so bloody small.’’

‘’Gemma, language.’’ Anne chastises before turning to Harry. ‘’You need to fatten that boy up. Put your cooking skills to good use.’’

‘’Mum!’’

‘’She’s right,’’ Oliver says.

‘’You always agree with my mum.’’ Harry pouts at the man. ‘’And you all ganged up on me today. What gives?’’

‘’Well, we are your family,’’ Gemma points out. ‘’Who else can embarrass you but us?’’

Harry kicks her leg but Gemma just sticks her tongue out at him like a thirteen-year-old.

All in all, it’s a good night.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Christmas is good. It would have been better if he could’ve even face-timed Louis but all he got was a reply to his text. It came with a picture of the gift he gave him (not the birthday gift, since that one was the jacket).

_Yay me, thank you my love. I dig you so much. Merry Christmas, sweetcheeks xoxo_

The picture was a box with a new pair of vans, on top of a very festive red paper wrapper and a red bow. As long as his boy was happy, Harry was happy.

On Christmas morning, Harry got a delivery of flowers to his door. Not just anyone knew his address and the receipt he signed indicated that the order came from management but the card said something entirely different;

_‘’Dear H,_

_I couldn’t get the flower shop to deliver this to your house. They thought I was a crazy stalker fan so I had to call Eddie and ask for a favour. Merry Christmas, love’’_

The massive bouquet came with a small gift bag. Inside it was a box and when he’d opened it, it was a silver necklace. There was also another card.

_‘’Noted your affinity for accessories and this reminded me of school and you…always you. Love, L’’_

When Harry looked at the pendant, it was a paper airplane, similar to the one he’d lost back when he was in school. He’d told Louis about it only once. How it was a gift from his late Nan and the fact that Louis remembered and found an exact replica, makes his heart expand.

He immediately texts Louis a series of kisses, accompanied with a selfie of him standing with the flowers in one arm and the necklace around his neck. He only wishes he could've thanked him in person.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

The day of the Apple music festival, Harry was buzzing. He couldn’t sit down for even a minute, standing outside the dressing room like a loon, waiting for Alberto to bring Louis inside.

They weren’t the only act about to perform. He can see Taylor swift, Ariana Grande and Ed Sheeran around, each with their own dressing room. There are more artists milling about, he’s sure but he’s met them all before already.

He just wants to see Louis.

Finally, he sees Eddie walking towards him, gesturing with his hand to enter the dressing room so Harry does and waits just inside the door.

‘’Louis coming?’’ Niall asks from where he’s lounging on the couch with Hailee leaning into him.

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry bites his lip before the door opens and Louis comes through.

‘’Finally,’’ Niall crows. Harry just laughs and gathers Louis into a hug.

‘’Harry, Taylor Swift is out there!’’ Louis says into his ear. ‘’And I saw Little Mix too!’’

A couple of throat clearing is heard across the room.

‘’Yeah, we don’t mention them in here.’’ Harry winces before he brings Louis to the empty armchair he was occupying previously and seats Louis on his lap. ‘’Zayn and Perrie had a bit of history so…’’

‘’Oh, sorry.’’ Louis says and mouths sorry to Zayn who just shakes his head at him with a smile, Gigi tucked under his arm. ‘’I didn’t know they dated.’’ Louis whispers.

‘’It was more than that,’’ Harry says. ‘’But anyway, enough about them. How are you?’’

He's feeling better already, having Louis in his arms. It's like having his Louis withdrawals doused clean which is ridiculous. He'd seen Louis less than a week ago!

‘’I’m okay.’’

‘’How’s your dad?’’

‘’Can we not talk about him and focus on right now?’’ Louis asks, practically bouncing on his lap. ‘’I’m buzzing over here. I’ll hear you sing live for the first time, H!’’

‘’You nervous?’’

‘’Me? What about you?’’

‘’Lou,’’ Harry chuckles. ‘’I’ve done bigger shows than this. It isn’t a big deal.’’

‘’Yes, but you’re playing new songs, right?’’

‘’Yeah but we’ve rehearsed a lot so…’’

‘’Are you playing any solo stuff?’’

‘’Just one song each.’’

‘’Which song are you singing?’’

‘’I chose to do ‘sign of the times’. You heard it right?’’

‘’Oh that’s a big one.’’ Louis says in awe. ‘’You had your lemon tea?’’

‘’No, not yet.’’

‘’I’ll make one for you before you perform.’’ Louis says before he reaches with his hand and massages Harry’s throat. ‘’Can’t have your vocals going out on you.’’

Harry draws him in for a kiss. Whenever he’s with Louis, he always feels taken care of. In a way that is more about his security or his physical needs. Louis always pays attention to the little things, the tiny minuscule details that no one notices and they mean so much, speaks volumes to him. He wishes he could pocket every single thing he does because he could write journals about Louis this and Louis that and it won’t be enough.

They have an hour before it’s their turn to perform so he savours every moment of it. After their kiss, Louis tucks his head into the juncture between his neck and shoulder and starts yawning.

‘’You sleepy?’’

‘’A little bit,’’ Louis mutters, burrowing into him. He’s wearing the jacket Harry bought for him but Harry can feel him shivering. Now that he notices, Louis is a bit warm.

‘’You okay, Lou?’’

‘’Hmm,’’

‘’I think you’re a bit warm.’’ Harry frowns. ‘’Do you want to take off the jacket?’’

‘’No, thanks.’’ Louis says, eyes closed. ‘’I’m just tired. Finished all my submissions today.’’

‘’Did you eat before you left?’’

‘’Yeah, don’t worry about it.’’

Niall draws him into a conversation before he could inquire furthermore. To be fair, he does seem fine so Harry just holds him close while Louis dozes on him.

‘’You know, I’ve seen him before.’’ Ashton says. He’s been in the bathroom doing who knows what. When he finally came out, he had two girls with him. Harry won’t even ask. He immediately scowls when Ashton takes a seat between Hailee and Luke.

‘’What are you talking about?’’ Harry asks exasperatedly.

‘’Your boy,’’ Ashton replies. ‘’I’ve seen him before at some party.’’

‘’He’s a uni student, he attends parties like everyone else.’’ Harry drawls.

‘’Yeah but he was some older guy’s arm candy.’’ Ashton smirks. ‘’A proper twink.’’

‘’Say that again and I’ll rip your throat out.’’ Harry threatens, hand suddenly tight on Louis’ hip, startling him awake.

‘’Haz?’’

‘’Oh hi, it’s me again.’’ Ashton says, getting up and presenting his hand to Louis. ‘’Care for a threesome? I bet you’re into that sort of thing with an arse like…’’

What happens next is a blur of movement. In his haste to get up, Louis ends up on the floor instead of deposited on the chair. It has a lot to do with him losing his balance when Niall got up and pushed at Ash's chest until he's got him pinned against the wall, locking his arm against Ash’s throat and practically growling, Hailee trying to come between them.

‘’Niall, knock it off!’’

‘’You diss him again and I’ll fucking end you!’’

Harry manages to get up from on top of Louis. He's pulling him to his feet when Eddie enters the room, followed by Michael and Callum.

‘’I want Ash out of here,’’ Harry tells Eddie loudly, hand tight, clutching Louis’ fingers. The boys come between Ash and Niall, everyone talking at the same time. ‘’I said I want him fucking out of here!’’

‘’You think you’re better than me?’’ Ashton roars, Luke and his two girls holding him back. ‘’Huh, rock star? You get to come in here with your fucking sugar baby and nobody says a word but I do it and I’m a fucking out-cast?’’

‘’That’s it, you’re out of this show!’’ Eddie snaps and has Paul and Preston pull Ashton out of the room. ‘’I’m getting Josh in here. He’ll be doing the set with you guys.’’

‘’Eddie…’’ Luke tries.

‘’Enough!’’ Eddie shouts. ‘’I’ve had enough with your tantrums and your drama!’’

‘’He fucking started it!’’ Niall yells.

‘’I don’t give a shit!’’ Eddie yells back. ‘’There are cameras everywhere and if one reporter out there catches a single word about ‘The Rogue’ having a dispute, I will end all your partners’ back-stage passes, you hear me?’’

No one says anything to that because they know the threat is real.

‘’Fucking rock bands,’’ Eddie mutters before he leaves the room, slamming the door shut.

‘’What a jerk,’’ Niall mutters before he pulls Hailee with him back to his seat.

‘’Thanks, Niall.’’ Harry says quietly.

‘’No problem, bro.’’ Niall says before he looks behind him. ‘’Lou, you okay?’’

Harry looks back, almost forgotten about him and sees Louis looking distraught.

‘’Baby, you okay?’’ Harry asks, holding his face between his hands.

‘’Why does he hate me so much?’’ Louis asks him, eyes big and teary.

‘’He’s a piece of shit, Louis. Don’t listen to a word he says.’’ Harry consoles him.

‘’But why did he say that? What does he know about me?’’ Louis asks, a hint of panic in his voice.

‘’Look, it has nothing to do with you.’’ Zayn says, overhearing the conversation. Give it to Zayn not to lose his cool even after what just happened or maybe they did really have a long history of drama for it to not faze Zayn anymore.

‘’What do you mean?’’ Louis asks, pulling out of Harry’s clutches, arms folded over his chest.

‘’Look, he was caught leaving a night club a couple of years ago, his hand down another boy’s pants and drunk out of his mind. It was mayhem and he was charged for public indecency. Paps killed his name.’’

‘’But…’’ Louis says, looking back at Harry.

‘’No, there’s no comparison.’’ Zayn says sternly. ‘’He may be bi but he was also really reckless and irresponsible. He wasn't even single at the time.’’

‘’He was really fucking high that night and he’d publicly cheated on his girlfriend who’s a Hollywood sweetheart.’’ Callum continued.

‘’An actress?’’

‘’Yeah, a TV star.’’ Harry says quietly before he gets back in the arm chair with Louis seated beside him. ‘’She was really nice; she didn’t deserve what Ash put her through.’’

‘’Oh,’’

‘’Since then, he’d been causing all sorts of trouble because management was breathing down his neck. It’s nothing personal.’’ Zayn concludes. ‘’For what it’s worth, I hope this kicks him out of the band for good.’’

''Zayn, don't say that...'' Luke says quietly.

‘’No, that’s horrible.’’ Louis whines. ‘’I don’t want to be the reason for that!’’

‘’Louis, we can always find another drummer.’’ Michael says. ‘’Josh is really good and he’s clean. There’s no risk of him getting on stage high or drunk.’’

‘’Has…has that happened before?’’ Louis asks innocently and they all just laugh, like they’re in on a joke.

''We're a rock band, remember?'' Michael smirks.

''Shit,'' Louis says, eyes wide. ''But like...''

‘’Trust me, you don’t wanna know.’’ Niall snorts.

The boys all return to their usual conversations after that so Harry tunes them out.

‘’I’m sorry, baby.’’ Harry tells Louis, rubbing his palm up and down his arm. ‘’Why are you shaking?’’

‘’Nothing, I just can’t believe what happened.’’ Louis says, concern still etched on his face.

Before Harry can say anything, a lady with a headset opens the door and announces that its show time.

‘’I didn’t make your tea,’’ Louis says, frustrated.

‘’It’s okay, I don’t care about that.’’ Harry says. He leads Louis outside where he and the boys start gearing up with their in-ears and mic packs.

‘’Here, let me help.’’ Louis says as he places the mic pack under Harry’s shirt and clips it to the hem of his jeans.

‘’Thanks, Lou.’’ Harry says before he draws him into a secluded corner. He can hear the crowd now that they’re closer to the stage. ‘’You okay?’’

‘’I’m fine, stop fussing with me.’’ Louis chides gently.

‘’Okay, okay.’’ Harry draws him into a hug. ‘’I’m sorry about Ash. He was uncalled for.’’

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’You excited for the show?’’ Harry asks to distract him.

‘’I am,’’ Louis attempts a smile. ‘’Am I gonna watch from backstage or from down there?’’

‘’No, backstage. The VIP section is for the tours.’’ Harry informs him.

‘’Okay, this is gonna be fun.’’ Louis says when the host starts revving the crowd up. ‘’I’m excited.’’

‘’That’s the spirit.’’ Harry says, finally feeling at ease at the sight of Louis’ smile.

‘’Harry, we gotta go,’’ Paul says from behind him so he pecks Louis’ forehead one, two, three times before he joins the boys, standing in line. He tries to ignore the fact that Louis’ forehead is warm under his lips but it’s probably from the number of people backstage and how cramped the area is. He’s actually sweating a little bit too.

Someone hands him his mic and he catches Louis standing next to Hailee and Gigi. Eddie gives Louis a backstage pass that he wears around his neck.

He winks at Louis before he follows the boys to the stage.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

Throughout the set, his eyes stray a lot to the boy standing to the left of the stage, hidden behind the curtain. He sings his heart out to the audience but half his brain is with that boy, half his body is angled towards that boy and he has to apologize.

‘’I’m sorry if I seem a little bit distracted.’’ Harry announces when it’s his turn to speak to the crowd and makes it up to them by singing happy birthday to one lucky fan. Zayn and Niall laugh on stage at him. It’s nothing unusual; being the baby of the band, he’s gotten used to the teasing.

The solo segment is in the middle of their set and his is last. Zayn and Gigi are talking to DJ Khalid while Niall sings on stage. Harry looks around for his boy and realizes that Louis isn’t there.

‘’He’s not feeling well.’’ Hailee tells him when he keeps looking over people’s heads.He's taking off his shirt simultaneously and Sara their stylist, is helping him put on a new one on.

‘’What? Why?’’

‘’I don’t know. He’s resting in the dressing room.’’

Harry finishes dressing up and heads for the dressing room in quick strides.

‘’Lou?’’ he says when he barges into the room. The lights are off and he turns them on now, eliciting a groan. ‘’Lou, you okay?’’

Louis is lying down on the sofa, fetus-shaped and shivering. When Harry touches him, he notices beads of sweat lining his forehead.

‘’Hey, what are you doing here?’’ Louis asks, eyes glazed over. ‘’I’m just resting, love.’’

‘’Lou, you’re feverish.’’

‘’I think I ate something bad,’’ Louis explains, closing his eyes and curling up further. ‘’It’s just hitting me now.’’

‘’I’ll tell Eddie to get you some medicine.’’ Harry says.

‘’Don’t worry about me, it will go away by itself.’’ Louis whines, pulling at his hand.

‘’Lou, I don’t want you to end up in the hospital.’’

‘’I won’t, it’s just a stomach bug. I’m sure.’’

‘’I’m still talking to Eddie. You just rest up.’’ Harry says before kissing his forehead. ‘’God, I should’ve known. You’re way too warm.’’

‘’I’m fine,’’ Louis stresses.

‘’You’re not but you will be.’’ Harry says before he pats his side. ‘’I have to go but I’ll be back soon, okay?’’

‘’Okay,’’

He’s reluctant to leave him but he has to go or else he’ll miss his cue. He finds Paul outside and relays his message to get to Eddie before he gets on stage just in time.

The rest of the show is a blur after that. He's worried sick. When they take their final bow, he’s quick to remove all his stage gear before he runs back to the dressing room.

Louis is sitting up but he’s pressing a cold compress to the back of his neck, elbows on his knees. Hailee is fanning him with a magazine.

‘’Lou, what’s wrong?’’

‘’Hey, babe.’’ Louis looks up at him through his fringe. ‘’I’m sorry I missed your solo.’’

‘’It’s okay; there’s still tomorrow.’’ Harry placates, like he actually gives a fuck. ‘’Eddie gave you some medicine?’’

‘’Yeah, I’m feeling better.’’ Louis smiles at him but he’s still pale.

‘’Okay, we can leave now.’’ Harry tells him and helps him get up.

‘’Thanks Hailee.’’ Louis says and Hailee relieves him of the cold compress.

‘’You go ahead, I’ll take care of this.’’ She says. Harry wants to tell Niall that she’s a keeper.

‘’Bye lads,’’ Harry says to the boys after he collects his keys, wallet and cell phone. He then leaves the dressing room with Louis in tow. He dodges people left and right until he reaches the parking lot, hand clutching Louis’ wrist. When he locates his car, he goes as far as placing Louis in the passenger seat.

‘’I told you I’m fine,’’ Louis repeats when Harry even puts the seat belt on him.

‘’I heard you,’’ Harry says and closes the door before he gets into the driver’s seat.

‘’I’m sorry, I messed up your night.’’ Louis says when Harry starts driving out of the parking lot.

‘’No, Lou. Don’t say that.’’ Harry disputes. When he’s finally on the road home, he pats Louis' tummy. ‘’How are you feeling?’’

‘’Much better.’’ Louis says, reaching for his hand and keeping it in his lap.

‘’I have some soup at home. Do you want some?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Yeah, okay.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………..

‘’I was so worried,’’ Harry says, kissing Louis heatedly. ‘’So fucking worried, baby. Don’t do that to me again.’’

They’re in the kitchen making out. After they’d gotten home, they shared a perfunctory shower before Harry found the soup and started preparing a bowl for him and Louis.

Now, Louis is in his lap, the bowls of soup are empty. He’s got his legs on either side of Harry where he's sat on the chair, proving that he’s one hundred percent fine.

‘’I’m sorry I ruined everything.’’ Louis says into his lips.

‘’You didn’t, I swear you didn’t.’’ Harry says, gripping his arse, his back, his waist, touching everything.

‘’I have a surprise for you, you know.’’

‘’You do?’’

‘’Yeah, to make up for New Year, since I won’t be here with you.’’

‘’Why are you reminding me of that?’’

‘’Can I show you the surprise?’’ Louis asks when he comes up for air. ‘’It’s in the bedroom.’’

‘’Lead the way, baby.’’

Louis gets up from his lap and leads Harry upstairs to the bedroom. Harry turns on the light while Louis rifles through his bag.

‘’I hope this isn’t weird.’’ Louis says, biting his lip in nervousness.

‘’What are you hiding in there?’’

‘’Promise you won’t be weird about this, even if you don’t like it, okay?’’

‘’Baby, I won’t know unless you tell me what you’re talking about.’’ Harry says before he approaches Louis. He sits behind him on the bed, tucking his face into his neck.

‘’Well, you know how we like to kiss for hours sometimes?’’ Louis asks, looking back at him.

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry smiles, wrapping his arms around Louis’ tummy.

‘’Well, I thought we could spice it up a bit?’’ Louis says questioningly.

‘’Define spice it up a bit.’’

Louis bites his lower lip again before he takes his hand out of his bag.

‘’What do you think?’’ he asks quietly before he shows Harry the tube of red lipstick in the palm of his hand.

‘’Fuck,’’ Harry turns Louis sideways and reaches for the lipstick. It’s quite small, weightless even. When he scents it, he detects a hint of watermelon, which he told Louis was his favourite fruit after kiwis. Its bright red and the thought of kissing Louis’ lips with the matte colour on him is making him hot. ‘’You sure know how to drive me crazy, Lou.’’

‘’You like it?’’

‘’Are you kidding me?’’ Harry asks, rolling the lipstick out so he can see more of the colour. ‘’This will look beautiful on you.’’

‘’Can you put it on me?’’ Louis asks as he crosses his legs and turns around.

‘’Now? Are you up for it?’’

‘’Yeah, I mean maybe not sex but we can snog, right?’’ he looks so hopeful and Harry is eager to please him, to taste his lips.

‘’Of course we can snog.’’ Harry says before he cups Louis’ jaw gently. ‘’Hold still now.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Louis says.

‘’Part your lips a bit,’’ harry instructs, thumb under Louis’ lower lip.

Louis does as he’s told. Harry adjusts the length of the lipstick before he cups Louis’ jaw again and gently runs the lipstick on his lips.

Louis’ lips are smooth and thin, just wet enough to make the run of the lipstick slide easily. Harry notices that the lipstick has a bit of glitter on it, making Louis’ lips sparkle. It reminds him of when he’d get some cum on Louis’ lips after he blows him. The thought paints indecent images in his head.

‘’You’ve got that intense stalker look on your face,’’ Louis comments. Harry blinks, realizes he’d just been staring at Louis like a creep.

‘’You look ravishing.’’ Harry says. ‘’We’re gonna be using this again some other time.’’

‘’You got ideas?’’ Louis asks before he pops his lips.

‘’Plenty,’’ Harry murmurs before he closes the cover over the tube and throws it back in Louis' bag. ‘’Come here.’’

He slides across the bed until he’s sitting up by the headboard and drags Louis to his lap. He cups Louis’ face and starts kissing him.

He groans immediately at the feel of the lipstick on Louis and the kiss goes from sultry to dirty. Louis’ arms are a vice around him, wholly encompassing him. He’s got a fistful of Louis’ hair in his fingers while his other hand reaches down and plays with Louis’ rim over his boxers.

Louis starts grinding on him but Harry doesn’t stop kissing him, gets addicted to the taste of watermelon on his tongue. Even when the colour gets messy, he doesn’t stop.

He comes like that, sucking Louis’ red glittery lips into his mouth, playing with his tongue, exploring the roof of his mouth. When Louis’ grinding gets frantic, he lets Louis chase his high, swallows his breathy whines and frantic moans until Louis’ mouth opens wider when he comes. Harry keeps kissing him through it.

‘’I can just sleep like this,’’ Louis exhales when Harry lies down and keeps Louis on top of him. ‘’I’m too breathless to move.’’

‘’Shh, sleep time.’’ Harry just says and holds him through the night.

.......................................................................................................................................................................

When he wakes up the next morning, he traces Louis’ lips with the pads of his fingers, mesmerized by the colour.

‘’Have you bruised them again?’’ Louis asks, eyes still closed but lips quirked in amusement.

‘’I think so,’’ Harry says before he retrieves Louis’ bag with his foot and delves his hand inside it in search of the tiny tube.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Louis whines but Harry doesn’t answer, relying on his sense of touch to get that tube out. ‘’Pay attention to me.’’

‘’One second baby,’’ Harry says before he finally closes his hand around the familiar thing. ‘’Here goes.’’

Louis opens his eyes in surprise. Harry just grins at him while he continues adding a new coating to Louis’ lips.

‘’I want a good morning kiss,’’ Harry explains.

‘’I can do you one better,’’ Louis smirks like the devil when Harry’s done.

Louis blowing his morning wood with red, watermelon lips becomes one of the hottest things he has ever gotten to experience in his life.

His boy is definitely a keeper.


	8. Hospital

_All these lives that you've been taking_   
_Deep inside, my heart is breaking_   
_Broken homes from separation_   
_Don't you know it's violation?_   
_It's so wrong, but you'll see_   
_Never gonna let you take my world from me_   
_The world outside these walls may know you're breathing_   
_But you ain't comin' in_

-Daughtry, All these lives

Louis comes to the show the next day all radiant and glowing and this time, he watches the whole set.

So that his boy doesn’t stand in the wings ignored, Harry chooses to stand by the other side of the stage and sing directly towards him. That way, it looks like he’s singing to the crowd too and he won’t have to angle his body so much.

Louis mouthing every word to their songs is nothing compared to when his lips stretch to his favourite smile each time Harry sings a solo. It becomes easier after that, to sing to the crowd with the boys and then to sing to him when it’s just his voice and the music.

They fuck that night with the lights off just because they were too in a hurry to get to bed when they’d stumbled through the house. Louis was barely able to get his clothes off before he got on his hands and knees and Harry started drilling into him from behind, frantic and turned on. They fall asleep like that, with Harry pressing Louis into the mattress but when Harry wakes up a couple of hours later, it’s to Louis holding him.

He falls back asleep since it’s still way too early but the next time he wakes up, Louis’ gone. He remembers that Louis was supposed to go directly to his dad after the show instead of back to his place, so he doesn't worry. But it smarts, because he misses him already, doesn't like the feel of col sheets under his fingertips.

He stays in bed like that, deep in thought and wanting. There are times when he wants to ask Louis if he will ever introduce him to his father but he thinks about the history Louis told him about his dad, about his problems back home and thinks that maybe its Louis who should stop going to the man. But then he feels instantly guilty at the thought of Louis losing the only family he’s got left so he shuts that thought down quickly.

In the end, he just sends him a morning text to make sure Louis arrived safely home.

 _Miss you already,_ Louis replies.

And yeah, Harry knows a lot about that.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

The year ends with a bang and a series of texts exchanged between them. If Harry being away was spent in longing, being in the same country but apart from Louis is spent in patience.

He gets Louis all to himself after he returns from his dad. Since it’s too cold to go out, they mostly laze around in Louis’ apartment, catching up on TV shows and Harry teaching Louis how to cook some healthy meals.

And then, Louis’ exams draw near and he gets unofficially kicked out of the apartment. 

However, he sees Louis the day of his first final exam back in his apartment but it’s only to make him breakfast. He wishes him luck before Louis has to head to campus. He tells Louis that the band has a mini series of stadium concerts in Mexico as part of the promo tour since they didn't get enough ticket sales there so management decided for the impromptu shows to boost some more traction. He’ll be back right around the time Louis’ exam ends.

‘’You and Liam can come to all the London shows.’’ Harry tells him in the car because he's insisted on driving Louis to his exam.

‘’Yeah? He’d love that.’’ Louis tells him. He already looks stressed, with a heavy book in his lap and a thermos in his hand. ‘’I’ve never been to a stadium show before.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Is it loud?’’

‘’Really loud.’’

‘’I’m proper excited.’’ Louis says, squeezing his hand. ‘’Proper proud of you.’’

Harry parks the car all too soon and wishes he could give Louis a kiss. Unfortunately, there are people milling around, probably frantic about their exams too, heading towards their lecture halls with bulks of books in their arms, probably for a last minute review.

‘’You take care of yourself, yeah?’’ Harry says sternly. ‘’I don’t want you getting sick. I want you getting A’s instead.’’

‘’Wish me luck?’’ Louis asks. He looks really worried.

‘’You got this, babe. You don’t need luck.’’ Harry would think he’d gotten used to the pressure, being a third year engineering student but Harry wouldn’t know. Perhaps the pressure gets harder every year.

‘’Okay, I’ll see you soon then.’’

‘’Love you.’’

‘’Love you too.’’

He watches Louis leave, wondering when did his life become so domestic. But he loves it and he loves his boyfriend all the more for it.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

The band has just finished up the last of the shows in Mexico.

The high of being on stage, singing to thousands of people still strums heavily in his veins. The music was loud and on point, their vocals were in harmony. Harry had been strutting up and down the run-away, fist-pumping the air and giving his all. Its wild how his life is, how nothing can compare and coming down from that high as they run backstage doesn’t diminish the thrumming in his blood.

It’s going to be like that all tour, with more jazz, more fireworks, new songs and new set-ups. It’s gonna be absolutely crazy.

He’s given a towel as soon as he takes his ear piece and mic-pack off before he runs for the parking lot where the buses are waiting.

‘’H, a phone for you.’’ Eddie says, managing to grab his elbow at the last minute and press his phone to his palm. ‘’It sounds important.’’

‘’Are we leaving soon?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Yeah but you can take the second bus. Some of the boys want to shower before they hit a night club.’’ Eddie informs him.

‘’Okay, I’ll try to make this short.’’ He wants to go straight to his hotel and see if he can manage to skype with Louis or something. He'd rather not wait for the bus to drop the boys off at a night club before taking him to the hotel. He’s just so happy right now and he wants to share it with his boy. He’s still smiling as he enters the dressing room when he presses the phone to his ear.

‘’Hello?’’

‘’Harry, hey…’’

‘’Liam?’’

‘’Yeah, thank god. I’ve been trying to reach you.’’

‘’Is everything okay?’’ Harry asks, high quickly tinkering away.

‘’Listen, don’t freak out, okay?’’

‘’Liam, what’s wrong?’’

‘’Louis…he’s in the hospital. It’s bad, Harry.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’It’s really fucking bad. Louis’ messed up, man.’’

‘’But…’’

The room suddenly spins around him. The clothes lined on a rack, counter filled with empty cups, chargers on a coffee table, shirts on a couch, they all blur. He has to lean a hand against the wall to find his balance.

‘’I don’t know what happened,’’ Liam continues, voice unsteady. ‘’I came home and found Louis in the doorway of our apartment, shaking on the floor and like, seizing or something. I didn’t know what was happening.’’

‘’Which hospital are you in?’’ Harry asks frantically. His eyes look up when the door to the bathroom opens and he sees Michael. Luke comes into his periphery too. He didn’t know that the lad was in the room to begin with. Luke is looking at him all worried, maybe because he’s on the floor, on his knees, palm shaking on the wall.

‘’St. Mary’s hospital. It’s a block from our apartment. I called for an ambulance and…’’

‘’Did the doctors tell you anything yet?’’ Harry demands.

‘’Nothing, Harry. They’re not telling me shit. I’m freaking out, man. There was a lot of blood.’’

‘’Was he hurt? Did somebody hurt him?’’

‘’I don’t know, I don’t know…’’

‘’Harry, are you okay?’’

‘’I’m gonna call Paul.’’ He hears Michael say before the door slams.

‘’Harry, what’s going on?’’ Luke asks worriedly and when he looks up, he realizes that he’s wheezing and his face is wet. Fuck, he didn’t know he was crying.

‘’I need to go,’’ Harry says down the line. ‘’Liam, I need to go. I’ll be on a plane soon, okay? You call me when you hear anything, yeah?’’

‘’You got it, H. Please, be here soon.’’

‘’Yeah,’’

He hangs up right as Michael returns with Paul.

‘’What’s going on?’’ Paul demands.

‘’I think he got a bad phone call.’’ Luke says before he helps Harry struggle up on his feet. ‘’H, talk to us.’’

‘’I need to go back to London.’’ Harry tells Paul.

‘’What for?’’ Paul asks and then the door opens again and Eddie enters.

‘’Louis, he’s in the hospital. His room-mate said it’s really bad.’’ Harry tells Eddie. He’s the one he needs right now, the one who can book him a plane ticket home.

‘’How bad?’’ Eddie asks.

‘’What does it fucking matter how bad?’’ Harry shouts, pushing Luke off. ‘’His room-mate found him bleeding all over the floor and seizing, is that bad enough for you?’’

‘’Harry, we still have interviews to do tomorrow, can’t it wait one day?’’ Eddie asks gently and Harry just…

‘’You know what? Fuck you.’’

He pushes past Eddie and heads for the parking lot.

‘’Harry, wait, you can’t leave yet!’’

‘’Fucking watch me!’’

‘’He’s just a boyfriend for crying out loud!’’

Harry whirls around and Eddie almost collides with his back.

‘’Say that again and I’ll make sure you don’t have a job one hour from now.’’ Harry threatens. ‘’C’mon, I dare you.’’

In the end, Eddie yields and a couple of phone calls later, he’s on a plane home.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

Alberto is with him and so is a company car that’s picked them up from the airport.

He'd knocked himself out with a couple of sleeping pills the moment his head hit the headrest of his seat because he knew he’ll just be a mess the whole flight.

When he'd woken up, he'd checked his phone and found that Liam hadn’t texted or replied to any of his queries. It brought back the locking feeling in his chest, like something’s squeezing his organs, trying to siphon them out.

He’s restless in the car, leg shaking up and down. Alberto doesn’t say anything and neither does the driver, up until they arrive at the hospital.

‘’Put your glasses on,’’ Alberto instructs and Harry does so, makes sure his beanie is on low.

Harry calls Liam on his cell phone when they enter and is glad the call is picked up.

‘’I’m here,’’ Harry says in lieu of a greeting. ‘’Where are you?’’

‘’3rd floor. I’m in the waiting room.’’

Harry hangs up and Alberto follows him to the lifts.

‘’You keep it together, okay?’’ Alberto advises. ‘’I don’t want you to make a spectacle of yourself.’’

Harry nods and hopes he stays strong. Louis needs him and he needs Louis, needs him to be okay.

The lift dings and it opens to a short hallway that leads to a turn. There’s a reception desk on one side and a wide waiting area on the other. He spots Liam right away.

‘’Liam…’’

They collide in a hug.

‘’I’m so glad you’re here.’’ Liam tells him. He’s got bags under his eyes and he’s wearing night club clothes. ‘’Thought you’d take longer to arrive.’’

‘’I’m where I need to be,’’ Harry says. ‘’Any updates?’’

‘’Not much,’’ Liam shakes his head. ‘’I’m Louis’ emergency contact but all they’ve told me is that there’s been several complications and that he needs multiple blood work.’’

‘’What does that mean? And where’s his dad?’’

‘’No idea,’’ Liam shakes his head before he notices Alberto. ‘’Hi,’’

Alberto just nods his head, keeping his eyes on the people in the waiting area. He’s standing in a way that’s blocking Harry partially from view.

‘’Is there anything else? Anything at all?’’ Harry pleads, dying for information.

‘’Can we speak in private?’’ Liam asks quietly.

‘’Sure,’’

‘’The bathroom’s this way.’’ Liam leads the way and Harry follows, Alberto following them.

‘’Let me make sure it’s empty,’’ Liam says before he leaves them in the hall-way. A couple of people walk out and Harry turns his face, looking at the wall until Liam peaks behind the door and waves him in.

‘’Don’t take too long,’’ Alberto warns. ‘’It will look suspicious.’’

Harry nods before he closes the door. He knows Alberto will make sure to divert anyone who needs the bathroom away so he pays him no mind.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Harry immediately asks, taking off the sunglasses.

‘’Look, I hate myself for doing this.’’ Liam starts and he looks torn. ‘’And I know Louis will never forgive me but please understand, I have no other choice.’’

‘’What are you talking about?’’

‘’Well, you know that Louis’ not on scholarship, right?’’

‘’Okay…’’

‘’But he’s in debt, Harry. Like, big time.’’ Liam says, eyes wide and pleading. ‘’He told you about his mum? His dad’s gambling problem?’’

‘’Yeah…’’

‘’Okay, well, when they left back then, Louis’ mum took with her a lot of money, money that she found in Louis’ dad’s sock drawer. I’m talking a huge amount of money, Harry.’’

‘’How big are we talking here?’’

‘’70,000 pounds big?’’

‘’Jesus!’’

‘’Yeah and Louis’ mum, she put it all in a trust fund for Louis, which he’s used up to make sure he gets a full ride to uni. The apartment we’re living in is in my name but he bought it, bought all the furniture, everything in there is his.’’

‘’Why is it in your name?’’

‘’He didn’t want his dad to find him but he did anyway.’’

‘’Where did the money actually come from?’’

‘’It’s gambling money, Harry.’’ Liam informs him. ‘’And Louis didn’t know. He stayed with his dad till he turned 18 and then the bank called him and told him about the money. He ran away from home back in Doncaster and came here, away from his dad, took his A-levels online and applied late to school but he made it just in time.’’

‘’You think his mum…’’

‘’I think his mum knew when she found the money, knew where it came from but she took it anyway.’’

‘’Okay…’’ Harry feels like he’s missing something.

‘’Now, his dad is making Louis pay it back and he has to pay it back, Harry. His dad is involved with some really nasty people and he owes them that money but if Louis doesn’t pay it back, he can’t finish uni and his dad will be in big trouble.’’

‘’Shit.’’

‘’And he’s still got those hospital bills, Harry.’’ Liam continues. ‘’This isn’t exactly his first trip here.’’

‘’I noticed,’’ Harry nods. ‘’He’s got scars on his back.’’

‘’His dad is big on punishment.’’ Liam says with revolt. ‘’I’d kick the living shit out of him if I can but…’’

‘’How much money are we talking about?’’ Harry asks, cluing in on what Liam wants. ‘’The hospital bills?’’

‘’An accountant took me aside.’’ Liam looks sorry already. ‘’Harry, I don’t know anyone else with this kind of money. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t right but…’’

‘’How much?’’

‘’Roughly 125,000 pounds.’’

Harry nods. It’s nothing he can’t afford and he knows Louis will chew his head out but right now, he wants to make sure that Louis' dad stays the fuck away from him.

‘’Tell the accountant to give you the number of the account and I’ll have the money transferred.’’ Harry tells Liam. ‘’I can do it today.’’

‘’Fuck, you’re a saint.’’ Liam rushes and embraces him. ‘’Louis will kill us both for this.’’

‘’I don’t care.’’ He says as Liam steps back. ‘’I love him.’’

Liam looks at him like he’s grown a second head.

‘’You’re serious? I thought…’’

‘’He loves me too.’’ Harry interrupts him. ‘’He’ll forgive me. I know he will.’’

He prays that Louis will.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

A doctor pulls Liam aside right around the time Harry finishes his phone call with his lawyer and has the money transferred.

Liam gets Harry into the doctor’s office with him as soon as he's done with the call. Alberto is quick to whip up an NDA for the doctor the moment Harry insists that he meets the doctor with Liam, much to Alberto's chagrin.

‘’Have a seat, please.’’ Doctor Ashley says but Alberto remains standing by the door.

‘’It’s kind of his job,’’ Harry says in lieu of explaining. He’s teetering on the edge, sitting next to Liam in the doctor’s office, waiting to know if Louis is alright.

‘’Right,’’ the man clears his throat. ‘’Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Louis will be alright.’’

‘’And the bad news?’’ Liam asks.

‘’Well, what happened with Louis suggests the need for law enforcement.’’ The doctor says. ‘’We had to do multiple blood work as we found various traces of drugs in his system, untested drugs, some may even be lethal when taken in heavy doses.’’

‘’He was drugged?’’ Harry asks, aghast. A crippling feeling starts slithering through his veins.

‘’Yes, there’s no other explanation; there were signs all over his body of him resisting whoever drugged him, traces of broken needles and torn skin from points of entry. It’s no surprise that you found him seizing and vomiting blood.’’ The doctor tells Liam. ‘’He’s lucky he made it to the hospital just in time; with that amount of drugs, no wonder he reacted badly to their effect.’’

‘’I don’t even know how he got home.’’ Liam says, crying silently.

‘’He’s a strong one,’’ the doctor shakes his head, as if in awe before he looks down at a medical file. ‘’It’s written here that he’s been in the hospital multiple times; broken arm, pneumonia, abnormal fever, migraines, ruptured disk and a dislocated shoulder.’’

‘’He’s really clumsy,’’ Liam says quickly. It hits Harry now that Louis’ dad did all this; those scars he traced, the injuries. He wonders if Louis had lied to him about the almost car accident. He wishes he could differentiate what his dad did and what was caused by Louis' clumsiness.

‘’Right, well…I still think we need to call the police, son.’’ Doctor Ashley says before his eyes turn sad. ‘’You see, upon further check-ups, there were traces of semen on his back and in his mouth as well as traces of rubber burns in his anal canal, which indicates signs of forced sexual activities. Whoever drugged him, must’ve also abused him.’’

‘’No…’’ Harry gets up suddenly and he’d moved so fast that the chair falls over and he trips. ‘’No…’’

‘’Harry…’’ Alberto reaches for him but he pushes him away and runs out of the office for the bathroom. He knocks the door of a stall open and throws up.

His Louis is hurt, his Louis is fucking hurt…fuck!

‘’Harry! Harry!’’ Alberto helps him up, rubs his back as he continues to empty his stomach.

‘’Tell Liam to call the police,’’ he says roughly. ‘’Call them now.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………

He arranges for Louis to be transferred to the VIP wing.

He lets Liam deal with the police and the doctor’s reports as per Eddie’s demand so that his face doesn’t appear in the papers. He also pays enough money for a cot in Louis’ room so that he never has to leave him. He gives Alberto his house keys to pack him some clothes and for now, moves into Louis’ hospital room.

The significant traces of drugs they’ve found in Louis’ blood raise enough of an alarm, that it helps the police trace the sellers and the dealers. In the one week that Louis’ in coma, a huge night-club closes down town for selling illegal aphrodisiac drugs that are supposedly used to enhance sexual prowess and a new state of high, yet it causes dangerous side-effects such as minor paralysis, migraines, tremors, bouts of fever. If taken heavily, it can lead to seizures, haematemesis, which is what happened with Louis when he’d vomited all that blood and then eventually sudden death upon an over doze.

Louis had been consistently drugged with it for almost three years.

......................................................................................................................

Liam comes during visitation hours and one day, tells Harry that Louis’ dad had been arrested.

Ever since he’d found out where Louis lived, he’d been harassing him about the his trust fund until Louis told him it was empty and that all the money was gone. His dad proceeded to beat the crap out of him with his belt buckle, rupturing his disk and dislocating his shoulder.

While Louis was in the hospital recovering, his dad had visited with the lawn sharks that he’d borrowed his gambling money from and they made a deal. Louis will pay in installments or else they chop his father to pieces and throw him in some river. Louis had no choice but to comply.

But then the lawn sharks took a liking to Louis and decided to make things difficult for him. Whenever Louis’ dad asked him to visit, it’s usually code for ‘’pay-up’’ time and when he’d arrive, they’d tell him they want more, holding his dad at gun point. So, whenever Louis fails at making the payment standard they wanted, they held him down and tested the new drug on him, saying that it will be added to the cost of the money he owes. Louis had no choice but to comply with the extra payment or else his dad would be dead.

The drugs were given in small amounts but the side-effects remained. It's the cause for his clumsiness, his thinness, his migraines. Louis thought it was supposed to just be a sex drug and tried to balance his life with the abnormal symptoms as best as he could.

What happened when he’d last visited was something no one foresaw. One of the lawn sharks did his trick again. Even though Louis had brought enough money this time, the man said he wanted to triple the money, said he’s tired of not getting his money in full, not to mention the drug money Louis must also ‘’pay’’ for. He said he wanted to fuck Louis, right there in front of his dad and they’d call it even, all debts erased. Louis put up one hell of a fight, said he’d go to the police, all while they were brutalizing him and threatened them while his dad watched.

That’s when the lawn shark and his goonies decided that Louis was no longer good for business. They tortured him with needle after needle, trying to get him to tell them the number of his bank account but Louis had gone into shock. Finding him useless, they drove him back to his apartment building, broke down his door and dumped him back in the doorway as if to send a message that they knew where he lived and knew where to find him. Louis’ dad told the policemen that the drug lords were going to make him pay the money in full all over again, as compensation for Louis’ betrayal.

‘’He admitted all that?’’ Harry asks Liam, hand never stopping its motion, tracing circles at the back of Louis’ hand. He’s careful not to touch the needles and the tubes, careful not to go near the bandages around the bend of Louis’ arms and neck. They’d had to do a small brain surgery to stop the swelling in Louis’ head from the overdose. The bandages wrapped around Louis' head are enough for him to stave off on forehead kisses.

‘’Yeah, I think he’s trying to make a deal with the police.’’ Liam says. ‘’Trying to reduce his sentence.’’

‘’I hope he rots in there for life.’’ Harry grits. ‘’He never should have gambled in the first place.’’

‘’You and me both.’’

‘’Did you know?’’ Harry asks after a while.

‘’About what?’’

‘’About Louis’ dad doing this to him all these years?’’

‘’Not to this extent.’’ Liam shakes his head. ‘’I know he had a hold on Louis and that Louis is afraid of him but I didn’t know it was like this. I suspected it the moment he transferred his name on the apartment to mine. He said he plans on buying a house outside of London when he graduates anyways so I didn’t say anything. I thought he was just being a good friend, not trying to hide his whereabouts from his dad.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry sighs. ‘’But the side effects of the drugs…you’re not familiar with it?’’

‘’I really thought he was just clumsy,’’ Liam says, eyes big and honest. ‘’I thought he had a poor immune system or something. It’s what Louis’ always told me.’’

‘’Right, of course.’’ Harry sighs. Of course Louis wouldn’t want to worry Liam. ‘’Did the doctor say anything about when he’s supposed to wake up?’’

‘’He said something about an induced coma.’’ Liam answers. ‘’I think they want to make sure his head doesn’t split open or something after the surgery.’’

‘’Eloquent, Liam’’ Harry snaps.

‘’Sorry,’’ Liam flushes with regret.

They sit in silence while Harry stares at Louis, as if he could will him to get up and be okay, if he stares hard enough.

‘’You not missing out on rehearsals?’’ Liam asks.

‘’No, not that it's important.’’ Harry snorts. ‘’I’ll manage.’’

What he won’t manage is if Louis does not wake up okay.


	9. VIP room

_I want you bad, but it's done_   
_I'm bleeding out, 'cause we can't go on_   
_I want you bad, 'til I shake_   
_I want what we had, but what's broken don't unbreak_

-James Bay, Bad

Management forces him to leave the hospital for some charity event, saying he’d been spotted around the hospital and he needs to be photographed somewhere to deny the rumours. He goes when they use Louis against him, saying they’ll publish a piece about them dating if he doesn’t comply.

He shows up to the event and perfunctorily goes through the motions; smiles with the little kids and takes pictures with parents. It’s all a blur. He wants to be there when Louis wakes up, wants to be there for his boy to have a friendly face to see. Liam is not even with him, going up to Louis’ professors to make sure they email Louis’ work load and hand him anything Louis will need for the future in order to be able to catch up.

Finally, after the event is all over, Alberto takes him back to the hospital. He doesn’t have just Alberto with him. He also has two other bodyguards and someone from management to make sure that no one spots Harry as he enters from the ambulance’s parking lot and takes the service elevator to the VIP department of the hospital. It really is funny what money can buy, Harry cannot help but think. However, he also appreciates everyone’s cooperation. Soon, his relationship with Louis will go public with the way things are going and though he never minded that at all, he knows it will be harder now with what Louis has been through. He’s grateful that management understands the situation and is trying to delay the inevitable.

When he arrives, Liam is outside Louis’ hospital door, arms folded and a look of genuine worry on his face.

‘’Where have you been?’’ he asks the moment he spots Harry. ‘’You’ve been gone for hours.’’

‘’Charity event, couldn’t skip this time.’’ Harry says before he nods his head towards the door. ‘’What’s going on?’’

‘’He woke up,’’ Liam tells him.

‘’What?’’ Harry’s eyes bulge. ‘’Is he okay?’’

‘’I don’t know. He was disoriented at first and then when I explained how I found him, I also told him that I called the police. He got really quiet after that.’’

‘’Was he upset quiet or scared quiet?’’

‘’I don’t know, the nurse came in, saw that he was awake and went to fetch the doctor.’’

‘’What did Dr. Ashley say?’’

‘’Not much, he entered with the police, basically threw me out.’’ Liam says. ‘’They wouldn’t let me in when I heard Louis shouting and I don’t think they can let you in either.’’

‘’They’re still in there?’’

‘’Yeah,’’

‘’Why was he shouting?’’ Harry asks, shocked.

‘’I wish I knew but as long as Doctor Ashley is in there with him, I feel better.’’ Liam says. ‘’I hope the police aren’t being too hard on him.’’

He and Liam wait outside for what feels like a very long time. Harry feels like his stomach is eating itself out, too worried to keep it from roiling. He’s jittery and anxious, can’t help but walk up and down the corridor, feeling that vice in his chest again.

Finally, for what feels like a life time later, the door opens.

‘’Dr. Ashley,’’ Harry rushes to the man. ‘’Is everything okay?’’

‘’Oh, hello Harry.’’ Dr. Ashley says before he nods at the police who go the opposite way, headed towards the lifts. Liam follows after them.

‘’How’s Louis?’’ Harry asks.

‘’He’s a bit shaken up, which is to be expected.’’ Dr. Ashley says. ‘’He got a bit anxious inside and your friend tried to enter after I called a nurse with a sedative. It took me a while to calm him down.’’

‘’And now?’’

‘’Well, the mild sedative helped with his cooperation with the police, just to make sure he doesn’t freak out or panic. He took the news as well I could expect.’’ Dr. Ashley shrugs.

‘’The police told him about his dad? The arrests?’’ Harry inquires.

‘’Yes, they had to. They had Louis identify his assailants as well.’’ Dr. Ashley says. ‘’Not that it will matter; they should all be arrested anyways.’’

‘’He just woke up though! Isn’t that too soon?’’ Harry asks, anxiousness building in his chest.

‘’No, Harry; the sooner they get his statement, the better.’’ Dr. Ashley says kindly. ‘’You don’t want these kind of things hanging over his head and usually, this is how police work goes. His memory will be shoddy the longer time passes. At least this way, the police won’t bother him much anymore.’’

‘’Did he talk? Did he tell them?’’

‘’He did the best he could and it was enough,’’ Dr. Ashley says vaguely.

‘’And now what?’’

‘’Now is recovery time.’’

‘’Hey doc, how is everything?’’ Liam comes up behind them.

‘’All good; was just telling young Harry here how to proceed from here on out…’’ Dr. Ashely tells them.

‘’That drug won’t have long-term side effect, right?’’ Liam asks.

‘’No, but it will take a while for its effects to completely disappear considering it’s been in his system for close to three years.’’ Dr. Ashley reminds them. ‘’Therefore, he will need careful monitoring. I won’t be surprised if he has sudden migraines or gets bouts of dizziness or sudden exhaustion. It’s no wonder the weight loss as well.’’

‘’But he eats; I’ve seen him eat. He’s got good appetite.’’ Harry says.

‘’Yes there’s no problem with that, but I’m sure there are days when he just lacks the appetite or feels nauseous for no reason.’’

Harry then remembers the first show Louis attended, when he got sick backstage.

‘’Right,’’

‘’So, just make sure he doesn't go too hard on himself; I know how uni students can be. I have a son his age.’’ Dr. Ashley smiles sadly. ‘’And Louis seems like the hard-working type. He’ll just need to take it easy for a couple of weeks, that’s all.’’

‘’And the…’’ Harry cannot say it, cannot even begin to imagine it.

‘’Ah yes, I’ve given him some flyers of support groups and contact numbers of therapists who specialize in these cases.’’ Dr. Ashley says. ‘’Please encourage him to go. He’ll need it more than he thinks.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Harry looks back at the closed door, nervous.

‘’Now, you sure you want to keep talking to me and keep him waiting?’’

Harry swallows; to be fair, he’s afraid of walking through that door, afraid of how he’ll find Louis, how he’ll be able to comfort him. He’s never had to deal when anything similar before and he feels way over his head.

‘’I…’’

‘’I have reports to write,’’ Dr. Ashely says gently. ‘’Take your time, okay? You’re not responsible for his well-being but he does need as much support as possible right now. Be gentle, yeah?’’

Harry merely nods and lets the doctor pat his shoulder.

‘’Harry, I have to go,’’ Liam says, looking down at his watch.

‘’Why?’’

‘’I have lectures to attend and I need to meet up with some of Louis’ colleagues and pick up their notes.’’ Liam answers. Harry cannot fault him; Louis needs someone to take care of his affairs and not just his well-being. It’s up to Harry now to do his part. ‘’You good here?’’

''What did the cops say?'' Harry asks before h can forget.

''Oh, I asked them if Louis will need to go to court or stand trial or something and they told me it won't be necessary; his statements and the doctor's reports are enough.'' Liam informs him. ''Besides, those lawn sharks and Louis' dad have a lot of charges against them, enough for them to be put away for a really long time.''

''Good, that's good.'' Harry says, relieved that at least that aspect has been taken care of.

''You okay here?''

‘’I’ll be with him.’’ He tells Liam and watches him go with a final glance at the lifts.

He takes a deep breath and marches towards the door. He takes another one before he opens it.

………………………………………………………………………………….

Louis is sitting propped up against the bed, looking small and tired, fiddling with his IV.

‘’Hey,’’ Harry says quietly, afraid to startle him.

Louis’ vacant eyes move towards him and rest there. ‘’Hey,’’

‘’Can I come in?’’ Harry asks, aching at Louis’ scratchy voice.

Louis just nods.

Harry walks into the room until he’s beside Louis. He is silently relieved when Louis reaches for his hand.

‘’Baby,’’ Harry’s voice breaks when Louis squeezes his hand, barely any strength there. ‘’I’m sorry about…’’

‘’I don’t wanna talk about it.’’ Louis interrupts gently.

'’Okay,’’ Harry shuts up, even though he has a lot he wants to say. He wants to comfort his boy, shower him with affections.

‘’Harry…’’

‘’Yes?’’ he says eagerly, anything to get that vacant look out of Louis’ eyes.

‘’I’m not really all that clumsy, okay?’’ Louis says, blue eyes looking up, pleading and begging him to understand. ‘’But I didn’t lie to you about those hip marks or…’’

‘’Louis, I believe you. Anyone who knows you will see that.’’ Harry remembers when Louis slid on the ice when he’d met his family, has seen the way he packs his bags, the way he carries his heavy books. Louis is a beautiful mess but it’s a mess he knows about, can find a book under his bed in a heartbeat because he knows where everything is. Moreover, it's those drugs that screwed with him. Harry knows that now.

But those hip marks don’t pull at his heartstrings as much as the mark of needles on his neck, the bent of his elbows. They don’t compare to the marks he traced on Louis’ back.

‘’I lied to you.’’ Louis says, ashamed.

‘’I understand, Lou…’’ Harry realizes now what Louis was doing when he said he had to visit his dad. To think that he was being hurt right under his nose, that the first time he saw him in that café, having a migraine, was drug-induced and that Louis didn’t want any part of it. It kills him inside.

‘’I’m so sorry,’’

‘’Lou, it’s really, okay. Please believe me when I tell you that it’s not your fault.’’ Harry pleads with him. ‘’And what those vile people did…’’

‘’I don’t wanna talk about it.’’ Louis says hurriedly, diverting his eyes away. ‘’They’ve done enough.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Harry rubs Louis’ fingers with the pad of his thumb. He wants him to calm down a bit because Louis doesn’t look calm. His eyes stray to the pamphlets and leaflets on the table beside Louis’ bed and he wonders when it will be a good time to bring it up.

‘’Do you know how I got the money to pay back my debts to them?’’ Louis asks.

‘’No, you never told me.’’

‘’I did,’’ Louis pulls his hand away here, goes back to fiddling with his IV. ‘’I slept around.’’

‘’You…’’ Harry feels like choking. ‘’What?’’

‘’I stopped when we started dating.’’ Louis says, words quiet, almost a whisper. ‘’One guy in the night club thought I was a prostitute, said I was too good-looking not to be charging and I just…I let him believe I was. Easiest money I ever made.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Harry doesn’t know what to say that.

‘’He complemented me a lot and I thought, I liked the guy, he liked me back, the sex was good and we didn’t want anything attached the next day. Aside from the exchange of money, it was…fun.’’

‘’Louis, why are you bringing this up?’’ Harry asks carefully.

‘’Because I want you to know,’’ Louis says. Harry wants to lift his chin, wants to see his eyes, wants to know why Louis is talking like he cheated on him. ‘’I needed the money and one night stands and a little agreement didn’t seem so bad when both parties were getting what they wanted, you know? I was getting my stress fucked out of me, they were happy to fuck me and never see me again. If I just so happen to get paid for it by someone willing and disappear the next day, it was like it never happened.’’

‘’Oh Lou,’’ Harry says, pained. ‘’That’s…’’

‘’That’s stupid, I know. And I’m glad I stopped. I had the feeling I was starting to turn into a hooker.’’ Louis interrupts. ‘’And I think about that and about what happened…’’ he stutters. ‘’And I think maybe it should’ve been a sign. I deserve what happened to me.’’

‘’That is bullshit!’’ Harry snaps. ‘’That’s irrelevant, Louis!’’

‘’Why?’’ Louis looks up at him here. ‘’There is not one good thing I did in my life, Haz. I could’ve returned that money, I should’ve known my mum would never be able to get her hands on something like that without something fishy going on but I refused. I chose to sleep around for cash because I valued my education more than my dad!’’ Louis nearly yells before his eyes turn irrevocably sad. ‘’And if it wasn’t because I loved you, I would have never stopped to find another way. I couldn’t hurt you like that.’’

‘’Then stop punishing yourself,’’ Harry says, cupping his face and heart breaking at the sight of Louis’ tears spilling over his fingers. ‘’You don’t deserve what happened to you! You were desperate and you were dealing with dangerous people. You chose to do what was best for you in a situation where no one cared about putting you first.’’

‘’Harry, I’m sorry….’’ Louis pulls his hands away, keeps his head down as he grips his blanket.

‘’What for?’’

‘’I wanna break up.’’

Harry feels the floor move out from underneath him.

‘’W-what?’’ Harry stutters.

‘’I wanna break up with you.’’

Harry fish-mouths at him. When Louis’ tilts his head up, his eyes are unrelenting, teary but steady on him.

‘’Why?’’

‘’I don’t ever want to go public with you.’’ Louis says quietly. ‘’Don’t want people to find out about me, about what I did, about what happened to me.’’

‘’Louis, that will never happen.’’ Harry is quick to assure him. ‘’You take as much time as you need and I’ll wait for as long as you want me to, I…’’

‘’It’s not fair to you.’’ Louis exhales. ‘’Because no amount of time will be long enough, I won’t ever want a camera in my face, ever.’’

Harry feels like gravity had doubled its hold on him, feels like falling into an abyss.

‘’I can make sure that doesn’t happen, Lou.’’ Harry says desperately. ‘’It’s okay; what you want, I want…’’

‘’Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’’

‘’But I love you.’’ Harry tells him, tears springing out. His eyes are wide and frightened, because he keeps falling and it’s like there’s no end in sight.

‘’I love you too.’’ Louis says, eyes tired, tired, tired. ‘’but I can’t do this anymore.’’

‘’Do what? Louis, stop being strong for once! I’m here for you. I love you.’’ Harry wants to shake his shoulders, wants to hold his face again and make him see, make him aware that he’s here in the flesh, that he can fix things if he’ll only let him.

‘’Please understand; I’ve got no strength left.’’ Louis’ eyes turn into liquid azure; a tear running down the length of his nose and falling off his chin. ‘’So if you love me, you’d let me go, because it's what I want and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I just can’t do this, love. I can’t be beside you, I can’t be a part of your lifestyle because I will not hold you back from your career, okay? I won't do that to you and I know that it’s not your fault; your success is not your fault so don’t blame yourself, okay?’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry tries to reach for his hand but Louis slides away, almost to the edge of the bed.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis says, clutching the blankets again. ‘’Please leave before the paps find out. You're not obligated to be my boyfriend anymore.’’

‘’Lou, this isn’t right.’’ Harry shakes his head at him. ''Stop protecting me.''

''Please listen to me.''

‘’I can’t leave you like this.’’

‘’I’m going to ask you one last time.’’ Louis looks at him, chin shaking and chest heaving, like he’s trying to hold himself back from wailing. ‘’Please leave me alone. I don’t want you here anymore.’’

Harry feels like he can’t breathe; laughs once out of shock, like he couldn’t control the muscles on his face but Louis is dead serious. He knows his face is a mess, knows that Louis can see what he’s doing to him and yet, the thought of his presence hurting Louis makes him feel sick.

‘’I’ve said my peace, Harry. Please…’’

‘’I…’’

‘’Goodbye, Haz.’’ Louis says before he turns on his side, his back facing Harry.

Harry feels globs of tears falling off his chin. No matter how fast he blinks, his eyes meet the sight of Louis’ back to him. The silence gets so stifling but Louis does not move at all, not once, even though he’s still standing there, like he’d been rooted in his place out of shock.

The hand on the clock marks the passing of another minute and the sound, the tick of it makes it feels so final, like the decision’s been made for him.

He leaves the room without another word.


	10. The Rayman, Nashville

_Tail lights and runways_   
_We put on a brave face_   
_We write down the details to make us feel safe_   
_Cold on the mattress_   
_Sad and alone_   
_I think it's ten thousand minutes 'til I get home_

-James Bay, break my heart right

In a state of drunken rage that night, he tries calling Louis again and again until he realizes that maybe Louis doesn’t have his phone on him, at least not yet. So, he calls Liam but Liam doesn’t pick up the phone, not once.

He drinks himself to oblivion.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

The next day, Liam texts him and tells him that he’s sorry too. He says he needs to focus on what Louis wants for now but tells him that he hates it too, begs him to give it some time.

Harry drinks himself into another stupor. 

…………………………………………………………………………………

He asks for regular updates the following days from Liam and lives on them. He begs for them until Liam tells him that Louis found out he’s texting him. He tells him that Louis had tried throwing Liam’s phone at the wall in a fit so Liam apologizes and says he’ll try to text when he can, when it won’t upset Louis so much.

Harry stops bothering him though, doesn’t want Louis to be agitated because of him.

He drinks himself black-out drunk some more because it feels like he gave up too easy. He should’ve fought harder, should’ve thought that Louis can’t be thinking straight. After all, Harry’s not the one traumatized here. He should’ve been driving back to the hospital and telling Louis that he can damn well text Liam any time he wants but the thought of Louis turning his back on him again makes him sick. He throws up all over himself after emptying a bottle of Jack Daniels, hands wandering across the bed only to realize that Louis’ scent is gone from his sheets.

……………………………………………………………………………………

If not for Alberto, he wouldn't have been able to drag his arse to rehearsals. If not for Alberto, he'd have been out there buying liquor because all his bottles are empty and gone. So he borrows some weed from Zayn and gets as high as a fucking kite every night in his living room floor.

He goes to the studio after Eddie throws him in the shower when he doesn’t go to the last day of rehearsals. They had to cancel it upon his absence and change plans.

Zayn and Niall are sent the studio too, in order to record acoustic versions of their new solo singles for the band’s YouTube channel. When they find out what happens, they get high with him and buy some beers.

Harry finds himself sat in front of the piano, mumbling words sprouted from the alcohol in his veins and the weed in his hand.

It just…how did things end so abruptly? One minute, he’s riding a high of a show and the next he’s getting a phone call that’s turned his whole world upside down. One minute, Louis is okay and telling him ‘’I love you’’ down the line on repeat, whispering the words like a constant reminder a continent away and the next, he’s turning his back on him. That sight of Louis’ back to him will haunt him forever.

The worse part about it all is that Louis didn’t fall out of love with him, didn’t say he didn’t love him anymore. When Harry is deeper in his drunken haze, he sometimes thinks they broke up over nothing. But then Harry feels guilty because that only means he doesn’t understand and it’s not right. Despite the pain of it all, it's not right to invalidate Louis’ feelings just because he’s hurt. Even now, he knows that Louis doesn’t mean to hurt him and it kills him that he can't be there for him, was barred from comforting him.

He tries to convince himself he did nothing wrong but Harry feels guilty all the same, guilty for not being good enough, for not being worth the fight, for not giving Louis enough reason, enough trust, that everything will be alright against all odds. For the first time ever, he curses his rock star status, like it's the bane of his existence.

And then he feels like trash, for shrugging all the good work the band has done, for blaming the failure of his relationship on his dreams. He hates himself also for making it sound so easy in his head, for thinking he has any idea what Louis had been through and that maybe Louis knew that and decided to spare him the inevitable failure of realizing he cannot fix everything. Louis had always been way smarter than him, an educated boy and he’s but a celebrity that barely finished his A-levels.

It’s a vicious cycle of trying not to blame Louis for not giving him a chance and blaming himself for not being worth that chance. He doesn’t know who to blame, doesn’t know where to vent his frustrations to, doesn’t know how to make things right, so he does the one thing he’s good for and that’s singing.

The words spilling out of his lips are hazy and gibberish but soon they turn into songs. He drowns in blue eyes, drowns in thoughts of the boy he still loves even after said boy tore his heart out, even after he pushed him away….

Ever since he left the hospital, it’s like gravity had been pulling at him extra hard and the feeling of falling into a black hole, drowning into nothing as their band soared higher while he sunk lower, kept sinking its claws on him.

He finds himself sleeping over in the studio those last few days before tour and the boys leave him to it. Management even puts a bodyguard on the clock to watch him. Julian, Jamie and Tyler even pass by at random times of the day with food and drinks. They probably think he’s on a creative roll or something and they want to milk it.

Harry doesn’t care. He just needs to keep writing to stop himself from falling, from drowning.

If he writes, then Louis is alive in the words he spills on paper.

If he writes, then what he had with Louis was real.

If he writes, then he knows it wasn’t him that ruined everything, even though it feels like he did anyways.

If he writes something good, something worthy of praise, then he’s still needed. His ramblings and chopped-up lyrics turn out to be something worthy of a record, something worthy of notice and when he’s asked for more, it means that somebody still cares about what he has to offer, that somebody understands what he felt for Louis, what he still feels.

He writes because he cannot stop loving Louis. It makes the feeling of drowning in a room, gasping his last breath…all go away.

………………………………………………………………………………………

Tour starts and it’s a good distraction. He has to be back in the gym, back in shape, back in his skinny jeans for the band songs and Gucci suits for the solo segments, back in a world that Louis thought he could not be a part of. It makes Harry, for the first time, hate the stage a little.

But then he sings the songs he wrote and the stage comes alive again. It becomes his sanctuary, his haven, his remote island where no one can touch him. He sings about feelings that were real, are still real and the stage does not guide him away to sit him down for bad news or tell him to leave, back turned away.

_//Shadows come with the pain that you're running from  
Love was something you've never heard enough_

_Yeah, it took me some time but I figured out  
How to fix up a heart that I let down_

_Now I'm searching every lonely place  
Every corner calling out your name  
Tryna find you but I just don't know  
Where do broken hearts go?//_

He tries one last attempt to call Louis, up lifted a little bit by the positive energy that comes from singing on stage.

The call goes to voice mail and is never returned back.

………………………………………………………………………………………..

The crowd cheers when Ariana Grande comes out and sings with him. It’s the end of the London shows and she’s in town. Harry is glad he gave her that song but some of the lyrics choke him up, hitting too close to home;

_//And I'll still be a fool, I'm a fool for you//_

He thinks about Louis and wonders if he’s okay, if he’s recovering, wonders if Louis could ever love him again, be with him again. They made it apart before, with scars sure but they made it, they found their way back to each other by some twist of fate. If there is ever another chance for them, Harry will give into it and throw his heart at Louis’ feet, even if Louis cannot give him as much as he did before and he knows, he knows he held Louis’ heart in its entirety in his hands, felt how it pulsed under his fingertips, felt it whole and all encompassing. He knows because Louis did the same with his; cradled his heart gently, softly and cared for him in ways he never thought was possible. He wonders, if they'll ever hold each other’s hearts again, if their palms will be too big of a fit, if there’s anything left to hold.

_//Just a little bit of your heart  
Just a little bit of your heart  
Just a little bit of your heart is all I want  
Just a little bit of your heart  
Just a little bit of your heart  
Just a little bit is all I'm asking for//_

……………………………………………………………………………………

In Texas, he surprises the fans with a cover song at the end of his solo segment. It’s been arranged that each boy will do a cover for the Texas show, since they’ll be there for three nights in a row (He can't believe they sold it out) and they want to spice things up a bit by singing a different cover each night. It’s an extra strain on their vocal chords but it’s nothing new for them.

While Niall and Zayn are backstage, getting dressed for their solo segments, Harry is handed a guitar to sing with. It’s not supposed to mean anything but every song he plays reminds him of Louis, even if it’s just a word there or a lyric here, they all blur together into reminders of words whispered between the sheets, promises and adoration whispered between heavy kissing and skin painted with affections…

_//I don't get no sleep  
I don't get no peace//_

The second night is even worse because it’s a personal favourite of his, a song he’d sung to Louis in the showers before, crooned it into his ear while he peppered kisses at the back of his neck.

_//You're still the one that I love  
The only one I dream of//_

Now, those words just break his heart.

_…………………………………………………………………………………….._

When management asks that he sing, ‘’If I could fly’’ with the guitar on the last Texas show instead of ''sign of the times'', he agrees. They put it on the set list as a band song and now they want to change it up and add another band song and have him sing it as a solo song instead.

He knows it’s a song he’d like to share to the fans in its acoustic version live so he does it, even with his heart in his mouth. But when they ask him to sing the new song, the one he wrote in a drunken haze at the end of the solo segment, as a surprise for the fans, he hesitates at first before he sucks it up, tries not to show how two and a half months later and Louis is still all he thinks about, all what he writes about. For all that he’s still hurting, like every other song he’s sung, he sings this one for him too;

_//What if I'm down?  
What if I'm out?  
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?  
I'm fallin' again  
I'm fallin' again  
I'm fallin'_

_And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again_

_What am I now?  
What am I now?  
What if you're someone I just want around?  
I'm fallin' again  
I'm fallin' again  
I'm fallin'//_

The cheers of the fans are so loud and that’s when he realizes that he’s crying on stage.

‘’If anyone got a record of that,’’ he tries to laugh it off, wiping his eyes with a towel. ‘’Just delete it, yeah?’’

………………………………………………………………………………………

‘’I know why I remember him now,’’

Harry looks up from his phone. They’re in the tour bus in San Francisco, nearing the end of the US tour. It’s been three months since he’d seen Louis, three months since he’s spoken to him. And he realizes that Ashton’s probationary period is up.

He’s been behaving rather well lately and maybe because of the fear that Josh will replace him soon if he doesn’t get his shit together. He’s been more subdued lately and more of the boy he once was, the boy that could light up a whole stage with his drumming skills.

‘’Who?’’

‘’Louis, I’ve seen him before.’’ Ashton says quietly. Harry ignores his phone for now and looks around the tour bus. They’re in the parking lot and Harry’s preferred the solitude of the bus rather than the hype of the dressing room, choosing his hotel rooms and lonely nights rather than bar hopping with Niall or clubbing with Zayn and the lads.

He’s been no fun lately, they tell him but he doesn’t care and they eventually leave him be.

It’s also been months since he and Ashton spoke alone.

‘’Before what?’’

‘’Before you brought him over to the studio.’’

Harry studies his face, notices the clean-shaven skin and the gel-free hair, the nervousness in his hands. He's twiddling his thumbs together, sitting at the end of the couch where Harry is sitting up horizontally.

‘’You mentioned a party,’’ Harry says, remembers that awful day in the studio, Louis on the floor and Niall with his arm against Ashton’s neck.

‘’Yeah, it was at some night club, was there for a birthday party. Half the place, the top floor was booked for it and I remember how crowded the bar was so I went to the first floor to get a drink, because I couldn’t wait and well….’’

‘’What?’’

‘’Kaitlin and I were arguing so I needed some space. Anyways,’’ Ashton clears his throat. ‘’I was sat at the bar when I saw him. He was cute.’’

Ashton looks up at him here, as if gauging his reaction. Harry is too tired to be territorial or to say anything about it so he just looks at him.

‘’An older guy was sending him drinks across the bar. I was curious so I sat and watched. Louis, he seemed shy and he turned down the drinks, pointing at his own until the man came up to him, sidled right next to him.’’

‘’Was Louis there alone?’’

‘’No, I heard him say he was there with a friend but he wanted to rest for a bit, said he was there to unwind, had things on his mind.’’ Ashton says. ‘’He was very polite and I can tell the older guy was charmed by him.’’

Harry wants to stop Ash from talking, wants to stop imagining Louis in that setting that Ashton is painting for him, doesn’t want to lose control and ask a zillion questions like what was Louis wearing, how did he have his hair styled. Was he tired? Was he smiling prettily at that man? Did he have crinkles by his eyes? Was he fluttering his eye lashes? Did he let him cup a feel on the dance floor later?

‘’And apparently the older man was so besotted,’’ Ashton continues and Harry can’t help but hone his senses on him. ‘’He slipped into Louis’ hand some bank notes and whispered in his ear something that made Louis flinch?’’

Harry swallows. He knows where this story is going but he doesn’t stop Ashton from talking.

‘’What did Louis say?’’

‘’I’m not sure but at first he laughed it off.''

''Okay...''

''And then the older man said something along the lines of, ‘you should be flattered’. Louis seemed like he was too speechless to say anything. And then, this look came over his face.’’ Ashton frowns. ‘’Like, a scared look mixed with a decided one. He then grabbed the drinks the man offered him one by one and finished them all in one go before he said something that made the man smile at him and then they left.’’

‘’Just like that?’’

‘’Yeah, he didn’t even tell his friends or anything, he just left but I remember he looked right at me.’’ Ashton says, sitting back on the couch and looking at Harry. ‘’He had this disbelieving look in his eyes, like maybe he was surprised that no one stopped them, no one said anything. I don’t even understand what exactly happened but yeah, that’s what I remember.’’

‘’You’ve been to hundreds of parties, Ash. How come you remember him so well?’’

‘’It’s the eyes, man.’’ Ashton chuckles. ‘’Have you seen your boy’s eyes?’’

Harry knows his boy’s eyes, knows what it’s like to drown in them. Knows what it’s like to know exactly what Louis is thinking just by one look in his eyes.

‘’He’s not my boy anymore,’’ Harry says, looking out the window, drawn by the noise. Luke and Michael and Niall are outside, playing footie.

‘’What happened?’’

‘’Why all of a sudden the interest?’’ Harry asks, looking back at Ashton.

‘’It’s just…I didn’t believe it at first when the boys said something about it.’’ Ashton replies. ‘’I thought they were playing with me and then these past few months…it’s like you’re not here, man. You get this far away look in your eyes and you only come alive on stage. You cry every time you sing that song and…’’

‘’And what?’’ Harry grits.

‘’I just hope I had nothing to do with it.’’ Ashton says, eyes honest and sad. ‘’I didn’t mean to make things difficult. I didn’t mean to be awful to him or you. I…I’m trying here, man.’’

‘’You’re only worried about your fucking contract.’’ Harry says and then regrets it instantly.

‘’Maybe,’’ Ashton shrugs. ‘’But I know loss when I see it. I know it because it reminds me of what I had with Kaitlin and maybe what we had doesn’t compare because I’m not that much bummed about it anymore. I know I fucked that up but what you and Louis had, it looked legit, man. It looked like you guys had the real deal…’’

‘’What are you trying to say here?’’ Harry says tiredly.

‘’I’m saying do what you preach,’’ Ashton says simply. ‘’You love ‘’love’’ and you love Louis. Go after him, make things right.’’

‘’It’s not that easy,’’

‘’Dude, we’ll be back in London soon, like two days from now. We’ll be there for a month before the European tour.’’ Ashton reminds him. ‘’And if management doesn’t give me a second chance, this might be the last time we talk and I’d rather advise you to get Louis back than to beg you for a rep with management. That’s how much I think what you had matters.’’

Harry cannot help but look at him and wonder if someone out there is trying to send him a sign, a reminder that Louis’ problems are bigger than his own yes but it does not invalidate his own feelings either. He gets to have a say, he gets to fight for him. Louis cannot take that away from him.

‘’Thanks, Ash.’’ Harry says when he sees the drummer leaving.

‘’It’s nothing, mate.’’

‘’Hey,’’ Harry calls when Ashton opens the door.

‘’What?’’

‘’I’ll see you soon,’’ Harry smiles at him. Ashton gives him one last look before he snorts and shakes his head at him.

‘’Yeah,’’ he gives Harry a mock salute before he descends the bus.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

For all that he’s made up his mind; he stays in bed all day long after he arrives back in London, alternating between Netflix and dozing off his jet lag. The next day, he keeps himself busy, does his laundry, cleans his house, cooks a big massive meal enough for ten people and then he realizes that he lives alone so he has no one to share the food with. Mind made up, he packs up the food in Tupperware containers and drives around until he google searches for a homeless shelter on his phone and goes to deliver the food to one of the volunteer workers there.

He was hoping not to get recognized but someone snaps a photo of him while he’s getting back in the car. He curses himself for not wearing sunglasses at least.

It’s late by the time he’s home and he’s tired from all the cooking. It didn’t even occur to him to keep some of the food for himself and now he’s hungry. He orders Chinese food take-away, eats it while talking to his mum on the phone.

The thing is, he’s nervous. He doesn’t want to be rejected again and that image of Louis turning his back on him still haunts his every waking moment. What if he infringes on Louis’ recovery? What if his fame really does tear them apart?

What if Louis had moved on?

His thoughts swirl and swirl in his head so he takes a couple of sleeping pills and goes to sleep early.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s 9 am and someone is buzzing at the gate. It’s been a week since he’s arrived back on English soil. Since then, he’s kept himself as busy as possible; hitting up Nick Grimshaw for the opening of a new art gallery in town, going shopping with Gemma when she comes up for a day, accepting an invitation for lunch at James Cordon’s house and avoiding any talks about Louis with Niall and Zayn when they organise a group outing.

You see, he’s got a plan, yeah? He’s got a plan and it involves Liam and it involves maybe flowers…it involves a lot but he’s got a plan. He’s just waiting for the right moment, you know…

Mostly he’s trying not to be afraid.

And in order to divert that fear, he’s decided to spend some money. He’s been expecting a painting to be delivered to his house since the art gallery outing. Now, he buzzes the gate open while he’s brushing his teeth, having had to run out of the bathroom when he heard the sound.

He finishes up quickly, wipes his face with the back of his hand and rushes to open the door when he hears the bell ring.

‘’Hey, I’m so….’’

The words die in his mouth when he sees Louis, hand half-way towards the door bell, probably about to ring again.

‘’Hi,’’ Louis say, voice soft.

He looks…it’s been three months and seeing him now, in the flesh, makes a rush of déjà vu hit him, memories of that day in Louis’ apartment; the hug, Louis’ sweatpants, Louis’ comment about his height, him drowning in Louis’ eyes.

It’s been three months and the feeling of falling had never stopped, even now.

‘’Hi…’’ he says back, throat suddenly dry. He feels parched, like Louis had sucked the air out of the room.

Louis keeps looking at him and he wonders if he’s being analysed too. He’s only wearing basketball shorts and a grey hoodie and Louis is as soft as that day he returned his phone, in comfy-looking sweatpants and a baggy blue hoodie. Even his hair looks soft.

‘’You look well,’’ Louis says.

‘’Um…’’

‘’I’m sorry, I…’’ Louis swallows; eyes lowering to somewhere on his chest. ‘’I saw on twitter that you were back. Someone posted a picture and...I wanted to visit.’’

‘’Yeah…’’ Harry’s never felt awkward around Louis like this, like they can’t even dance around each other and Harry doesn’t know what to make of that. ‘’Would you like to come in?’’

‘’Yes, please.’’ Louis says and waits for Harry to move aside so that he can enter. Harry closes the door and waits for Louis to take off his shoes before he follows him to the living room. Louis sits down gently on the sofa.

‘’Would you like some tea?’’ Harry asks.

‘’Okay,’’

Harry hurries the fuck out of there.

………………………………………………………………………………………

He’s pretty sure his exit was not subtle, especially after he closes the kitchen door rather loudly.

He finds himself gripping the edge of the sink hard, trying not to drown, trying to breathe, trying to stop the feeling of falling into that unknown abyss of uncertainty eat at him.

He breathes in and out, closes his eyes and breathes through his nose before he calms down. He thinks of all those techniques his therapist told him about, about fighting a bout of anxiety and slowly, slowly, his mind clears.

He’ll admit it now, he’s afraid of Louis, afraid of having his heart broken again, afraid of saying something that will take them another step back from where they are, and where they are now is not where he wants to be.

He wants to be brave.

He wants to be with Louis again.

His therapist had told him to have goals, keep them always at the forefront of his mind and adjust his life to aim for that goal.

That goal a month ago was to stop feeling sorry for himself.

That goal after his talk with Ashton was to get Louis back.

He steadies himself and starts preparing two cups of tea. He keeps his mind blank, doesn’t think about Louis’ reason for being here. With sheer force of will, he manages to bring their tea out with steady steps.

‘’No sugar, right?’’ he asks, just to break the ice. It’s not like he’ll ever forget how to prepare Louis’ cuppa.

‘’Yes, thank you.’’ Louis says when Harry puts one mug on the coffee table in front of Louis before he takes a seat in the arm chair further away from him. He wants to give Louis space.

It’s only after he’s sat down with his mug that he realizes how rigid Louis’ posture is, how hunched his shoulders are. His legs are pressed together, hands beside his knees, gripping the cushions under him and keeping his head down.

‘’How’ve you been?’’ Harry asks carefully.

‘’Busy as usual,’’ Louis says, tries to shrug but it comes off stiff. ‘’Exams and all.’’

‘’New professors?’’

‘’A couple, yeah.’’

‘’As tough as the others?’’

‘’No, not really.’’

‘’I see.’’

Harry takes a sip and tries not to drown in his seat from the stilted conversation.

‘’Liam played me your new song.’’ Louis informs him. No matter how hard Harry tries to catch his eyes, Louis keeps his head down firmly.

‘’Which one?’’

‘’The um…the one you cry in?’’ Louis says, like he’s not sure if he should have said that. ‘’I saw videos and stuff…’’

‘’It’s an emotional song,’’ Harry hedges, tries not to break his mug with how tight he’s holding it. ‘’Gets me every time…don’t know why.’’

‘’Liam also told me that you paid for my medical bills.’’ Louis says in a rush.

It takes a while for Harry to form an answer to that so he finishes his tea first. After that, he sets his mug on the table and then, he sits back.

‘’You don’t owe me anything, Lou…if that’s what you’re here for….’’

‘’I’m here because Liam said you told him I loved you and that you were sure I’d forgive you.’’ Louis interrupts gently. ‘’You were so sure of me and I let you down.’’

Harry notices Louis’ shoulders are shaking.

‘’Lou…’’

‘’I made promises to you,’’ Louis says, voice shaking, like he’s in shock. ‘’And I broke all of them. I hurt you because I was afraid. I blamed you for everything, I took everything out on you…I…’’

‘’Love, stop…’’

‘’I ruined us.’’ Big fat tears spill out of Louis’ big, wide eyes when he looks up at him. ‘’And you were the one good thing in my life and I ruined us.’’

Harry gets up and gets on his knees in front of him. Louis’ eyes are spilling tears like a waterfall, forming pools on his calves. His back is almost bowed from how ashamed he is, like he’s something horrible and Harry cannot stand the sight of all that guilt.

‘’Lou, that’s not true,’’ Harry says firmly, trying to catch his eyes but Louis tucks his head into his chin, eyes covered by his messy fringe. ‘’Baby, look at me…’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Louis gasps, chest heaving like he can’t breathe. His hands come up, covering his eyes. His back bows further until his head is tucked into his knee, arms folded between them, elbows digging into his ribs. ‘’I’m so sorry…’’

‘’Lou…’’

But he keeps muttering apologies until he just dissolves into terrible sobbing, sound sore and ripping through his chest, like someone’s strangling his lungs.

‘’Lou, you can’t breathe like that.’’ Harry tries not to panic but Louis is falling apart and he has to do something. He tries pulling at his arms but it’s like Louis’ muscles are all locked up. ‘’Louis!’’

There’s no getting through to him and Harry’s worry hits the roof. Without much thought into it, he gets one arm under Louis’ knees and carries him off the couch and unto his lap as he sits back on the floor.

‘’Louis, just breathe, Please, just breathe.’’ He begs. He pushes Louis’ head against his shoulder, keeps it there, moves his other hand across the expanse of Louis’ shaking back. ‘’Baby, you hear me?’’

He doesn't. The sobbing gets rougher, more panicky and shallower. Harry hopes he’s not being too rough with him when he pushes down on Louis’ knees and gets his leg above them, keeps them down. Then, he gets a hand under Louis’ locked elbows and spreads his palm on Louis’ diaphragm.

‘’In and out, Lou. C’mon.’’ he urges as he pushes his palm in and breathes in, uses his chin to keep Louis’ head in place. ‘’In and out, baby. You can do it. C’mon.’’

He pushes his palm in and up and then out and down, breathes in and out in time with the movement of his hand. He’s about to give up, about to just call Liam or the hospital, anything but after what seems like together, Louis starts calming down.

‘’That’s it, baby, just breathe.’’ Harry wants to crow, wants to wipe at the tears that started sliding down his cheeks but he’s got a lapful of his boy and he needs to take care of him, needs him to be okay. ‘’Just breathe, Lou. You got this, baby. You can do it. Come back to me, c’mon.’’

‘’I’m falling, Haz.’’ Louis stutters out, breathing getting rough again. ‘’I’m spiraling.’’

‘’No, you’re not, you’re right here. You’re anchored right here with me.’’ Harry pulls at Louis’ hands that were still covering his eyes and is relieved to find no resistance this time. He cups Louis’ wet face and tilts his head up before he gathers Louis’ hands and holds them to his chest. ‘’You’re not falling anymore, see? I’m holding you.’’

‘’I’m so sorry…’’

‘’I know.’’ Harry tries not to crumble at that. ‘’And it’s alright, baby. I heard you, yeah? I heard you loud and clear so you don’t have to keep telling me, okay? For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too.’’

It looks like it’s too many words for Louis to comprehend. He just pulls at Harry’s hold on his hands until Harry’s got his arms locked around his waist. He tries not to crumble further when Louis hugs his bicep.

‘’You breathing okay?’’ Harry asks, wants to be sure.

‘’I think I’m gonna close my eyes for a bit.’’ Louis murmurs into his chest. ‘’Just for a bit.’’

‘’Okay,’’

They stay like that for a few moments, Harry rocking them a bit, arse growing numb and posture getting stiff.

But then he breathes in Louis’ hair, tightens his hold on him and after months of feeling like he’s breathing in water and at the same being dragged down into nothing, gravity stops pulling at him. He feels like he’s finally landed on solid ground, feet tethered. Whatever vice that was gripping his chest all these months, is all gone. The room no longer feels like it’s filled with water and he feels heavy to the bone, like the feeling of coming out of a beach after so long of being tossed by the waves.

With Louis’ solid clutch on his bicep, the weight of his head on his shoulder, he finally stops falling too.

………………………………………………………………………………………

When his muscles start cramping, he gently lifts a passed out Louis unto the sofa. It’s a while before he manages to get up, waits for the blood to start flowing in his leg again and when he finally gets up on his knees, he make sure to tuck a cushion under Louis’ head and keep him pressed into the back of the sofa, away from the edge.

He looks at him for a while, notices the gaunt cheekbones, the pale skin, the thin neck. The shape of Louis’s body, tucked on his side shows the curve of his waist and its obvious now, the thinness, the clothes hiding it but not well enough.

He wants to know what he’s missed out on but first thing’s first. He goes to his room, grabs a few blankets and comes back to the living room. He covers Louis up gently, wants him to wake up toasty warm.

After that, he washes the mugs, even the one that Louis left untouched. When that’s done, he wipes his hands clean and takes out his phone.

He calls Liam.


	11. Harry's sofa, London

_Ooh, you know I've been alone for quite a while_

_haven't I? I thought I knew it all_   
_Found love but I was wrong_   
_More times than enough_   
_But since you came along_   
_I'm thinking baby_

_You are bringing out a different kind of me_

_There's no safety net that's underneath, I'm free_   
_Falling all in you_

-Shawn Mendes, falling all in you

‘’He’s there, isn’t he?’’ is what Liam asks the moment the call connects.

‘’How did you know?’’ Harry asks. ‘’And yeah, he’s here.’’

‘’I kept dropping hints, saying you were back in town, told him about the next tour, so that he’ll know how long you’re here for.’’ Liam replies.

‘’Why did you do that?’’

‘’What? You think I support what he did to you? How he left things?’’

‘’It’s not his fault.’’ Harry chides. ‘’And you should’ve known better. He was going through some shit, Liam.’’

‘’I know that, asshole, who the fuck has been taking care of him these past few months?’’ Liam snaps. ‘’Look, I’m tired of being useless, okay? Nothing I do is right, nothing I do works for him.’’

‘’What does that mean?’’

‘’Harry, you don’t know what it’s been like.’’ Liam says, voice emotional. ‘’He screams like a fucking banshee almost every other night and when he doesn’t, he’s like a zombie. Doctor said something about sleep paralysis, whatever the fuck that means.’’

‘’He’s been to the hospital again?’’ Harry asks, gravely concerned.

‘’No, but I freaked out one night, was afraid of entering his room so I called Doctor Ashley and explained the situation. He sent a nurse over or a paramedic I don’t know and they had to give Louis a sedative. It was one time, but it was really bad.’’

‘’Oh,’’

‘’I clean up after him, hell I sleep on the floor next to him, but whenever I try to comfort him or pull him from whatever he’s panicking about, nothing works. He just keeps crying.’’

‘’Does he ever talk to you about it? Like, when he’s awake?’’

‘’He said something about a swooping feeling and like, drowning in ‘what if’s’ and that, no one is tethering him, no one is there to help him. I still don’t know what he meant and I guess it has a lot to do with his guilt, with what happened.’’ Liam pauses here. ‘’Mostly, I think he’s lost without you, you know?’’

Harry doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t know if it has to do with those thugs who hurt him or if it has to do with the aftermath of it.

‘’He probably feels like he can’t breathe, like someone keeps pulling rug from underneath him.’’ He supplements. ‘’Or something like that.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Liam sniffs. ‘’I finally convinced him to call one of those help hotlines mentioned in the flyers because Louis won’t ever go to those group therapy sessions and he doesn’t think he can find a therapist that can be flexible with his school hours.’’

‘’Has he been making his calls?’’

‘’He has and he’s been getting better, little by little.’’ Liam informs him. ‘’But I don’t think it’s the same without you.’’

‘’Li…’’

‘’Even if he’s better now, he still has a lot of unfinished business lying around and one way to go through that hurdle is to face it head on.’’

‘’Hence, he’s in my house.’’

‘’Yeah, I’m not surprised. I would have driven him there myself but I don’t have a car, so.’’ Liam says before he sighs. ‘’He thinks the world of you, Harry and I think if you were in my place, you would have been able to do what I couldn’t do.’’

‘’I’m no specialist.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’I can hardly wrap my head around what happened to him.’’

‘’But you can be there for him in ways I can’t ever be.’’ Liam says. ‘’You understand each other on a whole other level and I’ve never seen him care so much, worry so much about someone the way he cares for you. He listens to your songs every day.’’

‘’Is that right?’’

‘’Every day, Harry, without fail. I only know because he started sleeping longer than a couple of hours every night and when I investigated how that came about, I saw his headphones plugged into his phone next to his pillow and playlists of the band’s albums are on repeat, the shuffle list mostly on your solo songs.’’

‘’He mentioned you telling him about the unreleased single?’’ Harry questions. ‘’the one I apparently cry to whenever I sing it, which I don’t. I don’t know who wrote that article but it’s not true. It was only a couple of times.’’

‘’Yeah, whatever you say, man. I’ve seen the videos.’’ Liam snorts. ‘’But yeah, I told him about it and I guess it helped him make up his mind.’’

‘’About what?’’

‘’He just wants to fix things, Harry.’’ Liam informs him. ‘’Please give him the chance.’’

Harry swallows; the thought of Louis’ guilt eating away at him plagues him but doubt and self-preservation kick in and he’s scared. He doesn’t want to be hurt again and the only person who can ever really hurt him is Louis. Anything else, pales in comparison.

‘’Don’t stay up worrying about him.’’ Harry says instead. ‘’I’ll make sure he gets home safely when he’s ready.’’

‘’Right,’’ Liam exhales. ‘’Glad to hear from you again.’’

‘’Yeah, me too.’’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

When he’s done with the phone call, he leaves the kitchen only to find that Louis’ awake.

‘’Hey,’’ Harry says, approaching. Louis is cocooned in the blankets, sitting up, back against the arm of the sofa. Harry takes a seat next to him when he notices that Louis’ legs are folded underneath him, leaving space for him.

‘’Hey,’’ Louis sniffs, like he’d just woken up.

‘’You feeling okay?’’

‘’Not really,’’ Louis shrugs, fiddling with the blankets covering his lap. ‘’I mean, I completely embarrassed myself in front of you so, not exactly in a stellar mood right now.’’

‘’Nothing to be embarrassed about,’’ Harry shakes his head, criss-crossing his legs and facing Louis. ‘’I would’ve done the same in a few months’ time, give or take.’’

‘’Why? You have nothing to apologize for,’’ Louis looks up at him here, eyes curious.

‘’I do,’’ Harry tells him. ‘’I should’ve fought harder for you, should’ve been more understanding. Instead I backed down so easily. I should’ve been there for you and I wasn’t, right when you needed me the most.’’

‘’I blamed you in my head,’’ Louis says, lip wobbling before he exhales roughly and looks away. ‘’I thought that if you didn’t come back into my life, I would’ve continued making easy money, would’ve finished off my debts by the time I graduate and everything would’ve been fine but instead, I stopped sleeping around and ran out of money because I didn’t want you to pity me, didn’t want to be an arm candy to you.’’

‘’Lou…’’

‘’And I thought about it all coming out in the papers, the way you told me about sometimes,’’ Louis barrels through. ‘’I saw the news about the night club and the arrests and I thought, if my name gets out there, if people link me to you…it plagued me, Haz.’’

‘’Your name was never mentioned in the papers and I’ll sew anyone whoever takes a swipe at you.’’ Harry says sternly. ‘’They have no right, they won’t ever have the right to use what happened to you against me.’’

‘’You know what I thought after that?’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I thought…what type of monster would ever blame you?’’ Louis looks back at him, eyes fierce and guilty. ‘’You, of all people? How the fuck did I ever think breaking up with you was a good idea?’’

‘’Louis…’’

‘’The worst part of it all is that, I know I can live without you.’’ Louis interrupts him. ‘’Give me a year, a decade and my wounds will heal. I’ve got an apartment, I’ve got Liam, I still have my two jobs and soon, if I keep working hard enough, I’ll be an engineer with a desk job and maybe my own office someday so I know I’ll be fine. But…to be without you…I don’t want to.’’

Harry feels his heart pounding.

‘’Haz, I know you’re hurting.’’ Louis says, eyes swimming. ‘’And I know you won’t admit that straight up because you care too much, but don’t discredit your feelings just because of what happened to me. I’m not your problem to worry about. I’m not some debt you have to pay. I heard your song loud and clear and I know, okay? I know what I did…was inconsolable.’’ Louis swallows. ‘’I will never ever, be more sorry about anything the way that I’m sorry for hurting you, no matter the circumstances.’’

‘’You still um…’’ Harry clears his throat. ‘’You talk as if you still love me.’’

‘’What do you think?’’ Louis says after a moment of staring.

Harry feels the air shift between them and something as painful as hope starts making its way through the cracks in his ribs.

‘’Um…You still love me?’’

''I'm not here for that; I'm here because I owe you an apology.''

''Please just answer me.''

Louis blinks at him, eyes roaming all over his face before he nods.

‘’You still want me?’’

Louis nods, a single tear trickling down his face but he doesn’t dare look away, doesn’t make a single sound.

‘’And if I say I want you to forgive yourself, can you do it?’’

Louis looks away here; breaks eye contact, a brittle exhale escaping his lips.

‘’Can you do that for me? Please?’’

Louis looks back up at him, torn.

‘’Why should that matter?’’ Louis asks.

‘’Because it’s important for me to know that you won’t let that guilt keep hanging over our heads.’’ Harry says. ‘’If I’m willing to forgive you, can’t you find a way to forgive yourself too?’’

‘’It’s not that easy.’’

‘’I know but we can work on it, yeah? I know you and I know you can succeed in anything you put your mind to.’’

‘’You still believe in me that much?’’ Louis chuckles, self-deprecatingly.

‘’Never stopped believing in you.’’ Harry says honestly. ‘’Never stopped loving you, never stopped thinking about you these past few months, never stopped hungering for you…I never stopped, Lou.’’ Harry doesn’t stop talking even as Louis comes out of his cocoon and advances at him. ‘’I never once looked at another person the way I ever looked at you, the way I could never look away because nothing else mattered, Lou. Nothing but you, baby.’’ Harry groans as Louis sits on his lap and gets his arms around him. ‘’I never stopped wanting you, even when I felt like I was damned in exile or something. I never…Lou.’’

Louis places his lips on his and that’s it; it was game over for Harry from the moment Louis walked into his house and its game over now.

He’s tired of holding back.

‘’I love you, I will always love you.’’ Harry gasps, feels like he would burst with this swelling and rush of affections coursing through his veins. ‘’I just wanna hold you, baby.’’

‘’Let me kiss you, please.’’ Louis begs.

So they kiss. Harry feels the water in his lungs receding, every swipe of lips tearing down the distance the past few months brought, from the moment he set one foot out of that hospital room to the moment Louis closed in on him on his sofa. They kiss until their lungs give out and their minds turn to static.

It shouldn’t be this easy, falling into Louis again like this but for the first time in what feels like a long time, he breathes easy.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

It’s weird being under Louis’ gaze.

He’s used to being stared at, used to cameras pointed at his face, used to girls gawking at him, fans speechless in his presence that all they can do is stare.

But it’s different when he’s the fixture of Louis’ entire attention.

Said boy is lying on top of him, one hand holding his head up, cheek resting against his palm whereas his other hand is busy roaming, fingers splayed across his face, tracing his embellishments, the fuzz above his upper lip, his big nose, his jawline, his lips that Louis made swollen with his insistence for more kisses, his eyebrows, the bags under his eyes, pads of fingers constantly caressing, tracing the contours of his face.

‘’Looking for a zit or something?’’ Harry asks when Louis’ thumb keeps caressing the apple of his cheek. They’re still on the sofa, having shifted to lying down horizontally, Harry on his back, Louis on top of him. It’s the perfect position for Harry to keep Louis between the splay of his legs, perfect for his hands to lock around the small of Louis’ back.

‘’No,’’

‘’Amazed that I actually shave?’’ Harry then asks.

‘’Nope,’’

‘’Fascinated by my chiseled jaw and sculpted eyebrows?’’ Harry wiggles said eyebrows.

‘’No,’’ Louis chuckles.

‘’Then what’s got you in a daze, babe?’’ Harry asks softly. Honestly, call him an arrogant son of a bitch but he actually loves the attention, especially since its coming from Louis. ‘’Found a third eye that I don’t know about?’’

‘’Yeah, always thought you were an alien.’’ Louis deadpans.

‘’I am out of this world.’’ Harry sighs dramatically. ‘’It took me years to adjust to this planet.’’

‘’You are so full of shit.’’ Louis informs him and Harry cannot help but laugh.

‘’Miss our bantering.’’ He cannot help but say. ‘’You never let me get away with anything, you know?’’

‘’Miss you holding me.’’ Louis says, eyes infinitely soft. ‘’Miss your deep morning voice…’’

‘’Miss the sex?’’ Harry asks and knows instantly that it was the wrong thing to say with the way that Louis’ eyes shutter.

‘’About that…’’ Louis starts before he sighs and sits up. Harry follows even though Louis doesn’t stray far. He gets his legs under him but sits close where Louis tucks his knees to his chest, hands splayed on his sides.

‘’We don’t have to if you never want to,’’ Harry says, wants to rectify the moment. ‘’It doesn’t matter all that much to me.’’

‘’No, that’s not…’’ Louis exhales, frustrated. ‘’I’m better now, in my head, I…I know I didn’t deserve that…what they did.’’ Louis stutters. ‘’I just think we should take things slow, you know?’’

‘’Thank goodness,’’ Harry exhales, relieved. ‘’I wasn’t sure if jumping right into it was a good idea.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’Like, I want to give you space, you know? I want…’’

‘’Tell me,’’

‘’I don’t want us to pretend like we can just get back to the way things were before.’’ Harry says carefully.

‘’Can’t pretend even if I tried,’’ Louis snorts but not unkindly. ‘’It’s not like I came here under the pretense that you would just take me back with open arms and pretend that I’m not a real-life slag or something.’’

‘’Hey…’’ Harry says sternly. ‘’There will no name-calling or self-shaming in my house.’’

‘’It’s true though, everyone in my classes knows this, or at least they know the rumours about me.’’

‘’Know what? And there are rumours?’’

‘’Yeah, Haz. It’s not really that surprising when you run in almost the same circles for three years.’’ Louis says kindly.

‘’Explain, please.’’ Harry demands.

‘’Look, they know to be careful about asking me out,’’ Louis says. ‘’Even before you and I got together, it was easy to just own up to it; like, if someone comes up to me and asks if they want to sleep with me, they ask if they have to pay me too and I don't deny it. I was shameless like that, desperate like that and it got people talking, turned the rumour mill and all that. And then we reconnected and got steady and somehow, any interested party that came up to me then never believed me when I told them I wasn’t single anymore even after I stopped going to night clubs. They’d just say things like, ‘Oh you must be laying low’ or ‘probably got a warning for soliciting sex, yeah?’ Stuff like that.’’

‘’How can they do that?’’ Harry asks, infuriated. ‘’How can…?’’

‘’People talk, Haz.''

''Still...'' Harry sighs. ''Then what?''

''Well, I wasn’t going to hide the fact that I was committed even if they never knew who it was I was dating. They just assumed it was a cover or like code for ‘you’re not my type’. Liam got physical with one guy even, around a month ago, who wanted my number and then gave Liam some cash as, and I quote,’’ Louis then mimics inverted commas. ‘’I really quote, he said, ‘’as front payment’’. Dude got the extent of Liam’s fist, that’s what he got.’’

‘’Serves him right,’’ Harry mutters.

‘’Not really; if you didn’t happen, I would have been arguing with Liam about punching that guy.’’

‘’So, Liam? He knew about…’’ Harry pauses.

‘’Not exactly.’’ Louis says. ‘’He didn’t know then, he only knew after I told him, which was like about two months ago and I think that guy was desperate because I wasn’t really in the mood to be people friendly after what happened. Was a bit paranoid to be honest.’’ Louis laughs self-deprecatingly.

‘’The people who hurt you are behind bars, Lou…’’

‘’I know but it was all people talked about in the news,’’ Louis informs him. ‘’We uni kids go to night clubs, Harry, and sometimes, uni kids like drugs instead of alcohol. It was something to relate to but my skin would crawl whenever someone tried to engage with me about it. I just…for a while there, it was unbearable and waiting for it to die down wasn’t easy.’’

‘’I’m so sorry, Lou.’’ Harry tells him. He means it from the bottom of his heart because no one deserves to be hurt like that, least of all Louis.

‘’It’s alright, I’m trying to get better, I’m putting effort into it now.’’ Louis says, a hint of a genuine smile in his face. ‘’But it’s all the more reason why you’re right.’’

‘’Yeah, a lot has happened since then, to you, to me and…we have to work on our relationship harder now, more than ever, you know?’’

‘’Take things slow again.’’

‘’Yeah, but this isn’t you and me dating anymore, this isn’t us still getting to know each other. This is more than that.’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’You talked about being committed to me,’’ Harry says boldly. ‘’That isn’t a one-way street. I love you and therefore, I’m committed to you. I want us to work no matter how many times we stumble. I still want that with you because I still love you.’’

‘’Love has never been enough though,’’ Louis says. ‘’But we can be enough, right?’’

‘’Always,’’ Harry vows. ‘’You will always be enough for me.’’

‘’Friends then? For now?’’ Louis says, hand reaching for Harry’s.

‘’Yeah, I’d like that.’’ He says before he kisses the back of Louis’ hand. ‘’For now.’’

……………………………………………………………………………………

Louis doesn’t sleep over but Harry is reluctant to leave him either so as compromise, he drives Louis back to his apartment.

It’s a familiar route and he’s missed it, missed the little details like looking over for a side-ways glance and finding Louis there in the passenger seat, missed the gesture of reaching over and finding a hand to catch, fingers to lock with and a thigh to rest said interlocked hands on.

‘’How’s tour?’’ Louis asks, head tilted towards him.

‘’It’s been great.’’ Harry says. ‘’The fans are amazing as always and the lads are stellar.’’

‘’And you’re having fun?’’

‘’No, not really.’’ Harry admits through a laugh.

‘’Because of me?’’

Harry wants to look over and at the same time brush aside the fact that Louis’ absence from his life made him feel like trash for taking his success for granted, for not appreciating what he had because of a broken heart.

‘’You can say it; I know it’s my fault.’’ Louis says, as if reading his mind.

‘’It was just hard without you.’’ Harry says, glad he has the road to focus on. ‘’I was worried all the time and I couldn’t even call Liam to ask, so I just followed the news when I could and it still wasn’t enough.’’

‘’You can blame me, Harry. It’s okay.’’

‘’No,’’ Harry says firmly. ‘’I will never do that.’’

‘’But…’’

‘’No,’’ Harry says and tightens his grip on Louis’ hand. He waits until he’s parked the car in front of Louis’ apartment building before he lets go and turns off the ignition.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Louis says, like he’s the reason for Harry’s anger.

‘’I’m not mad at you,’’ Harry says, turning side-ways in his seat. ‘’Louis, look at me.’’

Louis looks up from fiddling with his sleeves, eyes swimming in familiar guilt again.

‘’Louis, you just lost the only family you ever had, even if he wasn’t the family you wanted to have.’’ Harry explains. ‘’And I know that because I know how much you value your education, how desperate you are to build a life in which you can live independently, without needing anyone else to support you. I commend you for that because it was hard to make that choice, no matter the type of person your father was, he was still your father.’’

‘’Why are you telling me this?’’ Louis says, chin shaking. Harry reaches for his hand and keeps it between his own.

‘’Because yes you hurt me but I know, deep down, that it had nothing to do with me. I know you didn’t do it because you fell out of love or because I was horrible to you, right?’’

‘’Never horrible,’’ Louis says, voice barely in control.

‘’And yes, maybe I blamed you a little,’’ Harry admits. ‘’Maybe I drank too much after we were over and maybe I wrote too many songs about you but in my sober mind, I knew that if I had been in your place, I would have pushed everyone away too.’’

‘’You’re not like everyone, though.’’ Louis says, a tear sliding. ‘’I should’ve known better.’’

‘’Lou, I know what scrutiny is like, I know what it feels like to be under a microscope, to want to get a way even for just a moment because something I was ashamed about was ripped away from me without my consent, something I worked hard to try and keep under wraps.’’ Harry informs him.

‘’What do you have to be ashamed of?’’

‘’What? You think it was easy demanding to be out before the band got big?’’ Harry asks, with a smile. ‘’You think it was easy being told that I had Zayn and Niall’s career in my hands and if the public doesn’t accept my image as being both into men and women, they’d tank with me?’’

‘’You’re serious?’’

‘’Yeah, Lou. It’s a cut-throat business and I was naïve and idealistic but I held my ground, like a fool. I’m honestly only lucky that things worked out for the better. I wouldn’t be able to bear sinking Zayn and Niall with me on my conscience.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says quietly.

‘’I know you’re deeply ashamed about the debts and the hospital bills, I know because of how you reacted.’’ He says softly.

‘’I thought I was over that.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’Having fits,’’ Louis says, wiping his face. ‘’I never used to have those,’’

‘’Panic attacks,’’ Harry supplements.

‘’How did you know…?’’

‘’Grabbed one of them flyers on my way out, back in the hospital.’’ Harry shrugs. ‘’Read up a few things.’’

‘’They’re awful and they always hit when I least expect them. Felt like I couldn’t breathe.’’ Louis sighs before he looks at Harry. ‘’Felt like nothing would ever be okay again.’’

‘’But it will be,’’ Harry encourages. ‘’I really believe that.’’

‘’We really need to take things slow.’’ Louis says after a moment of comfortable silence.

''Yeah...''

''Really,'' Louis smiles at him sadly and maybe it had to do with his eyes moving down to Harry’s lips before moving up again, embarrassed at getting caught, that he stays put. ‘’Starting with you turning your car on and saying good night.’’

‘’Good night then.’’ Harry says, knows its not right to push right now.

‘’And letting go of my hand maybe?’’ Louis says, amused. ’’I will need that when I get out.’’

‘’Right,’’ now it was Harry’s turn to flush.

‘’Good night, Haz.’’ Louis says as he opens the car door.

‘’Good night, Lou.’’ He says. He takes a deep breath and only lets it out when Louis waves back at him before he disappears into the building.

Baby steps.


	12. Sydney, Australia

_Looks like we made it_   
_Look how far we've come my baby_   
_We mighta took the long way_   
_We knew we'd get there someday_

-Shania Twain, Still the one

They didn’t exactly make any plans for the next day and Harry isn’t sure if he ought to text or not, doesn’t want to come off as too clingy, too soon.

So he goes under the guise of wanting to catch up with Liam (even texts him, just to make sure he’s got no morning lectures) and explains that he does having nothing better to do since he’s on break.

He picks up a tray of drinks and breakfast on his way. That same feeling of hope he had when he held Louis’ cell phone in his pocket instead of breakfast for three in his hands encapsulates him. He knocks on the door and hopes for the best.

‘’About time you got here.’’ Liam says when he opens the door. ‘’Someone’s been excited to see you.’’

‘’Lou’s here?’’ Harry asks, as if the very thought doesn’t make him want to jump in the air or something.

‘’Yeah, he’s here alright.’’ Liam says, a hint in his tone saying that he knows what Harry’s playing at.

‘’I got you breakfast,’’ Harry says when Liam steps aside and shuts the door.

‘’Coffee I hope?’’ Liam asks as he heads for the kitchen and Harry follows him.

‘’Of course,’’ Harry says but flushes when the first cup Liam grabs is Louis’ tea.

‘’This isn’t coffee, mate.’’

‘’Yeah, that’s for…’’

‘’Harry!’’

Harry tries to be chill and all but he knows he fails abysmally when he sees Louis by the door of the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed up.

‘’Hey, Lou. I wanted to say hi to Liam. It’s been ages.’’ He says, as if to make his intentions clear and all.

‘’Oh,’’ Louis says, deflates a little and Harry tries to backtrack. ‘’Is that tea?’’

‘’Yeah, for you.’’ Liam says when he passes the tea to Louis. ‘’Harry bought us breakfast.’’

‘’Oh,’’ Louis says again.

‘’You have time or…’’ Harry asks and hopes, hopes, hopes.

‘’Yeah, sure.’’

So they sit down and catch up a bit. Mostly, Harry tries to pay attention to Liam to uphold the reason for his visit and mostly fails.

Louis is quiet but not like his older self. He's more quiet in a mellow way, the type of quiet you see in people who have been through hell and back. Liam has a good-natured soul and he seems to understand the almost one-sided conversation he’s having with Louis whenever he directs a question at him so Harry fills in the gap. Don’t get him wrong, Louis is a good listener but it’s obvious that Liam wishes he could contribute a little bit and not get lost inside his head every few moments as they sit and laugh and talk about uni and assignments.

‘’Well, this was nice.’’ Liam says as he cleans up, insists on it.

‘’You have classes later?’’ Harry asks.

‘’In the afternoon.’’ Liam supplies. ‘’Right now, I’m going to head to bed, catch up on a few more hours of sleep. You good, Lou?’’

‘’Yeah, mate. I’ll see you later.’’ Louis says, smile small.

‘’Right,’’ Liam says before he looks at Harry. ‘’Great to see you again, man and say hi to the lads for me. Tell them I’m digging the new merch,’’

‘’Will do,’’ Harry laughs and then waits until he and Louis are finally left alone.

‘’He moved back to his room about a week ago,’’ Louis says, swiping his fringe aside. ‘’I think he’s finally catching up on some sleep.’’

‘’And you?’’ Harry asks. ‘’Sleeping okay?’’

‘’Yeah, yeah, I’m getting there.’’ Louis nods. ‘’Nothing for you to worry about.’’

It smarts a little, being brushed off like that but he understands. Louis wants to get better and he wants to get better on his own. Harry just wants him to know that he’s there for him, that’s all.

‘’Just wanted to be sure,’’

‘’You don’t have to,’’ Louis says, a nerve in his voice.

‘’Okay…’’

‘’And you don’t have to check on me through Liam either,’’ Louis adds. ‘’I thought we were taking it slow here.’’

‘'I didn’t come here to check on you.’’ Harry says carefully. ‘’I just wanted to see you, that’s all and we never made plans…’’

‘’No, I mean.’’ Louis takes a deep breath, like he’s struggling to calm down. ‘’I…’’

‘’Lou, I can leave if you want…’’

‘’No, just give me a minute.’’ Louis places his hand on his knee, as if to keep him seated. ‘’I’m doing this all wrong.’’

‘’Lou, it’s okay…’’

‘’Harry, can you hear me out for a second? Please?’’

Harry nods and waits him out.

Louis takes another deep breath before he sits back in his chair.

‘’I don’t want you to misunderstand anything.’’ Louis starts. ‘’I don’t want you to feel guilty about my…my issues or whatever. I’m not trying to guilt-trip you or make you feel like I need you to recover and you can’t get away from me because of it. I don’t want you to feel…obligated or forced into this because of some saviour-complex or our history or….’’

‘’What the fuck are you talking about?’’ Harry stands up here, furious. ‘’I’m not that pathetic, Louis!’’

‘’I’m trying to be reasonable here, Harry!’’ Louis stands up too, surprised. ‘’I’m giving you good, solid advice!’’

‘’Well, you can keep it, thank you very much.’’ Harry hisses.

‘’What are you mad at me for?’’ Louis asks, shocked. ‘’I’m just trying to warn you here, I’m looking out for your best interest!’’

‘’Best interest?’’ Harry repeats. ‘’What would you know about my best interest? You’re the one that broke up with me when I did nothing wrong to you, when I wanted nothing but stand beside you! You broke up with me when…’’

‘’I thought you wouldn’t hold that against me anymore!’’ Louis shouts. ‘’I thought…’’

‘’Look, it was a mistake coming here, it was too soon.’’ Harry says, regretting instantly his behaviour, his words. ‘’Day one and we’re already fighting.’’

‘’I said I was sorry,’’ Louis says and he looks…pained. ‘’And if that’s not gonna cut it then walk away, Haz. I’m not gonna force you into a relationship you don’t want anymore, okay? No one is forcing you to be here.’’

‘’No, Lou that’s not…’’ Harry sighs. They’re stood with two chairs between them but it feels like an ocean. ‘’I’m sorry but I just…I know what this looks like, I know coming here made me look pathetic and too eager and just…I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to rush things. I…deep down, I want to skip past all this, you know? I want us to be together again so fucking much because I’m afraid of getting hurt again, I’m afraid of you changing your mind and…’’

‘’I’m not going to change my mind.’’ Louis says, closing the distance between them and hugging him. ‘’Wrap your arms around me, c’mon. I won’t break.’’

So Harry does; he hugs Louis’ little body to him, hunches down a bit so that Louis doesn’t strain on his tip toes. He lets his warmth seep into his abs and every point they’re touching.

Standing there, allowing Louis to comfort him, to make sure he’s solid and whole, helps ease his mind and slow the cogs of anxiety down. Holding him helps him close his eyes and just breathe in the familiar lavender scent of Louis that he’d missed on his bed sheets, on his pillow, in his clothes.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he murmurs into the juncture between Louis’ neck and shoulder. ‘’I just don’t want to lose you again. I wanted to be sure yesterday was real, is still real…’’

‘’You’re not the only one trying to stay sane here.’’ Louis tells him, clutching him for dear life. ‘’But I spoke with my therapist last night…’’ he continues before he lifts Harry’s head and looks up at him. ‘’And she made me question my motives, made me think and I wanted to make sure we were not getting off on the wrong foot here. I wanted to be sure you really want to be here and not because you owe me or something or because I can’t heal without you. I should do that without you, you know? I should want to get better for me and not for anyone else, even you.’’

‘’I know, baby. I…I’m proud of you already.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’You have no idea how proud of you I am…’’

‘’Dude, did you forget my spell yesterday? I’m two steps back and…’’

‘’And you were still brave enough to show up at my doorstep.’’ Harry reminds him. ‘’That counts, Lou. That means more to me than anything.’’

‘’You really want me back?’’ Louis asks after a moment of staring into his eyes. ‘’Me and my baggage and my past and….’’

‘’I want your heart back,’’ Harry interrupts him. ‘’Because you never gave me back mine.’’

Louis’ surprised chuckle is wet.

‘’That’s an easy request,’’ he says before he wraps his arms tighter around Harry’s neck. ‘’It belongs to you anyways.’’

‘’And I don’t want to be your friend,’’ Harry says, before he grins, a metaphoric bulb lighting up above his head. ‘’I wanna kiss your neck…’’

‘’Did you just croon a 1975 lyric at me?’’ Louis gawks.

‘’Oh, you know them but you didn’t know the Rogue?’’ Harry asks, flabbergasted. ‘’How dare you?’’

‘’They’re a better band.’’ Louis shrugs, even as Harry walks him back against the counter. ''And their lead singer has better hair and…oof.’’

Harry manages to carry him until he’s seated on the isle before he fits himself between Louis’ legs. ‘’Does their lead singer buy you breakfast?’’

‘’No…’’ Louis says, eyes tracing over his face.

‘’Does their lead singer want to take you out on dates?’’ Harry asks, forehead bumping Louis’ brow gently before his eyes hone in on Louis' lips, wetting his.

‘’I don’t think so…’’ Louis’ replies, eyes on Harry’s lips.

‘’Does their lead singer…’’ Harry pulls Louis’ lower lip with his teeth, making Louis gasp. ‘’kiss like this?’’ Harry asks slowly, before he pecks Louis’ lips.

‘’I wouldn’t know,’’ Louis’ answer is just a mumble. He’s too busy pulling at Harry’s hair and chasing his lips while Harry diverts his attention to his jaw, his neck, evading Louis’ thin lips. ‘’I don’t want to.’’

‘’Why’s that, baby?’’ Harry asks as he pays attention to Louis’ neck with small pecks and tiny kisses.

‘’Want you to kiss me.’’ Louis says, heavily affected. ‘’Want you to love me again.’’

Harry pulls his face away and meets Louis’ eyes.

‘’I never stopped wanting you.’’ He tells him. ‘’I told you that yesterday and I meant it then and I mean it now. I’m in my right mind and I’m telling you; I’m here of my own volition. I’m here because you’re it for me and I’ll be damned if I ever let any boy break my heart the way that you did because you’re the only one who can fix it and make it better again.’’

Louis’ eyes are tearful and they look stunned, overwhelmed.

‘’Okay?’’ Harry asks gently.

Louis nods. ‘’Okay,’’

‘’Now, can I kiss you?’’

Louis nods again and Harry smiles beatifically when he finally re-captures his lips.

It’s not the same as before, but in a way, its better. They’re done exploring, done trying to remember how they kissed in the past and trying to mimic it or revive it, done trying to prove to each other their undying love back when they thought they were invincible. They kiss now like they know what it was like to go without; their movements are more cherished, fonder, and perhaps even sweeter than before. They know each other better now, since back then, they would have never had any idea what it was like to break up and how that would change them and yet they take the time to re-learn each other again. They fit back the parts that they had both taken from each other, gluing each other back and making sure they stick this time.

Slowly, Harry feels more put together than he did the past few months. He feels like a whole new person in the process, like someone who came out from underneath the rubbles, someone who just upended the entire sea and came out soaking wet but breathing again, whole again.

And finally with his boy again…

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Four months later

‘’Shh, shh, it’s okay, baby. Wake up,’’ Harry whispers drowsily.

They’re in the tour bus, somewhere in Australia and he’s glad Zayn didn’t turn off the AC like he usually does before he went to join the others in the dressing room.

Louis had officially finished his third year of school. It’s now August, almost the end of summer break. Harry had asked if he could come on tour with him instead of work in the summer and was glad to receive a big resounding yes because the following year, Louis was going to apply for internships and might not be able to go on tour with Harry any time then.

It’s been a tough term, with Louis trying to rush his therapy too fast too soon and Harry anxious to be with him at all times. They collided more than once, even had some screaming matches but for all their fights, they never stopped fighting for each other.

With Liam and Harry’s encouragement, Louis finished therapy until all he has to do now is call just for a check in instead of having to commit to sessions twice a week. He’d also finally detoxed all the symptoms of the drugs right around the time he and Harry became officially together again. Aside from the occasional headaches from too much studying and staying up all night for finals, which Harry tried to help with by sleeping over, helping him with his quizzes, making him copious amounts of tea and making sure to get food in him, he’s finally in better shape physically than he’s ever been.

Harry also got over his anxiety by making sure to keep busy. As much as he wants to spend 10,000 hours with Louis, doing nothing but cook for him, drive him to classes and sleep over any chance he can get so that he doesn’t worry about him, he knows that it is also not a healthy coping mechanism. So, while Louis is in lectures or in study groups, he keeps himself busy by hanging out with friends, going on fashion shows, even leaving London for a bit and attending a wedding in Argentina. The traveling bit was bad, he’ll admit, having found himself calling Louis at the worse hours and going crazy at Louis’ belated replies but slowly, slowly, they got the hang of it.

Between the second leg of the US tour and the European tour, Harry temporarily moved into Louis’ apartment just to sort him out during his finals, helping but not getting in the way. Now that the school year was over and the Australian tour was kicking in, having Louis travel with him was nothing short of living the ultimate dream.

Except for now, Louis wasn’t having a dream.

He knows when they had gone for a nap before the show that it was Louis who was spooning him. However, Harry woke up feeling tremors against his back and thought that Louis was just cold, until Louis’ fingers dug in deeper into his flesh where his arms were wrapped around his midriff.

Harry doesn’t startle or yelp or scream; he just turns around and hugs Louis to him, still drowsy from the nap but not too drowsy to stop his hands for rubbing circles into Louis’ back.

Louis hasn’t had a bad dream in a while but they do pop up every now and then.

‘’Baby, wake up.’’ Harry murmurs, lips vibrating against the shell of Louis’ ear. ‘’Shh, shh…’’

Right after he kisses Louis’ temple, he feels a jolt and a startled gasp.

He keeps up his ministrations, keeps his lips pressed against Louis’ hairline. His fingers don’t stop moving in circles until Louis sighs.

‘’Sorry,’’ Louis mumbles into his chest.

‘’Don’t worry about it.’’ Harry says. He’s used to it by now.

‘’You wanna get up?’’ Louis asks. Its’ code for ‘I need some space’ and Harry has to admit, the small bunker bed and the dim lights of the parking lot, blocked by the other tour buses aren’t ideal for a nap atmosphere but it’s better than the dressing room. Last they were there; the boys were playing a game of Jenga, Ash of course instigating it.

‘’Sure, love.’’ Harry presses another kiss to his temple before he gets up and stretches. He feels well-rested mentally but he knows he will feel better overall when he sleeps in a hotel bed instead of a bus that smells like weed and shoes. For now, he automatically heads for the kitchenette to prepare Louis a cuppa since they always help.

‘’Hmm,’’ Harry hums when Louis pulls him between his legs, his back to Louis’ chest. He’d gotten up on the counter while Harry was setting up the kettle, sat there like a sleepy angel. Harry groans when Louis starts working those magic fingers of his into his sore back. ‘’I needed that.’’

‘’You always do when you sleep in the bunk beds.’’ Louis tells him, working his hand somewhere near Harry’s left kidney. ‘’Ohh, I felt that.’’

‘’Ouff,’’ Harry groans as his back pops beautifully and now he feels physically more loose-limbed.

‘’Better?’’ Louis asks when he pops another knot between his shoulder blades.

‘’Much better,’’ Harry sighs before he turns around and pecks Louis’ lips. ‘’Thanks, love.’’

‘’The kettle’s boiling,’’ Louis says, eyes loving and sleepy.

Harry steals another kiss before he moves to the side and prepares two cups of tea, his with a squeeze of lemon and Louis’ with a dash of milk.

‘’Same dream?’’ Harry asks casually. They’d talked about it, about the attack, about the stuff the doctor said and to this day, thinking about it never stops his heart from aching. He just got better at hiding it.

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis says as he takes a quiet sip. ‘’Shouldn’t have replied to him.’’

Louis’ father had texted him a couple of days ago from an anonymous number, a huge paragraph of a text saying how sorry he was and how he saw Louis on TV with some celebrity. He then asked if said celebrity was his boyfriend and if so, he was happy for him and asked if Louis could come and visit him when he gets back from abroad.

When Louis showed Harry the text, Harry was pissed off and just got even angrier when Louis told him that he had replied. Sure, Louis just said that he doesn’t ever want to hear from him again and said that if he ever gets released, he will file a restraining order if he ever dares approach him but it did little to make him feel better.

So, they had sex.

It was a hotel night and they’ve come a long way from Louis being shy about the new marks on his body, marks that, to Harry, meant survival and strength. They made love again and again and again until all their worries were forgotten.

Harry should’ve known though, that the text was gonna drench up some memories. In a way, at least he was prepared by being calm and collected, appeased by the reminder that Louis was prepared too, that he was moving on.

Back in London, Liam had asked his girlfriend to move in with him and they now own Louis’ apartment since Louis doesn’t ever want to get back to a place where his dad could find him. When school starts again, he’ll be staying in Sophia’s old place (Hopefully until he graduates for good) which is in a better neighbourhood and has more room. Sure, he’ll go back to paying rent but it’s a small price to pay. Besides, Liam said he can hook him up with a roomie if he wants to so he’s not worried. Liam had also insisted to pay Louis’ rent since he doesn’t want Louis to give him his apartment for free and well, Louis paid a huge sum of the trust fund money for that apartment and would be crazy to refuse that. Besides, Liam is a good solid friend who never makes promises he cannot keep.

A friend who will report his old man if he ever dare shows his face asking for Louis.

‘’Nah, you needed to get the message loud and clear.’’ Harry says. ‘’He can’t touch us, not anymore.’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Louis smiles. He always like it when Harry says ‘’we’’ or ‘’us’’ to everything, even to his problems.

‘’Is the tea alright?’’ Harry asks.

‘’It’s perfect,’’ Louis says, finishing his tea in one gulp before setting the mug aside. ‘’C’mere.’’

Harry smiles and finishes his tea too, before he steps into Louis’ arms.

‘’Hi baby,’’ he says when Louis pecks him.

‘’You slept well?’’ Louis asks, fingers in Harry’s hair.

‘’I did.’’ Harry says before he runs out of words and melts into Louis’ lips. Not that he’s trying to distract him from the remnants of his dream but as always, it’s easy to get lost in Louis, for their kisses to turn heated when they’re alone and no one is around to bother them.

‘’Put your hand down my pants,’’ Louis gasps when the kiss gets filthier Louis’ legs lock around Harry’s torso and Harry’s hands go under Louis’ shirt.

‘’Why?’’ Harry asks even though his hands are already moving.

‘’I’m wearing my graduation present.’’ Louis says and Harry laughs into his open mouth.

‘’You bought yourself a gift for finishing your third year in uni?’’ Harry asks, hands stopping at the small of Louis’ back.

‘’It’s more like a gift for us.’’ Louis says, biting his lower lip, lashes fluttering prettily across his cheekbones. ‘’Don’t you wanna check?’’

Harry blinks at him when he realizes the implications of Louis’ words. His mouth suddenly feels dry and Louis can tell by the way he smirks at him before he goes back to kissing him. Honestly, Harry finds the intensity of his eyes too much to handle but his words leave room for arousal to start sparking. His hands start moving down again until they reach the waist of Louis’ sweatpants. He dips his hand beneath the waist band and touches…lace.

‘’Fucking hell,’’ Harry breaks the kiss and looks down, hands fumbling as they pull the strings of Louis’ sweat pants and then he pulls the front down.

Fuck; Louis is really wearing lace panties; bright red lace panties.

‘’You like it?’’ Louis asks, arms still wrapped around his neck.

‘’You’ve killed me.’’ Harry tells him, palms covering Louis’ hips, thumbing the lace. ‘’I’ve gone to heaven and you’ve killed me.’’

‘’You can have a full view tonight.’’ Louis informs him. ‘’After the show?’’

‘’Fuck, the show.’’ Harry whines. ‘’I’m gonna go on stage knowing you’re watching me while wearing this?’’

‘’Why? You want me to take it off?’’ Louis raises one perfect, devilish brow at him.

‘’No, no, no.’’ Harry shakes his head. ‘’Don’t do that; they look pretty on you, baby.’’

‘’But I was thinking about throwing them at your feet while you pranced on stage.’’ Louis goads. ‘’Want to make sure you catch mine and not any other pair that’s thrown at you.’’

‘’Lou…’’ Harry whines, tucking his face into his neck. ‘’You’re making me hard talking like that.’’

‘’I can do something about that,’’ Louis whispers in his ear. ‘’I’ve heard my lips can do wonders with just a swipe of lipstick on,’’

‘’Oh fuck,’’

They leave the bus smelling like sex and Harry doesn’t even bother to air it.

He’s that gone for his boy.

……………………………………………………………………………………

The fans get quiet when he puts the guitar away and stands under the one single spotlight which is usually the cue for the next song. He admires his fans for memorizing his set list, for knowing what the next song means to him. He can see Zayn and Niall hidden in the wings behind the curtain, changing clothes. He can see Eddie running around all flustered. He can see Paul and Alberto in front of the metal barricades, busy doing their jobs.

He can even see Liam and his girlfriend in the front row, in the VIP section. Since they’re in Australia, the section has a lot of the musician’s family and friends, including Ashton’s new girlfriend. He’s glad that Liam was able to make the trip, even if he was only staying for three days.

All those people that support the band, support him are there.

But they don’t hold his attention as much as Louis has been for the past shows.

Louis is right in the middle of the VIP section, with Liam to his left and Harry’s sister Gemma on the right. It’s not the first time that he’s stood down there instead of hidden in the wings but it's the first time he's not hiding from view or wearing a big baggy hoodie with the hood over his head. At first, Louis chose the comfort of the backstage, of standing just behind the curtains, too wary of people to be in a crowd. But slowly he came out of his fears and when he had insisted he could finally do it, Harry conceded. Louis said he wanted the whole fan experience and Harry is never one to turn down what his boy wants.

‘’This next song,’’ he says into the mic. It’s not the first time that Louis has heard the next song but it is the first time that Harry makes a speech before he starts singing it. First time Louis heard him sing it live, he cried in his arms the moment Harry left the stage but since then, Harry has not once cried after singing the song and now, it holds an entirely different meaning to him.

‘’I’m sure you all know that this song means a lot to me.’’ He says. He lets his eyes roam the audience for a bit. ‘’It wasn’t an easy song to write and every time I open my mouth to sing it, I feel like laying my soul bare for you all to see.’’

Harry wouldn’t call himself a picture-perfect boyfriend. Sure, he’s known to be sappy, known for his love songs but he gets anxious when he’s worried, takes time to express himself. He tends to bottle everything inside when the world turns ugly.

But in loving Louis, in cherishing him, in taking care of him just as much as he’s been taken care of, he feels like he’s become a better man, a person who knows the meaning of loyalty, who lives it every day, a person who strives for Louis’ happiness because his happiness is an extension of his own, a person who has found a new meaning in writing love songs, in writing about ups and downs because they are not his own ups and downs anymore but theirs. He's become a person who knows the meaning of loss and redemption because he’s lived it, a person who knows what it’s like to rise above one’s shortcomings because Louis had showed him how.

In being loved by Louis, he’s found something more precious than fame. He knows that one day, the lights will fade and the stage will be empty. He knows the audience and the loud cheers, will all be gone. But in being loved by Louis, he’s found something permanent, something that is a reminder of his scars that have healed and left nothing behind but a reminder of their survival, of a love story that has been put through the test and has come out stronger than it was before.

In being loved by Louis and loving him in return, it’s not daunting anymore, laying his soul bare when he sings this song to more than 50,000 screaming fans.

‘’It’s a song that I wrote when I wasn’t in a good point in my life.’’ Harry continues. ‘’And I know I’m not the only one who has had to deal with things like depression or loss. I know a lot of you out there have dealt with it, are still dealing with it and it seems like there is no end in sight for all the bad stuff going on.’’

His eyes keep roaming a little bit more before they turn back to the one person who holds his entire heart in their hands, a boy with striking blue eyes and a pure golden soul.

‘’But today I tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.’’ Even from this distance, he can tell that Louis’ eyes are sparkling, dazzling in glorious shades of blue. ‘’There is always a way out and there is always a step forward for you to take. You just have to fight for what you believe in and hold unto what gives you strength the most, be that love or hope or happiness. I sing this song now not because it’s an expression of that darkest of times I found myself buried in. But its as a reminder that whatever hole I fell through and felt like drowning in, is now covered and long gone. It's a reminder that yes, I had fallen, yes I had drowned in despair but now, I’ve come up stronger than ever. All that suffering is but a reminder that I wouldn’t have the love I have in my life right now if it wasn’t for all those hurdles I had overcome, for all that pain that song had manifested into.’’

He doesn’t want to cry, he’s long past that so he clears his throat and wraps up.

‘’I know that some of you are still suffering, still trying to climb out of whatever abyss has fallen unto your life. So, if in some measure this song helps you relate to your sufferings, helps you understand what you’re going through then sit back, take a deep breath, and sing with me tonight.’’

He sings his heart out, sings it the way the song is meant to be sung and yes, there are people in the audience crying because of it, affected and touched.

But on that stage, the only thing he feels is a deep sense of liberation, like he’d exorcised a demon and now he’s free.

He’s free to love Louis, free to hold him and treasure him.

He blows a kiss towards Louis before he pick up the guitar for the next song and mouths, 'I love you' into the mic.

The fans can sweat themselves out about it.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

‘’Have you ever thought about singing?’’ Harry asks. ‘’Even just for fun?’’

They’re in the shower after a good, long round of love making in which Harry may or may have not torn the panties off of Louis’ arse to bits the moment they got naked. He then ate him out before fucking into him nice and slow, then hard and fast when Louis got too loud.

‘’Um, no, not really.’’ Louis says. They're slow dancing in the shower. Louis was quietly singing, ‘’something great’’ which is one of the songs on the set-list before Harry interrupted him with his question. They are probably gonna prune with how long they’ve been under the shower but Harry was enjoying Louis’ singing voice, lyrics vibrating across his chest.

‘’You have a really nice voice.’’ Harry tells him. ‘’Raspy and unique.’’

‘’Sure, love.’’ Louis snorts, kissing his chest, right above his heart before tilting his head towards him. ‘’But I think I’m gonna stick to me blueprints for now.’’

‘’I don’t know; I think you’d kill at those karaoke nights at the pub. Remember?’’

They’d gone bar hopping with Niall and Zayn once and all Louis did was video the three of them doing karaoke drunk out of their arses.

‘’Thank god I wasn’t drunk enough to make a fool out of myself,’’ Louis says, chuckles a bit. ‘’That footage of you guys butchering ‘’talk dirty to me’’ is gold though; I can probably sell it to TMZ and become a millionaire overnight.’’

Harry cannot help but laugh; they did butcher that song but to be fair, they had been four, maybe five shots in each, not to mention all the beers.

‘’How about open mic nights?’’ Harry asks instead. ‘’Have you tried before?’’

‘’Um, don't really go to those around campus unless one is a music major.’’ Louis pauses. ‘’Why are you insistent about this?’’

‘’I don’t know; just can’t help but imagine you on stage with a mic in your hands. I think you’d sound great.’’

‘’I think _you_ sound great.’’ Louis says with emphasis. ‘’You were wild out there today, baby.’’

‘’You think?’’ Harry says; he knows when not to push a subject. ‘’Not too crazy, right?’’

‘’Nah, you were sexy as fuck,’’ Louis says, fingers reaching out and tracing his lips. ‘’So beautiful.’’

Harry kisses the tips of his fingers one by one before he bends his head and catches Louis’ lips in a kiss.

It’s wild to think that when the tour comes to an end, Louis will surprise him with an open mic night, except for the fact that the little venue he sings in is empty and booked for a private show (courtesy of Niall pulling strings and arranging everything to Louis’ liking). He will find himself speechless as he watches Louis on stage, singing Shania Twain’s, ‘’still the one’’ to him, the only audience in the room. He will spill happy tears at the sight of Louis getting down on one knee and pulling a promise ring out of his pocket.

‘’Still love kissing you,’’ Harry says into Louis’ lips. ‘’Even after all this time, I’ll never tire.’’

And indeed, he never will.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are highly, highly appreciated :D


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